Why Losing Someone You Never Dated Can Hurt the Most

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to move on from a situationship? They were never really yours, but the pain is still so real. A lot of the time, the pain is even worse than it is when you break up with someone you were in an official relationship with for years.

You’re not alone. This is a real thing that many people go through when a situationship ends. And research has found some explanations. Here’s why losing someone you never dated can hurt the most.

You’re Grieving the “What If”

After a situationship ends, our brains hold on to the “what if.” But grieving the “what if” isn’t just sadness.

It’s hope.

Our brains hold on to the possibility of a future that never happened. We think about the life that we could have had with that person, the life that never got the chance to be.

When we’re grieving the loss of someone we never dated, we’re actually grieving so much more. We think about how we could have had it all with that person — the future we always envisioned.

We think about conversations left unsaid, words left unspoken.

A 2022 study found that when people frequently imagine interactions with their romantic interest, they tend to experience greater unrequited love. The reason? Imagined scenarios fuel hope, even when there’s no reciprocity.

When you replay the possibility of a future with someone in your mind, your hope grows. And hope makes letting go feel impossible.

You Were In Love With Their Potential

Research has found that early on, people tend to see their love interest as more trustworthy, attractive, and admirable than they actually are. This even applies in situations where love was not reciprocated.

We don’t know what a love with them would have looked like. We’re in love with what we thought a future with them would look like. We’re in love with the partner we thought they would be.

Ultimately, we’re in love with a fantasy — not the person they actually are.

This is due to idealization. When we’re in love with someone who we’re not actually dating, we fall in love with their potential. We fall in love with the mental image we have of them. We’re in love with the “what if.”

You Never Saw Their Flaws

Research has found that when we idealize someone too much, it can lead to disillusionment, which is a major reason we end up so heartbroken over a relationship that never comes to fruition.

You’re in love with a version of them that you never really got the chance to know.

The reality? If you knew their flaws, you might not actually want to be with them long-term.

When we’re in a relationship with someone, we learn about them on a deeper level. We learn about the good, the bad, and everything in between. We might find dealbreakers that could make the relationship not work out.

But when we’re in a situationship that never turns into a real relationship, we don’t get to learn about someone’s bad traits. Instead, we see that person through rose-colored glasses. And the majority of the time, we find ourselves ignoring, masking, or excusing their flaws.

Your Brain Obsesses When It Doesn’t Get Closure

You may have heard that we don’t actually need closure to move on, and that’s true. With the right inner work and healing, you can move on without closure.

But here’s another hard truth: science has found that our brains are actually wired to seek closure.

There’s something called the Zeigarnik Effect, which occurs when our brains recall interrupted tasks more vividly than tasks we’ve completed. This is why our brains loop on those almost loves, “what ifs”, and unresolved feelings long after the situation has ended.

Instead of moving on to something more fulfilling, we find ourselves mentally returning to the situationship that could have been something more. We don’t do it because the situation was better; we do it because it was unfinished.

The Bottom Line

Losing a situationship doesn’t hurt because it was nothing. It hurts because it could have been everything. It hurts because your mind built a future that never had a chance to be reality.

Even though it might feel like the connection was extraordinary, feeling heartbroken over a situationship or almost-lover doesn’t mean they were “the one.” It just means your mind is filled with hope, mistaking it for something rare.

You can and will move on from this situation, even though it might not feel easy. It’s important to remind yourself that you deserve a love that chooses you.

One day, you’ll find someone who gives you consistency over confusion, offers calm over chaos, and chooses you instead of allowing you to chase them. And it will all make sense why things didn’t work out.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.