Why Let Your Child Fail? [Video]

By Understood

Is it ever OK to let your child fail? It can be difficult to see your child try something and fail. But sometimes FAIL stands for “First Attempt At Learning.” In this episode, hosts Amanda Morin and Bob Cunningham speak with a mom, Meg, about how her son declined his IEP, allowing him to step back and learn from his failures. Meg also talks about the difference between being accountable for your mistakes and being at fault for them.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/in…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at [email protected].

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “In It” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts. Copyright © 2020 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
[Music]
0:04
hi i’m amanda morin a writer for
0:06
understood.org a parent to kids with
0:08
learning issues and a former teacher and
0:10
i’m bob cunningham a career educator and
0:13
now the executive director for learning
0:14
development at understood and we are in
0:17
it in it is a podcast from understood on
0:20
this show we’ll hear from parents and
0:22
sometimes kids and will offer support
0:24
and advice for families whose kids are
0:26
struggling with learning and thinking
0:27
differences
0:28
today we’re talking about letting kids
0:31
fail
0:32
[Music]
0:38
the thinking behind letting kids fail is
0:41
failures the way that you learn to
0:44
adjust and make better decisions
0:46
so we say let your kids fail but when
0:48
you have kids who learn and think a
0:49
little bit differently letting your kids
0:51
fail is a little more complicated it
0:53
feels like there’s more at stake because
0:55
we already see our kids failing at a lot
0:57
of things that other kids can do more
0:59
easily yeah when your child is
1:01
struggling with things that most kids
1:04
aren’t struggling with it’s really easy
1:07
to get the idea that the deck is stacked
1:09
against them right another thing you’re
1:11
going to know as a parent is that your
1:13
child doesn’t rebound as quickly if they
1:15
fail at something it’s going to stick
1:17
with them longer because they don’t have
1:19
the tools to make sense of it as a
1:22
learning experience
1:24
right so letting a kid who thinks and
1:26
learns a little bit differently fail has
1:28
the potential for some bigger
1:30
consequences
1:31
however
1:32
it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it right
1:34
i mean exactly it doesn’t mean we
1:36
shouldn’t do it
1:37
and so the question is when should we
1:39
let our kids fail and is it really worth
1:41
it given the risk involved like failing
1:43
out of school or quitting
1:45
here’s what some of you had to say
1:48
hi my name is sarah and i wanted to
1:50
share something about letting your kids
1:52
fail i was on the playground last week
1:55
with my child and that bunch of his
1:57
friends from school and a bunch of
1:58
parents were there too and some of the
2:01
kids got into a disagreement it wasn’t
2:03
huge
2:04
but one child felt very upset and was on
2:07
the verge of crying and we all sort of
2:09
raced in and we’re like oh it’s okay
2:11
let’s work this out but the truth was
2:13
that i kind of didn’t want to rush in i
2:15
wanted them to figure it out themselves
2:17
and maybe that girl would have felt hurt
2:18
for a little while and maybe they would
2:20
have come to a compromise but the other
2:22
parents didn’t seem like they were about
2:24
to just kind of hang back and so what i
2:26
think is hard about letting your kids
2:28
fail is it’s not just letting your kids
2:30
fail it’s also a whole dynamic that goes
2:32
on at the parent level it’s much easier
2:35
i think in a way to let your kid fail at
2:37
least socially if there’s no other
2:38
parent around that you have to
2:41
negotiate with so that if you’re the
2:43
only grown-up in the room you can hang
2:45
back and let the kids work it out but if
2:47
you don’t have uh buy-in from another
2:50
parent if the other parent is there you
2:52
can’t really do that you sort of have to
2:53
make sure that all the parents involved
2:56
are willing to step back or you have to
2:59
have a thick enough skin that you don’t
3:01
care what the other parents say and you
3:03
hang back even while they may rush in
3:05
and try to manipulate the social
3:07
situation
3:08
anyway it’s tough out there thanks
3:11
[Music]
3:15
today we’re going to hear from meg whose
3:17
son is a junior in high school in his
3:19
sophomore year he made a decision that
3:21
seemed to be putting him on a direct
3:23
path to failure meg knew things could go
3:25
disastrously and in many ways they did
3:31
[Music]
3:34
okay so my son is uh 16.
3:37
um when he’s feeling well he’s a really
3:39
gregarious
