My partner and I don’t see eye-to-eye on every parenting decision. But there is one parenting choice we completely agree on, and that is what to teach our son about sex.
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My partner and I don’t see eye-to-eye on every parenting decision. I can’t stand the thought of spanking our son, while he believes using a strong hand in dangerous situations is necessary. I wanted to co-sleep every night, for the foreseeable future really, while he wanted to facilitate our son’s transition into his own bed.
But there is one parenting choice we completely agree on, and that is what to teach our son about sex.
We won’t have this particular talk with our son for a while, as he’s only a year old, but coming together and discussing these future decisions is part of our parenting strategy. We want to be prepared, we want to be informed, and we want to feel, well, as confident as possible.
Sex has become such a taboo topic that most parents feel uncomfortable when speaking about the sultry act with their children.
We don’t want to be one of those parents.
Because sure, thinking of my son being intimate with someone else is weird and awkward, but it will happen. He will have a sexual side to him and, as his mother, it is my job to make sure he expresses that side in a safe and respectable manner.
Which is why I won’t teach abstinence to our son.
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We want to let our son know that it is okay to have sex before marriage because, well, we did. His father and I explored our sexuality and learned about our bodies long before we found “the one”. Those encounters are why we are the people we are today.
We want to tell our son that sex is a natural expression, not an ultimate prize reserved for someone chaste and pure. He will not be “less than” or “better than”, because he has had sex. It doesn’t make him a better person and it doesn’t make him a dirty person. It just makes him a person.
We want to teach our son that women are not just their sexual history. When sex is positioned as the “end all, be all”, women are often pigeonholed and devalued. We want our son to pick a partner based on her inner qualities, not because she is celibate and mysterious. We refuse to allow our son to treat women as the sum of their sexual parts, but rather see sex as an expression every person is entitled to.
We want our son to feel comfortable with and in his body, regardless of how that body looks or the ways in which that body functions. We want him to know that our forms can do some incredible things, but with that ability comes an overwhelming responsibility.
We want our son to feel informed and educated, so that he can make safe choices. The mystique of sex, while alluring, can be dangerous.
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We want our son to feel responsible. If we shelter him from, arguably, one of the most natural acts, he will feel overwhelmed and unsure. We don’t want him to be driving blind down the highway of ecstasy, hands on the wheel and completely oblivious as to which way he is steering. We want him to be culpable. We want him to be sure. We want him to be the authority of his own body and the ways in which he decides to use it.
We want our son to be a multifaceted, full-functioning person. Human beings are more than just their sexuality or their personality or their career or the family they are born into. Our son will be many things to many people, and all of those things need to be formed with as much understanding as possible.
So yes, the talk with our son won’t come for some time, but when it does, we will be ready. And while we may have had lengthy discussions about the ways in which we discipline our son or how long we allow him to sleep in our bed, this won’t be a debated stance.
We won’t be teaching abstinence to our son.
We won’t be one of those parents.
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Photo: Sarah Scicluna/Flickr
If I were to write a story about how I plan to not teach my little girl about abstinence it may come off as sad. I will teach my daughter about responsibility but that is something I didn’t see your story cover and that also seems sad to me. So despite voting liberally I am still going to buy a gun and carry a big stick if I know there are parents out there that don’t care to cover the responsibility of using condoms or mentioning that abstinence is an option.
There are some terrific points mentioned above! I also do not promote abstinence, nor will I ever. I am a professional counselor, relationship and sex specialist. I also teach college level human sexuality classes. Sexual compatibility is huge in relationships! I agree that sex is emotional for both genders, though does that mean sex has to be shared with someone you’re in love with? Probably not. The trick is to teach being wise and smart about sexual boundaries and safety. You set the boundaries, nobody else should! The emotional consequences as well needs to be addressed with teens, as well… Read more »
Greg
True. And well said.
Sex has become such a taboo topic that most parents feel uncomfortable when speaking about the sultry act with their children.” Not in my circle … If anything, I see a much more open society and that includes parents. There are countless resources available that may help any parent that may be struggling with the topic. That being said, My wife and I promoted abstinence as she and I were virgins when we got married. My wife and I have never had “sex.” We have had 40 years of amazing “love making.” I would also like to point out that… Read more »
Tom
This was confusing!
How do you define a virgin?
Maybe I just don’t understand you because I am a protestant,
I do not ask about what happened between your wife and you because that is private but I do not understand how you use the word virgin..
Hi silke … “virgin” as in not having sex (intercourse) before marriage. For that matter, my wife and I had no sexual relations … Lot’s of kissing though.
Of the people I know, the catholics have a lot of issues with sexuality. The happiest people I know are agnostic usually. I rejected the church because it teachs a lot of harm and is quite frankly a bigoted belief system with their treatment of homosexuality. No god of love could ever call homosexuality a sin, especially since that god was responsible for it. Some of the worst slut-shaming originates from catholic and other puritan backgrounds. Too much shame and guilt over INNOCENT acts and a lot of sexual dysfunction from it. I would NEVER get married to someone without… Read more »
Archy
Also Muslims live under strict rules and regulation about sex,and choice of partners.
In my country Muslims only marry their cousins in Pakistan,
This August a Muslim Norwegian women married her Pakistani cousin.
