Why Is ‘E’ the Most Important Letter in ‘ENM’?

Google’s AI says that “Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy, is a relationship style where partners agree to engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and awareness of all involved, prioritizing honesty, communication, and respect.”

That is one definition.

As far as I can tell, ethical non monogamy is best seen as a fluid space rather than a fixed one.

Ethical connotes being truthful, fair and honest. It means you are doing the right thing.

Ethical non-monogamy means you have loosened the restrictive strings of monogamy and ventured into an open relationship where you and your partner define what works for you.

You might be primary to each other and very much in love, committed and devoted to each other. Your happiness together allows you to sometimes enjoy playing with others, while using clear boundaries such as no falling in love; no bringing dates home; no taking them to social gatherings you will also be at.

To me this seems like monogamy with a bit more sexual autonomy. Nothing really wrong with that and the ethical part of managing this seems reasonable to all parties.

Or it could be truly open, with your lives merging and converging in a full polyamorous, love fest.

But what happens when things are not quite so clear?

ENM can be awfully (wonderfully?) gray and fuzzy, perpetually changing in shape and texture. Sometimes the E in ENM seems to stand for ‘elusive’ more than it does for ‘ethical’.

Here are some examples.

What about all the couples where only one person in the couple is engaged in other relationships while the other partner is firmly monogamous, albeit consenting for their partner to roam? Is that truly ethical nonmonogamy?

What about a couple where one person wants to be more open with their partner about their connections with others outside the relationship, but their partner does not want to hear about it? Is a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ approach cutting the ‘ethical’ mustard in an ENM relationship?

What about people who say they are ENM but they really just use the tacit consent as a rationale for getting as much sex with as many people as they can, as a friendly but essentially parasitic presence in the ENM world? Where is the E in ENM in this scenario?

What about couples who define themselves as ENM but are not emotionally open about their feelings, their arrangement, and who are barely, if at all, share sexual and emotional intimacy with each other?

What if your partner gives her consent to you but you know she cries and gets depressed every time you go out?

What about the times you and your partner are enjoying being together without needing to see other people? Is that still ENM?

What if your partner decides after a decade of ENM that they have fallen in love with someone new and leaves you?

What about couples who define themselves as open but not ENM? Are they ethically nonmonogamous if they don’t define it as such?

What about a monogamous, single person who is in the early dating phase with a new person who identifies as ENM?

Are you still ENM if you are not sexually active?

Things change; change is the only true constant, especially in relationships.

Its the E in ENM that is the most important.

To have the skill to step back and consider honestly and fully the changing situation, to communicate well and to proceed ethically is what matters.

There is no one right way and sometimes the road is very bumpy or muddy.

If you don’t need the ENM term, if it does not suit you, then by all means don’t use it. But still, whether you are solo, monogamous, nonmonogamous or none of the above, be ethical.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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