3:41
energetic guy who likes to play guitar
3:43
and
3:44
play video games and he has a lot of
3:47
friends a lot of people like him
3:49
he’s
3:50
dealt with
3:51
anxiety and depression since he was a
3:54
little guy little child probably
3:56
it really started to be apparent when he
3:58
was about eight years old
4:00
he also has adhd and uh an auditory
4:03
processing disorder
4:05
meg’s son who we’re not going to name
4:07
just to give him some privacy has had an
4:09
iep since he was about seven or eight
4:10
years old an iep is an individualized
4:13
education program and it provides
4:15
specialized instruction
4:17
support and some changes in the
4:18
classroom to help him learn better
4:20
but last year meg’s son decided somewhat
4:23
abruptly that he didn’t need his iep
4:25
anymore he advocated for himself during
4:28
an iep meeting that he didn’t want to
4:30
have his idp in place anymore he was
4:32
feeling really good and emotionally
4:34
strong and
4:36
he just wanted to be done with all
4:38
accommodations so together with the
4:40
school they came up with a plan
4:42
her son would go from an iep to a 504
4:45
this meant he could still use
4:46
accommodations if he needed them but
4:48
there wouldn’t be a special education
4:50
teacher to support him or to monitor his
4:52
progress in any way
4:54
taking off those guard rails or at least
4:56
lowering them a little bit was a tough
4:58
decision but both meg and her husband
5:00
agreed to it he was so eloquent and so
5:03
um
5:04
so mature in the way that he defended
5:07
his desire to be done with supports and
5:10
if i had said no to that
5:12
it would have been really i think
5:14
undermining to him in the back of my
5:16
mind i was thinking this really could
5:18
fall apart and then what are we going to
5:21
do
5:22
things got off to a pretty good start
5:24
but then meg’s son started feeling
5:26
depressed this took a toll on his
5:28
confidence and then even on his ability
5:30
to get out of bed he started falling way
5:32
behind at school it really looked like
5:34
things were spiraling out of control
5:37
when meg let her son take school into
5:39
his own hands she had not factored in
5:41
the possibility of his depression
5:42
returning and to be clear she doesn’t
5:45
think taking away the iep caused the
5:47
depression but the combination of the
5:49
two were more than her son could handle
5:50
and he was failing meg did what she
5:52
could to help she made sure her son
5:55
understood that she was available if he
5:56
needed it but she was determined not to
5:58
just swoop in and try to fix things for
6:01
instance with his math class
6:03
near the end of the school year i i just
6:06
told him what he needed to do to get
6:07
through the class and kind of left it in
6:10
his hands to get it done or not get it
6:12
done
6:13
um
6:14
and and he didn’t get it done
6:16
[Music]
6:18
how did he feel about you making the
6:20
decision to say this is in your hands
6:23
um
6:24
you know it’s interesting because i
6:25
think there’s like a double-edged sword
6:28
sort of thing
6:29
uh by giving him the responsibility
6:32
then he can’t like blame me
6:35
i think you just described teenagers in
6:36
a nutshell
6:40
and so um
6:42
i think when he realized that that
6:43
wasn’t a choice anymore i think maybe it
6:46
was sort of eye-opening for him
6:48
meg didn’t stop her son from failing but
6:50
she did give him tools to put that
6:52
failure into perspective
6:54
i try to make it clear that there’s like
6:56
a difference between being responsible
6:58
for something
6:59
and feeling blame
7:01
tell me what the difference is
7:02
so i can make a mistake and say boy i
7:05
really messed that up and next time i
7:07
can try to do something better that’s
7:09
like taking responsibility
7:11
to take the blame is to say i really
7:14
messed that up i’m a horrible person i
7:16
can’t believe i let that thing happen i
7:18
should never try those things again i
7:19
can’t believe what a mess up i am right
7:22
so in relation to like say the math
7:24
class that my son failed
7:27
um
7:28
he decided not to do the work
7:30
um he in a way kind of was responsible
7:34
for his well he was responsible for that
7:36
failure he could say oops look at that
7:39
the things that i did to cope with this
7:40
issue didn’t work and so
7:43
next time i’m going to try a different
7:44
method like maybe i’ll go to class and
7:46
maybe i’ll try to do my homework
7:48
um instead of saying i’m so stupid i
7:51
told you i couldn’t do it i’m a bad
7:53
person
7:54
and i’m bad at math do you know what i
7:56
mean yeah and it sounds like you learned
7:58
from this experience too oh right i
8:00
think there were so many learning
8:02
opportunities
8:03
enough to go around for everybody
8:05