But since she married the “wrong” cousin her family killed him in honor killings.
http://www.aftenposten.no/nyheter/iriks/Ekteskap-uten-samtykke-endte-i-tre-drap-8144681.html
Archy .. sure didn’t do any harm for me and my brothers and our kids. I think there are exceptions where some have been harmed by the wrong teachings but it it’s taught correctly, there aren’t issues. But, we’ve lowered the bar so much in our society, how could we expect people to abstain … it’s all about what makes a person happy, no matter what’
Sex is the most intimate act between two people. When we have sex with someone, we are giving part of ourselves away, and we are getting part of someone else. It’s kind of like sticking two pieces of duct tape together. When you do this, the pieces of tape stick nicely together. If you decide to have other partners, it’s kind of like tearing apart the two pieces of duct tape and trying to stick your already used piece of duct tape to someone else’s piece of duct tape. They don’t stick as well once they’ve already been used. Call… Read more »
This analogy with duck tape is an UGLY way to say what you try to say. I think you should try to explain to us using other words. Try again and I will do my best to understand what you say,but until then I can assure you that the duck tape analogy is so insulting and abusive that you have to come up with something better, And if you do not have any experience with having made love to more than one partner ,then how can you know it is damages our ability to love and bond? Forgive me for… Read more »
Silke, I think sex is a beautiful thing, but it can become messy and ugly when it happens too young or with multiple partners. Sex is not just a physical thing (although I like that part). It is emotional as well, and the emotions can get easily confused and skewed as it happens outside of marriage. Sorry if my analogy offended you.
Jon Stolpe I was a church goer for a few years and this analogy was used in their teaching. I am not offended ,just like I was not offended when they spoke hatefully about gay and lesbians.what I ask for is the truth. But i left church after I saw the decon had sex with the vulnerable persons he ” took care of”. This issue of sex befor marriage is important for many and in many parts of this world it is matter of life and death. The problem is we do not know what is the cause and what… Read more »
Well said John! 🙂
“Call me old fashioned, but I believe sex was designed for marriage” Something I’ve noticed, especially amongst people in the U.S out of all the first world countries is the puritan basis of religion has really damaged many peoples view of sex. Old fashioned is pretty much code-words for sexually repressed. Sex wasn’t designed for marriage, sex was designed for reproduction and some animals can have sex for pleasure too. When people get shame, stigma, and harm from premarital sex that I’ve seen it is ALWAYS based on some religion absolutely doing massive damage to their followers ideas of what… Read more »
Hi Danielle
Complicated!
While I say ” yes and no” I enjoy this video that makes fun of sex education in the U.S. and wonder what on earth are you people thinking?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0jQz6jqQS0#action=share
I rather wish I’d had you as parents – though I dearly loved my own. My wife of thirty plus years and I were both virgins when we married in our thirties… and have had a lifetime of trying to find a sense of peace and freedom with our sexuality… and now late in life, my wife’s realized that she’s a lesbian, but has spent a lifetime struggling with her ‘sinful desires and inclinations’…. Sad; so sad. We share a great deal, we enjoy our life together, but our sexuality is a blighted dessert.
I’m sorry to hear that Brassyhub — I really hope she will be as open with your next-steps, your process to find healthful relationships as you are being expected to accept her news. Because this is hard, what you and she are going thru. I’ve seen a number of friends go thru this and it can be deeply confusing. Make time for yourself to discuss, either with counseling or with trusted advisors, what to do to protect your heart and heal your expectations about relationships. Best wishes, you will be OK!
Well, Denielle, your son is one. Teaching about sexual responsibilities is an ongoing process.It doesn’t just magically happen at 15, or whatever. Kids are absorbing how to relate to the opposite sex constantly, from an early age.This is demonstrated by those close to him, and the world he is exposed to.Having open discussions at age appropriate ages about respect for the opposite sex, will put him in good steed. Attraction is a component of love, and, Unfortuneately sex can be based early on attraction.Which is shallow and doesn’t last.Love takes effort and time to nurture,and is the best foundation for… Read more »
Unfortunately Danielle it seems you have had some bad religious experience about sex and abstinence. Let’s take out the religion and just explore the sex. I relate my own sexual exploration with my brothers experience. He saved himself for his partner and married young, whilst I took your view of being open and free to explore. He has a strong relationship with his wife and family, a family of 4 well balanced young men and women these days who are continuing in their parents understanding of self respect and to value and respect other peoples bodies, feelings and emotions. Me,… Read more »
That’s some very black and white thinking you have there, Stuart. Maybe it’s just me with my quaint European ways but choosing not to “save” yourself for marriage does not mean you are incapable of acting on anything other than pure carnal desire. I have been married and divorced (a result of her infidelity), I have no children (and don’t want them), I know how to use a condom and do not have a trail of women behind be who I pumped and dumped. Abstinence doesn’t work, teaching kids to be sensible does work as demonstrated in Scandinavian countries that… Read more »
Stuart I can see lots of advantages of getting married early. (I am not sure what you mean by early. ) But there is one huge problem. Most of us are not mature enough to choose the best spouse when we are young. Some psychologist say we should wait until age 29 to get married. I have hear other say 25. I am not qualified to know the truth about this difficult issue , but I know I was too young when I got married ,and I did not have enough knowledge and maturity to choose the person best for… Read more »
That was an open, honest & awesome comment Stuart! 🙂 The person who wrote the article said they were not going to teach abstinence & they were going to tell their son it’s ok to have sex before marriage because THEY had sex before marriage, but does that make it right? No The world is FAR more worse than it use to be & will be even WORSE by the time that little one is old enough to start having sex. Aside from the Biblical reason to abstain from sex, you have to consider diseases & children that could possibly… Read more »