Mark Manson explains why you always end up with women who eventually drive you nuts.
If all of the women you end up emotionally involved with are psychos and find a way to make your life hell, the only thing they all have in common is you. So start by looking at yourself.
We see this pattern quite often — the quiet, reserved, “Nice Guy,” continually meets and attracts the emotionally explosive, manipulative, and sometimes hyper-sexual woman. Why does this happen? And why does it seem to happen to the same men over and over?
It happens when you are uncomfortable with intimacy and expressing your emotions openly and honestly. This inability for an emotionally healthy intimacy will inadvertently narrow down your dating options only to the women who are equally screwed up in their ability to maintain a healthy intimacy. Here are a few reasons why:
(Public Service Announcement: This article is written from the perspective of a hetero male for other hetero males. But pretty much all of it is applicable for all intimate relationships, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.)
1. Her boldness counterbalances your inhibitions. Generally speaking, it’s not considered socially acceptable for women to initiate sexual interest. Men are expected to. But if you are a man who is uncomfortable initiating interest sexually, then you are limited to the few women who are bold enough to act out first. These women must be willing to go against social norms and be less concerned with the opinion of others. While there are definitely some legitimately confident women who are willing to do this, all of the crazy ones are.
2. Their emotional instability stimulates your suppressed emotions. Men who are uncomfortable with their emotions suppress them in a few different ways. They numb themselves completely and feel indifferent towards others, or they rationalize reasons to avoid engaging others emotionally. In some circumstances, men will over-compensate by completely objectifying their relationships and sex life (I refer to these men as the fake alpha males).
When men suppress their emotions and shun intimacy, the only women whose emotions are intense enough to break through are women who are emotionally unstable. These men, by suppressing themselves, unknowingly self-select women who over-express themselves. These men tend to get particularly hooked on these over-emotional women because it allows them to experience their own emotions vicariously through the drama of the woman they’re with.
3. Her addiction to drama makes you feel important. But what really gets emotionally suppressed men hooked on these women is the drama. These women are always in a state of crisis. They’re always the victim of something. And they always need to be saved from somebody or something. This makes the man feel important and needed — two things he’s rarely felt so acutely before — because he’s gone through his life suppressing intimacy and keeping his relationships as superficial as possible.
Inevitably, the emotionally unstable woman will find a way to turn on him. Any peace and equanimity he works for, she will find a way to sabotage it. Because the sick truth is that always being in a state of emotional crisis makes her feel important as well. Her fear is the same as his: that she’s unimportant. But she achieves it through an equal and opposite strategy: drama. And so the over-emotional woman and the under-emotional man (or vice-versa) enter into a toxic unconscious dance of victim and savior, oscillating between giddy euphoria and abject misery.
These women almost always end up leaving these men, as you may have found out the hard way, like I did. As time goes on, the man is willing to sacrifice more and more of his own identity to fix her emotional problems, to the point where he loses any ability to think or choose for himself whatsoever. This destroys her attraction for him, as people who have no self-worth are the epitome of unattractive. At this point, with her man 100% pliant to her whims, the only way to keep the crises flowing is by seeking out another man to complicate things.
These women are naturally drawn to love triangles especially, with themselves being the point between two men (or two women, or a man and a woman, or whatever). Love triangles provide endless fuel for their need for drama. And it also provides endless fuel for the suppressed man’s need to “rescue” or “win over” the woman.
As you can tell, although these women are responsible for their own behavior, if you are consistently bringing them into your life by your emotional suppression, then it’s your own fault.
Tomorrow, I’ll write on how to find emotionally stable, amazing women and bring them into your life naturally.
Originally appeared at MarkManson.net
Photo: Flickr/Psycho Photography ©
i would normally say this ISNT true-b/c there are many crazy people out there. but from what ive seen in men- most men like dramatic and crazy women. They flock to these women while abusing or putting down amazing or good women who are exciting fun and sexy and go for the really crazy ones. there is somewrong wong with these men. not particularly the guy who asked the question but the others
Now the question is, how do you fix yourself so that you don’t need such a woman to feel important and loved? I’ve dated women who were sane and stable, and in fact a sane, stable, successful woman is who I want to be with. However, every sane and stable woman I’ve dated has left me feeling unloved and unfulfilled and I end up going back to the crazy ones who cling to me.
Wow
..loved this article..i agree 100 percent with what you have written..its so very true.. 🙂
“While there are definitely some legitimately confident women who are willing to do this, all of the crazy ones are.”
Could you please read yourself over and over and over again until the disservice you are doing to women’s right to express their sexuality by making this absurd generalization sinks in?