i think sometimes with my son if we
8:07
approach things into
8:09
strong away it’s like either it’s my way
8:11
or it’s no way i think then
8:14
he just um
8:15
shuts down
8:17
also i think sometimes we make choices
8:19
like do i want to live in a home where
8:21
we can all tolerate each other being in
8:24
the same room or do i want to create so
8:26
much tension that it was almost like we
8:29
began to prioritize the quality of our
8:31
time together
8:32
rather than some other things that other
8:34
parents might think are very important
8:36
[Music]
8:44
now meg’s son is in his junior year of
8:46
high school and they’ve managed to find
8:48
a pretty good compromise between her son
8:50
having total independence over his
8:52
schoolwork and she and her husband
8:53
having some oversight
8:55
at this point i’m not going to be able
8:58
to sit down and make him
8:59
do his work
9:01
but i do plan on checking in with him at
9:03
the end of the week
9:05
to see what assignments that he’s had
9:07
and if he’s gotten them passed in
9:09
and i think that’s just like a real
9:10
concrete thing that we can do
9:12
he was really resistant to that last
9:14
year so this is this an agreement you
9:16
came to together yes we and i have
9:18
talked about it um i’ve agreed not to
9:21
just go on to the infinite campus thing
9:23
on on the computer and just kind of like
9:25
sneak around and check in on his work
9:27
but that he and i can sit down together
9:29
at the end of the week
9:31
and take a look and just see what he’s
9:33
got going on and if he’s gotten
9:35
everything done
9:36
and that if he doesn’t then i know it
9:38
and he knows it and
9:40
where that goes from there i don’t know
9:42
but the fact is is that he’s
9:44
much more um okay with me
9:47
being somewhat involved but i know that
9:49
there’s a limit and so we’re both aware
9:51
of that boundary
9:53
[Music]
10:04
so i’m wondering what strikes you about
10:06
her story and you know one might help
10:08
other parents understand
10:10
the risk and benefits of letting our
10:11
kids fail
10:13
a couple things stood out to me first of
10:15
all
10:16
the example that she uses with him
10:18
deciding to no longer participate in an
10:21
iep
10:22
um that’s high stakes right they’ve put
10:24
so much time and effort to get the right
10:27
kinds of goals and objectives the right
10:29
kinds of support the right kinds of
10:31
accommodations on that iep and he was
10:33
doing well with it right right so now
10:36
he’s saying
10:38
i’m just not going to do this anymore i
10:39
don’t think i need it anymore well you
10:41
want him to feel that way right you want
10:43
him to feel like he can do it on his own
10:45
but you can tell that as his mom
10:47
meg wonders whether or not that’s
10:50
actually going to be a good decision or
10:52
kind of more likely everything’s going
10:54
to fall apart well the thing that struck
10:56
me about that was that you know the idea
10:58
of do i jump in and make sure he doesn’t
11:02
fail and our house feels all tense all
11:05
the time
11:06
or do i back away a little bit and maybe
11:09
let him fail and know that we’re gonna
11:11
be okay as like a family unit
11:15
from from a practical perspective it
11:17
also sends a very clear message to the
11:19
teachers
11:20
who work with him right so if he’s
11:22
saying i want out of this and mom’s
11:25
saying no you have to stay in it there’s
11:27
no way that the teachers don’t leave
11:29
that meeting saying oh this is all about
11:31
mom what really struck me is that she
11:34
really put things in place to let him
11:35
fail sort of successfully which sounds
11:37
like an oxymoron right let’s fail
11:39
successfully
11:40
but there are ways to do that there are
11:42
ways to let your kid yeah and they came
11:44
up with a really good one which is they
11:46
didn’t quit supports cold turkey right
11:48
there was much more responsibility on
11:50
him but it’s not like all the possible
11:53
support was suddenly ripped away well
11:54
and he failed a math class that he now
11:56
has to take again that’s right right so
11:57
it wasn’t like she went to the
11:58
administration and said this is why you
12:00
failed the math class it was like you
12:01
failed a math class so how are you going
12:03
to fix this and i think that’s how we
12:05
set kids up to fail successfully
12:07
is putting supports in place so it’s not
12:09
like they have
12:11
no net underneath them right the key for
12:14
parents is
12:16
really to have a good understanding of
12:19
what the consequences are right and to
12:21
be able to put those potential
12:23
consequences into perspective right and
12:25
you know like you think about younger
12:26
kids too because this is high stakes in
12:29
part because he’s a high school student
