An ex-cheater explains why he cheated, how he stopped, and who he had to become in order to not cheat again.
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So you have been cheated on by your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband your wife, your fiancé, or just someone who you had an understanding with. This person has shattered the trust that you placed in them. You never thought that it would happen to you, at least not by this person, because this was different – not like the others before.
This person said and did all the right things. But now your friends are saying, “I told you so, they are all cheaters.”
You see this kind of stuff on the Maury Povich show, you used to find it comical, and now you’ve been made into the joke.
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Believe me when I tell you that if someone has cheated on you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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You stay up day and night trying to figure out why they did it. You ask yourself, what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Why me? You swear you’ll never give your love to another, at least you won’t become so vulnerable that you can get hurt. From now on you’re not giving anyone the key to your heart.
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Let me put all your doubts to rest.
If you have been cheated on, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Believe me when I tell you that if someone has cheated on you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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I know because I was that guy. I cheated on my wife.
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I don’t say that just to feed you fluff. It really doesn’t have anything to do with you, and it really isn’t your fault. I know some of the excuses you were told. Things like you neglected them, you made them mad, it just happened and it meant nothing, or they were drunk and didn’t know what they were doing, and the excuse train goes on and on and on, and on. Get off at the next stop, in fact pull the emergency brakes and get off that train right NOW.
I know because I was that guy. I cheated on my wife. Which led to us eventually separating and our son being split between two homes. And even though we kept it more civil than most, our family structure was never the same.
I also cheated on all my girlfriends, before and after my marriage. What I didn’t know at the time, and neither did they, was that it wasn’t about them. It didn’t matter if it was Susan, or Sharon, or Kimberly, or Beverly. When I cheated on all these women there was one person that was always at the scene of the crime, yes you guess it, me. I was always there.
WHY I CHEATED
I cheated because that who I was. I was a cheater. I didn’t cheat because of the person I was with. I cheated because of the person that I was. I can honestly say that I had the good fortune of having some really great women in my life, and that did not stop me from cheating.
My mother had a saying when I was growing up and it went like this, “If you lay down with stray dogs you will catch fleas.” My translation was, “Son, you will become like the people you surround yourself with.”
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My mother had a saying when I was growing up and it went like this, “If you lay down with stray dogs you will catch fleas.”
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All my friends cheated on their girlfriends and wives. My personal philosophy and my mindset at the time made it acceptable to for me to cheat. That was the reason I hung around with people who cheated. I wanted to be where my behavior was acceptable. If I was a thief I would have hung around with other thieves. If I was a drug dealer I would have hung out with other drug dealers. I was a cheater. I hung out with other cheaters.
(Even though I said if someone cheats on you it is not your fault, if it becomes a pattern, and every man or woman that you have ever been involved with has cheated on you, then it’s time that you take some responsibility and re-evealute the kind of people that you are attracting into your life, because now that pattern is not about them, but about the choices that you are making.)
HOW I STOPPED CHEATING
I have heard it said “once a cheater always a cheater.” Please stop the ridiculousness. Like right now!
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I did not set out to change my cheating ways. I set out to change my ways.
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That’s like saying drug dealers can change and become upstanding members of society, robbers and murderers can change and become productive members of society, however if someone cheats they are doomed for life.
Like I said, the reason why I cheated was because that’s who I was, that’s the kind of person I had become. If a person wants to change any aspect of what they are they simply need to change who they are and become someone else.
I did not set out to change my cheating ways. I set out to change my ways. One day I made a decision that I wanted to become a better person. I decided I was going to become the best me that I could be. I was not satisfied with my physical, emotional, financial, social, or relationship status quo. I was not satisfied with any area of my life, and I made a decision to change.
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Change requires developing a new set of beliefs and a whole new philosophy. Developing ones mindset. That was the journey that I embarked upon. Becoming the best me that I could be did not include lying, stealing, or cheating.