You left out another obvious key possibility–you make them crazy. Even the most sane woman when you press her buttons repeatedly will go off. Generally when you identify something that sets your other half off you should avoid said action, but there are plenty of men out there who enjoy a good drama, and do those types of things on purpose. I personally think they like show, power trip, and want to believe the woman revolves her life around them. In the end she looks crazy, when he’s the one pulling the strings.
It’s not an either/or question. Yes, a man may be attracting some sorts of behavior because of his own emotional issues. But, that doesn’t mean that women around him are never crazy. Just because I’m crazy doesn’t mean that people different from me are sane. That’s completely illogical.
Why can’t everyone involved be insane? Maybe the man AND the women he dates are BOTH crazy….
blog states: 1. ‘Generally speaking, it’s not considered socially acceptable for women to initiate sexual interest. Men are expected to. But if you are a man who is uncomfortable initiating interest sexually, then you are limited to the few women who are bold enough to act out first. These women must be willing to go against social norms and be less concerned with the opinion of others. While there are definitely some legitimately confident women who are willing to do this, all of the crazy ones are” my more logical response: women who are willing to go against social norms… Read more »
Men will put up with craziness from a woman because they think “Hmm…if we broke up, I will have to go out back into the pool and try to find someone to sleep with me. That is just too much work. So I’ll just put with with her craziness because it means I can continue to have access to regular sex.” http://www.mensanity.com
Women too often get labeled as “crazy” and I think it’s unfair. It’s unfair because really what is happening is that unacceptable behavior is being explained away as a de facto mental disorder. I liked this article because it lays out the details behind what is often happening in the relationship dynamic. We need to drop the “crazy” label as some diagnosis, and start calling out women for their specific bad behaviors. When they are being irrational, manipulative, and/or emotionally unstable, we need to recognize those behaviors as unacceptable, and confront them. Brushing these behaviors off as “crazy female” behavior,… Read more »
But if both of these people realize their emotional shortcomings (either instability or repression) as well as the internal cause (needing to feel important), isn’t it possible that they could help each other learn the opposing skill and grow as a result? I am a woman who struggles with emotional repression and a history of superficial relationships, in a relationship with a woman exactly like the one described in this article. I have no interest in going out looking for an “emotionally stable, amazing” woman to make me happy, because I know it would only be easier to slip into… Read more »
I like this article. I was one of those nice guys taken by an outgoing woman. I get this. I had enough self-respect and understanding, though, to realize that when she had given up working together for self-betterment, it wasn’t going to work, so I divorced her crazy ass. I don’t think it had anything to do with me being guarded emotionally; I just had a hard time getting my emotions in edgewise. I find it funny when people latch onto to one thing, like the “crazy woman” stereotype, and protest it. Makes me think there’s something they’re defending within… Read more »
This describes so many of my relationships! Except I am the woman who has dated so many men that appear nice and normal but then as relationship progressed these men started to be insecure, play games and continually try to make me jealous. The more they tried to manipulate me and the earlier they attempted this in a relationship the sooner I would have to dump them. I don’t understand why they would do this: make me distrust them. I may not be the gushiest lover nor the first one to say “I love you” etc but my presence and… Read more »
Sage wisdom I was taught years ago- in any relationship there is room for one crazy, and I have that role locked up already.
You’re absolutely correct mark. You’re title was also correct because you start by saying they’re the ones nuts unlike you. I got where you were going. If all of them drive you around the bend then of course it’s you being attracted to that for some reason, which you get to figure out why. If you keep doing what you’re doing and expecting different results than you are truly the crazy one.
Hi Mark, I have two points/questions: 1. Why is the bulk of this article about the behavior of “the woman” when the point of the article is that the person who is having problems is “the man” (eg. he struggles with feeling important, verbalizing his inhibitions, and hasn’t been taught how to express his emotions? Doesn’t this perpetuate misogynistic stereotypes of the “crazy” woman? (I’m putting the words “man” and “woman” in quotes here because you’re analysis about men and women in this article relies on gross generalizations about gender and behavior. 2. I highly recommend this article on labeling… Read more »
Im glad you posted this article Dan, because I was going to. Nowhere in this article is there any medically quantifiable assurances that the women are indeed actually clinically ‘crazy’. I don’t think its good practise when putting critical thought into helping people, that we not question the orientation of the language we are using as descriptors. the huff post article posted above is a beautifully challenging discourse analysis of the language we use to describe women and their behaviour, and I feel that all THIS article does is perpetuate stereotypes about women. Saying it comes back to the mans… Read more »
Emma, this man is perfectly entitled to call these women crazy. And I think all mature readers of this article know exactly what he means by the word crazy. He did not mean clinically crazy. He meant that their actions and reactions made no sense to him and therefore they appeared crazy to them. It is the same way we call criminals monsters. It is not scientifically proven that they actually are monsters, but it is how some people perceive them.
