Why I’ll Never Date a Separated Man Again

I see them on dating apps all the time: guys who recently separated or are still going through a divorce. For me, it’s always a brutal swipe ‘no.’

I’ve made the mistake of dating a separated man before. It doesn’t matter if he’s separated or not; I’m not going to date a married guy again. Unless he’s divorced, I’m out.

Here’s what happened when I dated a separated man.

It Was An On-Again, Off-Again Rollercoaster

I met the separated man on Plenty of Fish back in 2020. I had recently broken up with my ex, and his wife had just moved out of the house.

When we met in real life for the first time, I don’t think either of us was truly ready to find love yet. I was still getting over my recent heartbreak, and he was navigating living alone for the first time after a six-year marriage.

Unsurprisingly, my ex and his wife got back together. It worked out because my ex reentered the picture, too (as narcissists often do).

We stopped talking for a while, but one day, the separated man reached out to me again. His wife had left him for a second time — this time, he believed, for good. I was single again, and we fell into a pattern of talking again. Soon enough, I found myself falling for him… until his ex came back, once again.

I probably should have ignored his call when it came again, but I didn’t. The third time the separated guy reached out to me, he promised me that his wife had left him for good. Somehow, I could tell this time it was different — and it was. This was the last time the two of them were ever together, and the first time the two of us would end up seriously dating one another.

My Takeaway: Separated Guys Aren’t Fully Single

The separated man claimed he didn’t want to hurt his ex or deal with the legal repercussions of dating before divorcing. This meant we couldn’t go public with our relationship on Facebook. We couldn’t post photos together. We had to be careful about where we went together in public.

And in the end? He ended up cheating on me, and it probably shouldn’t have been surprising. He was never fully committed to me despite what he claimed. I believe it was because mentally, he wasn’t actually single. He still, legally, belonged to someone else.

There Was No Real Divorce Plan In Sight

Even after my ex and his wife split for the last time, there was no planned timeline for the divorce. They didn’t have children together, nor did they co-own a home. The divorce should have been pretty cut and dry, for the most part, but it was obvious that one (or both) of them was hanging onto the hope of getting back together.

My ex and his wife did end up divorcing eventually, but not until years after our relationship ended. There’s no reason for anyone to commit to someone who hasn’t fully had closure in their previous relationship.

Unless You’re Completely Single, I Don’t Want to Mingle

In the future, I will refrain from dating anyone who is separated. No hard feelings, but single or divorced men are the only ones who I will allow in my life in the future.

The key to finding the love of my life is breaking past patterns. For that reason, dating a separated man is something I will never do again.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.