Not being a cheater is simply a byproduct of being the person that I have decided to become. I no longer hang out with people who cheat. I don’t gather in places or with people where cheating is acceptable, because that goes against the person that I have worked so hard in becoming.
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Unless they have gone through the process of change, then they are still a cheater …
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That is why I can say without any doubt that if you have been cheated on, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it is definitely not your fault. Just like anything you want to change in life, the only way a person will ever stop cheating is if they decide to become a person who does not cheat.
It is like any vice. Some people don’t drink, don’t smoke. don’t do drugs, it is not in their character. It is not who they are. They avoid people and places that do the things that they are against. They cannot be talked into it. Cheating is no different. It is a choice that we have to make.
Do not believe that a person who has been a cheater will not cheat on you just because you’re you. Believe me it’s only a matter of time. Unless they have gone through the process of change, then they are still a cheater, it might be a year or even ten years, however as soon as the right opportunity presents itself, their cheating ways will raise its ugly head.
A QUICK STORY
I was walking in a very nice neighborhood with an (ex) associate, and we went by a house with a sliding glass door slightly opened. I didn’t think anything of it; however he said, “What do you think they have in there, let’s go in there real quick, it doesn’t look like anyone’s home.”
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Cheating is no different. It is a choice that we have to make.
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See the thing is this, I had known this person for some time, and had no idea that he even thought that way. Under normal circumstances, he would not think of stealing, however when an easy opportunity presented itself, his true character came out, he just couldn’t hide from his true self. Unless he changes the person he is, he will always be a thief. Same with a cheater…
IF YOU ARE A CHEATER
If you want to change who you are and become a different person, here’s a simple process. This can be used in any and every area of your life.
Ask yourself these three questions:
What kind of person am I now?
Be honest with yourself. Write down a honest description of who you are. You may need to consult with the people who know you best, and ask them to be brutally honest.
What kind of a person do I want to become?
Write out a description of the kind of person you want to become. Be very specific.
What changes do I need to make in order to become that person?
Write down the changes that you need to make. (Hint, it always starts with a decision to change, then the action follows. In other words you must first have the desire to change.)
Now go start your journey, and become the best you that you can possibly be.
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Photo: Flickr/Erin Nekervis
Unusual perspective but at least the author gave his honest view. You’ll find that most articles on this topic are written to make you feel better. (Doesn’t solve anything)
Michael Fiore actually conducted a secret survey to thousands of men asking all the dirty questions with real, honest answers. Some surprising and not what you’d expect. You can find it at: http://www.whyhelies.info
I don’t believe the saying ‘Once a cheat, always a cheat’ is strictly true, but if you’ve had your fingers burnt, maybe it’s less stressful to just move on. My 2 cents.
This was soooo true and good. Thank you for your insight
I applaud you for leaving the unflattering remark about you on this feed. One of the other writers who I have no respect for removes his unflattering remarks. His posts are actually trying to teach others to harm woman, he just disguises the articles to make him sound like he has some regret which he does not. I wish someone would look at his work and get rid of him. Honestly he is a monster.
The writer is still a cheater. I can almost guarantee it. You can try to change behaviors but DNA is DNA and that genetic varient cannot be removed. Sorry to burst the bubble.
I bet you are one of the 100’s of million women who cheat and then justify it by saying you were lonely. If you are lonely you go spend time with friends or make new ones you don’t hop on the first penis you find! Women are treacherous creatures and should be replaced by sex-bots!
i am renea i met a friend and he helped hack into my spouse Facebook account when i find out he was hiding something from me,he’s well known for breaching the net .I never give him a job that he couldn’t pull off.He hacks almost everything from Facebook,Whats app,emails,Instagram,Kik accounts,does cellphone hacks ,You can reach him on [email protected] You can reach out to him for any problems related to hacking
I understand. Everyone has their views and morals in life. It always differ in wants and how you should live. And being raised with certain people will affect that. .. Yeah, it’s a very shit thing to cheat on someone. Especially if it’s a very serious and loving relationship.. But peope are people. And people can be cruel through ignorance. It’s great the writer is willing to change his ways, and rare too. Usually people don’t have the care or will to change habits. . I’m happy for him and his future/present girlfriend.