Calling somebody crazy because you don’t understand their responses is dismissive, and emotionally abusive. It makes it easier to call women crazy for having emotions. And not just women, but men too. Not even out of control emotions, but natural responses to stress or ridiculous things that people do. Being dismissed like that often enough can certainly drive somebody to act in ways they might not otherwise. Some women are for sure emotionally unstable, too sensitive to stimuli, abrasive, bitchy, poor communicators, or just plain jerks. People can do whatever they want, but it doesn’t mean they have a right… Read more »
I thought that huffpost article was totally lame. Women call men insensitive and assholes all the time. Are they challenged for stereotyping? No. It suggests that from their perspective, the guy is in the wrong, not listening, a clod, etc. Do some men fit this profile? To be sure. Are some women crazy and irrational from the male perspective? Youbetcha.
Is it tomorrow yet? 🙂
Emotionly battered and dented man seeking a normal woman. Some baggage still attached but in the process of being dropped. Likes drama, at the local theatre and sometimes on video.
Thanks, Luke Davis.
You made me laugh! 🙂
You raise some interesting point,but one size doesn’t accomodate all sizes.I have met my share of the kind of women you speak of and I am anything but emotionally closed off.It was only after I stopped believing the sugar and spice and everything nice nonsense that I was to see women for what they are…flawed creatures,just like men.I find that it is women,most often, who perpetuate myths about the female spirit always being good natured.In my experience,finding a woman who can own her anger and poor behavior in good faith is rare.
Amen brother
To answer your question, maybe it is because YOU are always the common denominator. Perhaps it is not the women who are crazy, but YOU.
I have to agree with Jules on this. Maybe there are a few crazy folks out there of both genders, but 9 times out of 10, if someone is angry, emotional or jealous, their partner has probably (although perhaps unintentionally) given them a reason to feel this way and then ignored/dismissed an initial expression of concern by the ’emotional’ partner. Just because you don’t understand your partner’s response to something does not mean your partner is crazy or irrational, and only an emotionally immature/unaware person would jump to that assumption instead of first examining their own behavior and considering how… Read more »
“Psych studies of relationships in which a ‘neutro-typic’ (NT) woman is involved with a man with high functioning Asperger’s Syndrome ”
Could you provide links to a few of those studies?
Because that is an interesting comment.
Ima, thank you for posting this. I was married to an AS man. What you write above speaks to me deeply. It is my experience and was, and is, one of the most painful “journeys” of my life. Thank you.
What you’re saying about relationships with highly functioning Aspergers is so so true! I’ve been in one, it was quite short, yet it left me highly confused to the point I didn’t know if I’m overreacting or if my my feelings are valid. However it doesn’t have to be NT-AS relationship in order to get the same outcome – lots of men just cannot see their input in the situation – it is definitely easier to write women off as crazy. So cheers for GMP for educating men, cause usually sites for men tend to emphasise how women are inherently… Read more »
Me too, Laura. Marriage to an AS man, now divorced. Thank you for posting.
So, it seems Ima is saying it is possible that the ‘crazy’ woman is sane to begin with but is reduced to crazy by the inadvertent insensitivity of the AS type man, which is probably true in some cases, and not in others. “9 times out of 10” is a pretty big assumption. I have dealt with my own crazy over the years, and quite honestly I saw the red flags from the very beginning…way before I had a chance to drive her crazy. And it had to with her emotional maturity level to cope with stressful situations. Rather than… Read more »
Didn’t he own it when he wrote the following? Well, the short answer is: it’s you. If all of the women you end up emotionally involved with are psychos and find a way to make your life hell, the only thing they all have in common is you. So start by looking at yourself. I have dated some “crazy” guys over the last few years and have come to the conclusion that I might be attracting these types because of something unresolved with in me. However, in the end, these guys have problems . At times, I felt like they… Read more »
I really enjoyed this article, Mark. I can’t wait for the next one!
Hi Mark Great article . You made me smile 🙂 ✺”1. Her boldness counterbalances your inhibitions. Generally speaking, it’s not considered socially acceptable for women to initiate sexual interest. Men are expected to. But if you are a man who is uncomfortable initiating interest sexually, then you are limited to the few women who are bold enough to act out first. These women must be willing to go against social norms and be less concerned with the opinion of others. While there are definitely some legitimately confident women who are willing to do this, all of the crazy ones are.”✺… Read more »