“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” — Kurt Vonnegut
You want to look good. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. How you appear is how you’re perceived. How you’re perceived is how people treat you, which trains you on how to treat yourself. Much as changing how you talk to yourself can give you a radiating glow, refining your outward presentation can shift how you feel inside.
Dressed to depress
I know this from hard experience. For much of my life, I’ve struggled with severe depression. When I spiral, one of the first things to go is my taste. It seems like that might not be a deal, but it is.
In 2019, I hit a hard low point, as indicated by the fact that I dressed like a slob. I wore loose-fitting clothes, several sizes too big because they felt like pajamas, which I found comforting. I wore ratty thrift-store button-downs in eye-searing colors — bright red, bright orange, and bright yellow, together at last — and big red pants. On weekends I wore t-shirts with quirky cartoon illustrations and puns.
What the hell are you wearing?
My personality was what it was, but my wardrobe broadcast to the world, “I don’t respect myself, and you shouldn’t either.”
Then my marriage fell apart and took nearly everything else in my life with it, including the denial that had shielded me from my ongoing loss of dignity. There was nowhere for me to hide, or to go. This was obviously my fault. I mean, look at how I was dressed.
Talk to an expert
That changed when I fell in love with a costume designer. We were both dark romantics, intense, passionate, devoted souls who loved rough, degrading sex. We dove into an intense relationship with a lot of love and support plus kinky roleplay that felt pretty damned real. Being adored by this woman turned my life inside out.
Kink and fashion give us space to play games with our identities. This can be liberating as it opens new possibilities for what we really like and what we want to be for real.
Fashion was her passion, as well as her trade. I’m alarmingly ignorant about style and nutrition, among other important things. She admitted that it was hard for her to take me seriously as a dom when I was wearing too-large t-shirts featuring illustrations of anthropomorphic fruit.
So she performed a life-changing act of service. I gave her my credit card, and she ordered me an entirely new wardrobe, which established the foundation for the grown-up goth look I’m rocking right now.
Grow-up goth essentials
- Classic jeans and other dark-colored pants that fit
- A cool jacket or two
- T-shirts that look badass even if you don’t know who Black Sabbath and Metallica are
- A high-quality button-down in dark, deep, lower-chakra red
- A button-down with a matrix of tiny skulls, in honor of my inner darkness that only reveals itself in moments of profound intimacy
- A Cross of St. Peter pendant if I’m feeling frisky
- Vans
Some of that might sound silly to you, but it’s just what I needed. Between the games, the new clothes, and the warm, playful relationship, I gained confidence, swagger, and sex appeal. I finally felt good enough to extricate myself from my dead-as-the-dinosaurs marriage. I owe some of that to improved sartorial choices.
As above, so below
Taste is no small thing. Fashion matters. Style, when done deliberately, is a spiritual practice.
When my depression talks to me, it says a lot of things. One of its recurring themes is, “the truth hurts. The more it hurts, the more true it is. If it feels good, it’s a lie.”
But that’s a lie. Truth, like identity, is not infinitely malleable. Still, it’s a hell of a lot more malleable than you often realize, and you’re generally more flexible than you give yourself credit for. You can remind yourself of this when you change your style.
There is no big difference between the “inside” and “outside” versions of “you.” Fashion fascinates us because the costumes you wear will change what happens to you, how you regard yourself, and, ultimately, who you become. We become what we are, which is partially composed of what we pretend to be. I’m now becoming the tough, confident man that I pretended to be in my relationship. And it already feels damned good.
Find your style through error and trial
Many men, and certainly many people with histories of low self-esteem, may have trouble finding a look because we’ve been scared to know ourselves too well. Try something anyway.
The best way to find your style is to experiment. If you feel good about yourself and you’re a creature of habit, play within your established parameters. If your life and self-concept are in transition, cast about far and wide.
After men’s dating coaches stopped dressing like circus performers moonlighting at Jumbo’s Clown Room, their stock fashion advice became, “dress like a member in good standing of the scene where the women you want to be with are likely to hang out.” If that’s applicable to your current life goals, try it and see what happens. The basic principle works for any kind of socializing, as long as you don’t blend in so hard you disappear.
To that end, I would add, “lean into the edges of your chosen style.” If you want to hang with neo-hippie psychonauts, dress like every day is the first day of Burning Man. If you’re building an empire and want to get other strivers into your Mastermind Group, be Patrick Bateman, complete with the Sharper Image collection. If you want to date Grown-up Goths, don’t bother — I’ve got that block on lock.
Even if you have a solid idea of what you represent, dare to surprise yourself. When you’re dressing up, be someone else. It’s more interesting.
You don’t need to be nearly as humble as you may think. Our moralistic, finger-wagging notions of humility come from very different times when people were more firmly locked into their social stations. The modern age affords unique freedoms and opportunities for self-realization. To waste those is a sin against yourself and those you might inspire.
You don’t need to be conventionally attractive, either. In fact, it may be easier to develop a distinctive look if there’s something already a little “off” in your appearance. Check out people who look like you, steal like an artist, let what’s weird and special about you shine through, and make it your own.
Your style isn’t the entirety of who you are, but it’s an essential component. It may start as a set of affectations and contrivances, but it’s one of the most obvious ways to choose your own adventure in life, and, dress codes aside, it’s mostly in your control. How you dress is a big part of who you become, and sometimes it just takes one flourish to make yourself unforgettable.
This life provides enough indignities. You don’t need to give yourself more by looking too sad and safe to care. In the areas that are within your control, empower yourself. Have fun. Become the sexy asshole you can’t resist.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jon Grogan on Unsplash