You cheated because you are a douchebag!
nothing hurts more than giving your all and still get dumped and cheated on, this happens alot and if you figure out you want a pay back there are more way than you can imagine without even lifting a finger, you could ake the life of your ex miserable by hacking into his accounts and transferring funds or even freeze the account, all this could be done throught the help of a one true reliable hacker by the person of cheeterhacker AT outlook DOT com..a word is enough for the wise this heart breakers must feel the pain they cost… Read more »
Cheating hurts and there is no other pain like being cheated on by someone you put your trust and all into, only to have them literally rip your heat from your chest. He is right about one thing it’s not your fault but in the case of men being unfaithful it’s their fault. And I believe “once a cheater always a cheater” now here is why I say this. A cheater can be in the wrong place at the right time and if the opportunity presents itself it will happen. Why because if they did it once they can and… Read more »
“He”. Way to be sexist there… *Clap clap*
My dad cheated on my mom, then beat up his mistress and got arrested. When he left my sister said it was my fault. She was right, but it was her fault, too. My mom got fat having having us. We were noisy and left our toys all over the house. Being a dad wasn’t glamorous. Especially when you’re short tempered. He thought he could do better than us. Janice was well dressed, career driven. She was more glamorous than us. We slowed him down. It was our fault. I don’t care what you say. If my sister and I… Read more »
Sara don’t blame yourself or your sister it’s your dads fault , because if he lived your mom he would have made sure she had the thing necessary to snap back after you guys were born , it’s your moms fault for letting herself go. Having children is not a death sentence and people add all these rules of why they can look good after children which is crap. It’s important that the parents and children look good !
You are a fucking psycho. So if the kids don’t look GOOD? Kill them? What a stupid bitch.
What?
You’re a piece of shit plain and simple if cheat. Nobody cares about any reasons. You destroy other human beings. That’s inexcusable.
I think cheating is like shop lifting… it’s it’s a thrill and people do It to get caught. I was just cheated on and he tried to blame me, but I know that I didn’t ask him to cheat. I showed him lots of love and attention and this was going to happen no matter what.
He needs help. He needs to address some shit in his past or this is how he will live his whole life… and life alone is really, really long.
Even the title doesn’t make sense. When you cheat on someone, you don’t love them, period. There is no excuse for cheating. And yes, once a cheater, always a cheater. You can’t undo the past, you can’t unbreak the hearts.
Anna,shut your trap, its not the same for everybody, I just cheated and lost my girlfriend I was with for two years and i can tell you that experience kg losing her ,will always be in the back ofmy mimed now and I will never ever cheat again. You can’t umbreak hearts but they can heal,it depends ok the scenario and what type of cheating and the morals an principles of the cheater. Anna, there’s reason people cheat, it doesn’t mean I dont love my wife more then anyone in this world. It means I have problems of my own… Read more »
You are a sociopath. Nice attempt at mental gymnastics you fucking bitch. Complain some more!
Anna, yes, we all make mistakes, when we are making them we dont understand the extent of our actions. Once we do, we reivindicate and become agents of change. When i was a teenager and that was the only time i did, i cheated on my boyfriend. At the time i was confused and wanted to change things up and had urges, i didnt know what to do with them and acted upon. Once i realized it was unfair, i told my guy at the time. We figured it out, and we went stronger than ever, and never have i… Read more »
So that’s to say that someone can recover from alcoholism but not cheating? people can change. this guy is NOT a cheater anymore because he took a good look at himself and wanted to be different in the future. I just recently was doing some sexting/ online chat and I am mad at myself because I consider that cheating. I just think if i found my gf doing what I just did I would be so hurt. I really want to become a better person and among all the shit articles out there on the internet I really liked this… Read more »
Just because a murderer hasn’t killed anyone, and maybe hasn’t the rest of his life – he is still a murderer. You are a fucking idiot.
