Why I Prolonged Coming Out About My Sexuality

When I was very young, I was molested by a family member who was only a few years older than me. I suppose now that I am an adult, my thinking has expanded beyond the horizons because I also believe he was molested as a child himself. He had to have experienced that from somebody to do it to me.

I was left traumatized and didn’t even realize it until I became an adult after having a spiritual moment within myself. It’s something about experiencing the opposite sex at an innocent age that makes you hate them. Well, at least that’s what happened to me. I found myself empathetic with more women and wanting to love them in every way.

The feeling of men continuously mistreating me from an adolescent to an adult. I still held a deep interest for men but it was slowly fading and other women began to notice. There’s this saying that I’ve heard from multiple people, “People who are fascinated with the same sex know when you’re also interested in the same sex, even if you try your best to be discreet about it.”

A girl wrote a note mentioning who she found sexually attractive in the class when we were seniors. My name was on that list. I denied any mutual feelings but looking back I wish I didn’t. I could’ve missed out on an experience. On the other hand, I wasn’t as accepting to it as I am now. Being closed minded can trap you into a room that has all the doors unlocked but you refuse to walk through them.

Yes, I was scared. Not scared because of what majority of society has to say about same sex dating. I was afraid because I was confused. Was I secretly into women and they knew it? Was I being tested? I needed to be sure to follow through with such an action. Or maybe I was just too focused on being “perfect”.

As a teenager, the influence of your peers can convince you into thinking something about yourself that you didn’t think before. It’s called peer pressure. My life fast forward, and I was quickly in my twenty’s.

The Decade For Experiences

My former coworker was an open book when it came to her sexuality. I wasn’t jealous but I wondered how and why she did it. She was bisexual and everyone knew that. I was curious. She went as far as putting me in the spotlight one night at work.

While we were on our lunch break, a group of us occupied the break room. I walked passed the table where she was sitting and was completely caught off guard by her action. She grabbed me by the waist and sat me on her lap in front of everybody.

Looking for words to come out of my mouth, I blushed and quickly detached myself from her. Soon after, she sent me text messages stating that she would be waiting for me, whenever I decided to come out. She made me feel free in a sense. But I still refused to address my inner self. My awkward experiences continued from then on. I continued to deny it to others, even though they were catching on.

Do you think masturbation is normal? I think most people have a habit of doing it because they would rather please themselves than someone else doing it wrong. When my boyfriend couldn’t be with me due to work, I would occasionally masturbate to porn. Specifically, lesbian porn.

I was intrigued by the level of intimacy, woman to woman. I wasn’t taking away from my up-to-par encounters with men. But it was different. They were patient and embraced their bodies. My girl friends who date other women would always tell me, “Sex is way better with a woman, even though from time to time you miss a man. A woman just knows a woman’s body.” Maybe they were right.

My boyfriend was aware of it as well. Instead of feeling threatened by it, he encouraged me to be honest to and with myself. That’s what was more important. However, I knew the only way I would feel comfortable coming out, I would need to do this one thing.

I needed to acknowledge exactly what I felt towards women. I dug deeper and always felt robbed of my sexuality because of my childhood trauma. Did I only love women because I hated men? What was wrong with me? I wanted to find the balance. I felt the need to find the reason why I felt the way I did.

I soon came to the conclusion that you really have to accept the way you feel. I was searching for a reason to be bisexual. Does being attracted to the same sex make me less human? No. Accepting myself wasn’t as normal for me as others accepting me. I felt like I needed their approval more than mine. I was wrong. Sometimes we look for things that just aren’t there. This part is called life.
Yes, I am bisexual and I am now okay with that. I love who I am..

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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