Have you been in a relationship on the rocks, and you toss and turn at night, wishing your partner would step forward and fight for the relationship?
It feels like a brick wall between you and your partner. A few simple words and actions could knock the barrier down.
I’m sure we have all been a part of this dynamic before, but it plays out differently depending on the behavioral type of your partner.
Some are overwhelmed and want to clear the air and attack the issue head-on. Others can’t find the words to express themselves, although they want unity.
Well, I want to focus on the avoidant today.
There is a mix of someone who wants peace and harmony, doesn’t know how to express their needs, and does want the relationship to work, but they have a set of blockers that they don’t know how to navigate.
Let me guess. You’re tired of waiting for your partner with these traits to change?
I understand how frustrating it can be to work and communicate with someone like this. The partner you know becomes nonexistent, and you feel like you are fighting an unfair battle.
Believe it or not, you have a partner who wants the relationship, but let me tell you why it doesn’t feel that way and how to change the dynamic.
Turn baby turn
There is a reason I did not specify whether we are talking about the dismissive-avoidant and the fearful-avoidant.
There is a set of shared characteristics and traits that both react to turmoil in a similar method.
I know it feels like the second there is an issue in the relationship, your partner shuts down and distances themselves.
It’s personal. It feels like you are the last person they want to talk to. It feels like your relationship is the last thing on their itinerary.
The truth is that avoidants don’t know how to resolve an issue when you lose harmony in a relationship.
I bet it feels like “unless things are perfect, they will never participate in the relationship.”
The avoidant feels helpless in these scenarios, and when they feel the weight of personal failure, it causes them to shut down.
You would think someone who feels helpless would reach out for help and communicate that central issue.
To an avoidant, that is like putting oil on a fire.
Instead of looking at your partner like someone who doesn’t care, take a step back and approach them with the view that you understand the internal struggle.
It feels like you are holding their hand, but avoidants need guidance through that feeling of personal failure.
Co-mmunication
Remember when I said it might feel like you have to hold your partner’s hand through the struggle you face? It is going to feel that way when you are communicating with them.
Pump the breaks!
By now, I can see the eye rolls and fatigue since it feels like I am asking you to do more work than your partner.
That is not what I am telling you to do.
There is an approach to take that will change the burden the avoidant feels in moments of turmoil.
I talk about it throughout all my articles when talking about avoidants, but your messaging has to feel like you are talking about “we, us, and our.”
What do I mean by that?
Avoidants will not function if they feel like they are under attack or are under the spotlight, working with someone pointing out their flaws.
Your partner feels responsible for the relationship failing when words are curated and directed toward the unit.
When an avoidant hears how we are working toward a goal instead of the goal not being reached because of them, their view changes, and they are willing to participate.
Hot potato
The last point might sound insane.
Do you know how it feels when you have an issue in your life but you have a vision for the light at the end of the tunnel?
When it comes to relationships, avoidants don’t have that same timeline.
What I mean is that an issue can be present, but their sense of urgency does not have the same clock as yours.
Turbulence in a relationship is not overwhelming to the point where it has to be fixed at that moment.
That does not mean the avoidant is skipping through the meadows without a care.
When the avoidant distances themselves from the perceived threat, they shut out everything around them. Yes, that is why it feels like you are the primary recipient of being shut out.
What is happening is that the avoidant has not separated the core issue. To an avoidant, taking a step back, properly breaking down the issues, and processing the results is the only solution.
Your job here is to set a deadline that feels fair to you and your partner. Whether that is five minutes, an hour, or the end of the day, your partner needs to feel like they are not being pressured into a result.
Watch the change in reaction you receive when an avoidant feels like they are being met with some form of grace and patience.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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