How can a murderer that has never murdered, even if he continues to never murder, be a murderer?
I think you need to re-evaluate your insults and try again.
This is not true… .People like to put things in boxes. No matter how much you tell yourself something, it doesn’t make it true. The fact is, people are both good and bad. You know this to be true… So why do you remove yourself from the equation? Don’t be a hypocrite.
You are conveniently disregarding all your own dirty laundry, while cherry picking this dude’s experience… Yet you don’t even know him either…. which tells of your agenda to project your insecurities against people you disagree with.
Can’t blame the guy for being honest though ..
I prefer to read on article that’s 100% honest, rather than something to make you feel better.
Hi Tom
I am sorry to know what had happened to you. I am not an expert but you may want to read on Borderline Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy which may shed light on what happened.
Your future wife/GF will be the luckiest woman ever to have you as her husband/boyfriend.
Sincerely
Rhoger
Thanks rhoger
hi
Time is not on my side it’s been 2 years and the memories of her abuse haunt me daily..the shame and guilt I feel hasn’t diminished & yes I’ve read about personality disorders and she does fit several of the criteria for borderline and narcissist… she is still with the new guy guess he is more convienient than I was money makes all the difference… Not to tar all women but there a lot with entitlement issues whatever happened to equality in relationships..it’s sad having a good heart and soul means nothing inowadays
Hi Tom
I am sorry to know what had happened to. I am not an expert but you may want to read on Borderline Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy which may shed light on what happened.
You future wife/GF will be the luckiest woman ever to have you as her husband/boyfriend.
Sincerely
Rhoger
Hi I’m going thru self blame after my exgf was caught sexting and physically cheating with multiples..she entered a realationship within a few weeks of our break with what may or may not be one of the cheaters..during the final 2 years of our relationship I was verbally and emotionally abused the biggest insult being that I was not worth the financial convienience and that I was going to grow to be a fat old man..ironically my replacement is morbidly obese and earns 50k year more than me..I never got an apology,empathy there was no regret or remorse..I struggle to… Read more »
Hey man, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. As difficult as it was for me, I recently broke ties with a girl I really loved who was cheating on me. She acts now like I’m the one who hurt her, while she was having this affair pretty early on in our relationship, if you could call it that. It’s painful and manipulative. What you have to come to realize, is that discovering who these people really are in character is a good thing. This person had a negative impact on you and your life, and was taking… Read more »
She has made me feel worthless cause Im unable to provide financially to give a partner the things they crave to keep them interested. . Vacations.gifts..dinners..ect
My income is below average and the bulk of it is chewed up on mortgage and bills leaving little left for entertainment
I’ve been obsessing over going back to study to try and secure better financially rewarding job so as to be able to keep a partner happy ..just have no idea what
I have never cheated on anyone before, and I am always very loyal in all my relationships. My boyfriend just broke up with me last night, but wants to remain friends. I believe he has been cheating on me with a married woman. He’s on my phone plan, and last month I started noticing long call times to one specific phone number. He states it’s for a boxing contact, but who would call him at 1am or later, just for boxing? I even texted the phone number and it was a girl who said they were “just friends”/. Then WHY… Read more »
I was cheated on this New Years. I found out February 25th. He told me he did it because I had overdosed on adderall a few days before. He’s never cheated on a previous girlfriend before. I can’t help but feel it’s my fault. I feel I deserved it. I hurt him by almost killing myself, so he hurt me by having sex with someone else. How am I supposed to not feel like it’s my fault. Also, for those of you who have never been cheated on, it’s the absolute worst pain you’ll ever feel. Cheating on someone is… Read more »
The man I love is a habitual cheater. He is currently doing addiction therapy. He had over a dozen affairs in his marriage and we were engaged but he left me 4 months pregnant. A couple months later he was living with a new woman and has now been with her at least a year, a bit more. I believe he stays with her because she gives him a free home and financial stability. Meanwhile our daughter is 10, nearly 11 months old. His ex wife is remarried to a man very involved with my ex’s 3 sons from him… Read more »
He’s a selfish brat. But I understand not being able to stop loving someone. The only way through is to (a) remember his flaws and the pain it caused, (b) open yourself to seeing other people, and then (c) actually paying attention to these other people you meet or date. Sure, no one will come close for a long time, but like any form of grief it just takes time. The hardest part is opening yourself up to liking someone else (and I say liking, not loving, because baby steps!). But you have to actively choose, every day you wake… Read more »
I believe cheating has a lot to do with trying to fill a void, so to speak. I think a lot of people do it to feel desirable and it’s an ego boost. It’s a very selfish thing to do….and I have been on both sides of the cheating fence. It can destroy an otherwise loving relationship. Even if you forgive a cheater….you can never forget about it. It leaves a scar that will forever be there and it can raise issues in a relationship, even years later after you think you have forgiven the person.