12:31
but with younger kids if they don’t have
12:33
their sneakers for gym class
12:36
they’ll have their sneakers the next day
12:37
for gym class and if they won’t
12:40
and you know that about your child
12:43
then the thing to do is to speak to the
12:45
people at school
12:46
still let him forget the gym sneakers
12:48
right but make sure that the people at
12:50
school are going to react in a way
12:53
that is supportive and encouraging to a
12:56
child who’s not at this point able
13:00
to get his gym sneakers from point a to
13:03
point b
13:04
or in my house get both of them from
13:06
point a to point b yeah somehow we come
13:08
home with one i was just gonna say you
13:10
have the one sneaker child
13:12
yeah they come off the bus with one
13:13
sneaker i’m not sure where the other one
13:15
went but so for littler kids younger
13:17
kids i think that there are smaller ways
13:19
we can teach them that failure is okay
13:21
there are sort of low risk ways yeah and
13:24
you know it’s not
13:25
i wouldn’t suggest to a parent
13:27
necessarily that if you know your kid is
13:30
not going to get along with anybody on
13:32
the playground that you drop them off
13:34
and go get coffee
13:36
and then come back right that’s a
13:39
totally unreasonable risk but i would
13:41
say okay i know that you have one friend
13:44
there
13:45
and i’m gonna sit sort of much further
13:47
back than i usually do and let you
13:49
figure out how you’re going to get along
13:51
with that child
13:52
and not jump in if they start you start
13:54
arguing or you start you know right
13:56
they’re climbing up the slide while
13:57
you’re going down the slide i’m not
13:59
going to fix that i’m going to let you
14:00
try and figure that one out
14:02
[Music]
14:05
hi my name is cindy and i’m in
14:06
scarborough maine i’m calling about a
14:09
story about letting my child fail
14:12
in eighth grade third quarter my oldest
14:16
who is now 16
14:18
was failing her math class i knew she
14:20
was failing because i could see her
14:22
grades online but when i would ask if
14:24
she needed help she always said she was
14:26
fine and wouldn’t let on that she wasn’t
14:28
doing well
14:30
so i just let it go and sure enough in
14:33
the third quarter she ended up with a
14:34
62.
14:36
that of course triggered her needing
14:39
additional help in the class
14:41
having to tell her mom and dad that’s us
14:44
that she failed the class all sorts of
14:46
tears and heartache
14:48
the good news is she worked her butt off
14:50
in that fourth quarter and ended up with
14:52
a 98 for that particular quarter and a
14:55
very good grade for the entire year she
14:58
also learned that she hates failing and
15:01
that it wasn’t worth it to not just
15:03
reach out for help
15:06
is there ever a time when it’s not okay
15:08
to let your kid fail
15:10
for me when there’s no chance of success
15:13
or when there are no tools in place and
15:15
there’s really no likelihood
15:17
that she’s going to
15:19
be able to figure out what to do or come
15:21
back to you and process this and learn
15:24
um from it with you then it’s not worth
15:26
it
15:28
[Music]
15:36
you’ve been listening to init a podcast
15:38
from understood our website is
15:40
understood.org where you can find all
15:41
sorts of free resources for people
15:43
raising kids who learn and think
15:44
differently we also want to hear what
15:46
you think of our show init is for you so
15:49
we want to make sure you’re getting what
15:50
you need go to you.org podcast to share
15:54
your thoughts and also to find those
15:55
resources that’s the letter u as an
15:58
understood.org
16:00
podcast and if you like what you heard
16:02
today please tell someone about it share
16:04
it with your family or your friends or
16:06
even your child’s teacher you can also
16:08
go to apple podcasts and rate us which
16:10
is a great way to let other people know
16:12
about in it you can also subscribe to
16:14
init on apple podcast follow us on
16:16
spotify or keep up with us however you
16:18
listen to podcasts
16:20
between episodes you can find understood
16:21
on facebook twitter pinterest and
16:23
youtube or visit our website you that’s
16:27
theletteru.org our show is produced by
16:29
julie subrin and sarah ivray mike erico
16:32
wrote our theme music and laura kushner
16:33
is our executive director for editorial
16:35
content thanks for listening everyone
16:37
and thanks for always being in it with
16:39
us
16:45
[Music]
17:04
you

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

***

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

Escape the Act Like a Man Box

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race

The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock