I’ve always struggled to ask for help from others, no matter how much I might have wanted to. I have a track record of not asking for favours, even when I deserved or needed them. I’ve faced greater difficulties than I might have done had I just surfaced the issue a little sooner to those who could have helped.
It’s a weakness.
It’s not just in relation to the big things either. I’d sooner miss out on a social event than ask someone to babysit my kids. Home deliveries are needlessly complicated as I won’t ask my neighbour to receive a parcel for me. I complicate my life out of a staunch refusal to ask anyone to do anything for me, even though I’d consider myself helpful and amenable to helping others.
Why is this? Am I just a martyr?
I’m definitely a loner in many ways. My preference is to be alone and freed from distractions or interruptions to work through things. Lately I’ve acknowledged this as a weakness as much as it can be a strength — when it goes too far it leads to isolation and introversion.
If I seek help from others I’m fearful they’ll think me needy or incapable — I want to be thought of as resilient, self-reliant and resourceful.
I strive for independence but I’ve needed to rely on family and friends while going through divorce and at other low-times in my life. I’m idealistic about being self-reliant, and want to be seen as a provider rather than who needs to be provided for.
I’m sure the times when I’ve leaned on others have left me with emotional hang-ups that remind me I’m not as independent as I’d like to think I am.
In trying to be fully self-sufficient and self-reliant, and refusing to seek help when I needed it, I’ve unintentionally put distance between myself and others who I secretly yearned to be closer to. It’s made me appear aloof and distant, like I didn’t need help and that I had everything squared away and in-hand. The truth instead was often that I was isolating myself out of fear or reluctance to open up and seek help that I badly needed.
Is it such a bad thing to reach out to others? Should it be avoided in favour of being independent?
Does it have to be one or the other?
The Ben Franklin effect
Ben Franklin suggested that we should go out of our way to seek favours from others as a means of making them well-disposed towards us.
He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.
— Ben Franklin
The Ben Franklin effect is the psychological phenomenon whereby a person who has already performed a favour for another is more likely to do another for them than if they simply ‘owed them one’.
Wikipedia puts this down to cognitive dissonance.
This is based on the premise that we help others predominantly because we like them. Whether we actually do or not, our minds cannot cope with inconsistency between our actions and perceptions. So, we establish a mental connection that if we’ve already helped someone, we convince ourselves it’s because we like them. This makes us all the more willing to help them again in future.
Perhaps this is true and we should all be asking each other for more favours as a means of strengthening the emotional connections between us? Maybe this is how supportive communities are forged to begin with — by helping each other out, doing favours for each other and becoming more closely bonded as a result?
Refusing to admit it
Perhaps my unwillingness to seek favours is due to being male and my innate pig-headed refusal to ask for help out of principle.
Good Men Project columnist Harris O’Malley shares 5 Must-Follow Man Rules — number 1 in the list is to ‘Be Willing to Ask For Help’.
O’Malley points out that many men will go to lengths to avoid admitting to weakness or to being incapable of handling things alone. The same applies to asking for directions, seeking medical help or even to reading the instruction manual for a new electrical appliance:
Being ‘manly’ means ‘playing through the pain’. It means not whining or admitting defeat. It means not letting something like ‘the blues’ get you down. But those deep-seated emotional issues can’t be cured by willpower and external validation. At best, you make yourself numb for a little while… not feeling pain isn’t the same as not being hurt.
When I reflect on times where I’ve pressed onwards alone without seeking help, it was borne out of a desire to appear strong and independent (or at least to maintain illusions as such). To feel numb to the challenge was preferable to having to acknowledge it and ask for help.
A little help from my friends
In times of crisis I may realise I’m in deeper than I’d like to be. I’m reluctant to admit it to others, much less reach out an arm so that they can pull me out of the mire.
My instincts tell me that the situation is of my own making and I alone am to blame. I should therefore have what is needed within me to deal with it.
I could just ask someone to give me the help I’d gladly give others — but I don’t.
I convince myself that it’s my responsibility to sort things out and that I must find the solution within, rather than looking outwards for someone else to provide it. I confuse asking for help with weakness. It’s confounded by the fear I might be feeling as I face into uncertainty.
I force myself to confront things and struggle onwards alone rather than admitting I should ask for help, for a favour or for guidance.
As a kid, one of my favourite movies was The Karate Kid (the original one, although I admit the remake was pretty good too). In one scene, Sensei John Kreese drills the students of the Cobra Kai Dojo:
“Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?” — “No, Sensei!”
“Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?” — “No, Sensei!”
It would be nice if we could simply drill ourselves out of those feelings and instincts that didn’t serve us positively. To tell ourselves that we aren’t scared, that we aren’t in pain, that we aren’t weak and don’t need help — to simply spirit those feelings away.
It might feel comfortable in the moment, but it wouldn’t alter our reality.
When we feel those emotions it’s a prompt for us to do something to react, to course-correct and to learn from them. I used to think that the only acceptable reaction was to take action, to toughen-up and to do what was necessary to deal with things myself.
I’m gradually learning that an alternate course of action, one that’s just as valid is to realise when I need help, and then to seek that out.
Final thoughts
In his article, Harris O’Malley points to a responsibility that we all bear as humans (for I think his advice extends to more than just to men):
You need to learn how to handle your shit… and that means being willing to ask for help when the problem goes deeper than just needing a pep-talk or two.
It’s tempting to think that through tackling adversity alone, we can forge our own path through life and become the self-made human who has triumphed by sheer will and resilience. In reality, there are few who’ve achieved genuine success or significance in any aspect of life without being willing to accept a favour or a bit of help along the way.
Seeking help isn’t a selfish act either — it feels good to help others and altruistic gestures and acts help us to feel better about ourselves and more positive about our role in life. When we give others the chance to help us when we need it, we may strengthen our relationships with them in the process rather than straining and weakening them.
I used to think that in asking for help I was risking my relationships with those I approached. I hope that by adopting a different approach, by seeking help more proactively and taking favours when needed, I’ll strengthen those relationships through being open, and not putting distance between me and those who I care about and who care about me.
Possessing the awareness to know when you need help, and having the ability to accept it gracefully and willingly is a great strength — one that I need to get better at.
Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.