Hi
I like a lot of the techniques that you described in the article on how changing thinking and beliefs lead to change. And that is part of the process.
But as a psychotherapist I would’ve appreciated hearing some more insight into the childhood psychological reasons that lead to adults cheating.
Cheating is like any addiction or other defense mechanism. It’s behavior caused
by unresolved unconcious feelings built up from childhood!
Change without insight to hidden feelings and reasons is remission not a cure
when i was 10 to 12 year old i overheard my mother advise my older brothers wife how to get her “way” by withholding certain “goodies”… i wonder if that may have tainted how i viewed male/female relationships..?
I found out my wife has been cheating on me for several months. She’s currently on deployment in the Navy. I confronted her and she said she said she’s sorry, but there’s nothing she can really do to make things right until she comes back and we go to counseling (I have issues I’ve been dealing with myself that have affected her, but vice versa). Even though she’s apologized and has said she wants to go to counseling to make it work, I also found out she’s planning to stop in HI for “vacation” on the way back home. I’m… Read more »
Don’t put the blame on your shoulders Adrian. You’re right.. you cannot control her actions… you can only control what you make them mean. And what they mean isn’t about you. Its about the state of your relationship and about stuff going on with her. US Armed forces have counselors stationed at their bases and can be contacted via electronic communications. I, myself, am a skype counselor, so there’s no real need to wait for her to return to commence counselling. The bigger question is, are you and her both willing to work on your relationship. Each of you own… Read more »
I have to disagree with aspects of this article. If infidelity happens in a relationship, its a symptom of a problem, not a cause. To assign blame to one or the other partner may seem intuitive, but it only complicates the situation. Granted the cheater should have made a better choice than they did, such as communicating with their significant other behind why they are unhappy in their relationships. Cheating doesn’t just ‘happen’.. there’s no formula to avoid to prevent it. You need to do more than simply ‘decide’ you don’t want to be a cheater.. you have to decide… Read more »
This is just one perspective on the life of cheating. I have a similarly resolute attitude when it comes to changing a behavior but not everyone does which is which people are prodding for further details. Cheating is like any habit…. Why do you bite your nails? Boredom….because they are there… No reason is neccesary to explain why. I’ve been on both sides of the story and I think its very hard for a person who’s never cheated to understand the humanity of the situation.
Thank you for your perspective
Its strange I was thinking about this topic and saw this article. I think I cheated because I wanted to be shown i was valid, wanted, desirable. Even if I was with someone who showed me those things it wasn’t enough. The majority of the time I cheated it was because I was in a terrible relationship. Thats not me blaming the other person, it takes two people to have a bad relationship that they haven’t ended. I should have ended the relationship then gone out and had my fun. I hope to improve in the future by valuing the… Read more »