In the past week, I’ve seen discussions on TV and social media that almost made a feminist’s head explode. Okay, so a normal week, but it made me question why I ever try to keep it civil.
“First world problems.”
“We’re way down on the list.”
These are just some of the answers to questions prompted by the proposal that misogyny should become a hate crime in the UK and by the Incel-generated mass shooting in Plymouth recently.
First we had a twitter poll from Britain’s answer to Fox news, the brand spanking new GB News.
“Do you think the UK has a misogyny problem?”
Of over eleven thousand responses, a whopping (but unsurprising) eighty per cent said “No”. Many of them compared the situation to Afghanistan and basically told women to think themselves lucky. (When you’re out of logic, always introduce relative privation guys.) Others said that ‘some communities” (ie. non-white) may have a problem but it wasn’t the norm, despite the fact that this horrific attack was reported in the same week.
GB News host Alex Phillips then hosted a discussion on misogyny, where some guy called Luke Gittos, (yes, a guy — isn’t that like asking me to discuss whether racism is still a problem?) presented the usual smorgasbord of dismissals, from the #NotAllMen trope, to the assurance that women are no longer second class citizens. Gittos stated with confidence that the idea of misogyny is “overblown” and also went for the relative privation angle – Women’s situation has “hugely improved in almost every respect”, because we’re “outperforming men in education” and we have “greater social mobility”. Oh well then. Let’s just be grateful for these improvements, ladies.
Never mind that though, because then he was off insisting that when abuse is only on social media, it’s not that bad — ignoring the fact that the afore-mentioned shooting was brought about by a culture that exists almost solely online. If I’d had a cup of tea on my desk at that point, there’s no telling where it would have ended up, and yes, I was shouting at the screen. (I should pause here and say that Phillips gave an excellent introduction to the entire topic.)
On the same day, feminist extraordinaire @emrazz (Feminist Next Door) tweeted this question –
Hoo boy, that brought them out. Predictably, there was the #NotAllMen dismissal, along with the “I do it all the time” guys desperate to centre themselves and receive accolades (despite the question being addressed to women). Lots of men bravely said they would help if only it didn’t involve the possibility of a backlash from their mates or a thumping, completely missing the point that that’s what happens to women all the time. Others asked whether it was their “job” to look out for women. (Answer — No, of course not, but if you see anything, we’re asking that you step up.)
Most frustrating though were the guys who don’t even mean to be shout-inducing, they just know better than the women who are telling them what’s going on. Take the conversation I had about men intervening when women might be in trouble.
“In trouble” isn’t just women being dragged off by the hair, or beaten black and blue; it’s also the woman at the bar who’s clearly not interested in your pal but he’s going to ‘win her over’ anyway.
You’re right, she’s not doing anything, but read the situ buddy. She’s not making eye contact, not engaging, not really responding. That’s not “interest” and your man should know to leave her alone. (Hint — if she was interested, there’d be no confusion.) That’s where you come in because she doesn’t know how he’ll react if she gives it to him straight. Most men can’t imagine this apprehension, this fear, so they’ll dismiss a woman’s explanation with a clear conscience, and that’s when it gets infuriating.
These are the guys who’re almost there; they’re really trying to be the right sort of guy, but something kicks in every now and then and oooh, it’s so hard not to let ’em have both barrels.
Not exactly a winning strategy though!
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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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