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Dating, much like life itself, can be seen as a game.
If you don’t recognize this, you might not be fully aware of the dynamics at play.
A friend once told me, “If I have to use tactics and play, then I don’t want to date.” The truth is, we’re all playing the game, whether we realize it or not. Playing simply means taking specific actions to achieve a desired result.
When you choose not to make a conscious decision, you’re still making a choice — just a subconscious one.
Ignoring the potential consequences of your actions is, in itself, a decision to remain unaware.
So why not rather think about your actions, and aim for better outcomes?
It’s worth considering.
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How Mathematics helped me in my dating life
Most of my life I spent solving math problems, so I always seek the logic behind everything. I’ve noticed that not everyone shares this perspective, particularly when it comes to relationships. That’s why I want to share what I’ve learned to help others who might be in the same position as me.
Here’s How I See Dating if it was a Math Problem:
We all want to be in a relationship.
Despite the independence and self-sufficiency women have achieved nowadays (we can work, provide for ourselves, and even have children through donors), the need for connection remains. Every woman I meet, no matter how emancipated, deeply craves real connection.
However, due to various factors such as trauma, personality traits, culture, and experiences, we often find ourselves attracted to unsuitable partners. Even if we do find a good partner, things sometimes fall apart. If you’re in a happy relationship, this advice isn’t for you — good for you.
After a breakup, many women feel down and either want to get their ex back, seek revenge, or take time to “heal.” Here’s where the crucial turning point lies: you should not dwell on the past or isolate yourself to heal.
Instead, accept it is over (at least for the moment) and logically analyze the situation in retrospect. Identify patterns (is it always the same scenario), draw conclusions, and get back out there to try again, this time making better decisions. The longer you take a break, the more time stands between you and your perfect match. Let me illustrate this better:
A friend of mine used to attract only men who were either in a relationship or married, despite being single herself.
This puzzled her, as she had no interest in engaging with them, yet they were the only ones she found herself attracted to.
So, we sat down together and thought about it as if we were solving a real math problem.
She listed the common traits these men shared, examined how she felt around them, and considered how these feelings corresponded to what she truly wanted.
Then, like a lightning bolt, it hit me.
I realized she enjoyed the sense of control she felt with these men. Knowing she couldn’t have a relationship with them allowed her to enjoy their company without fear of them leaving her since they were never truly together. This dynamic played into her fear of abandonment.
She was mind-blown. The answer seemed so obvious. However, it was only by meticulously going over each step that she was able to uncover the reason behind her actions and understand the repeated scenario.
Once she understood the root cause, it became much easier to break the pattern. When you identify the problem, you can find a solution. Otherwise, you end up going in circles without even realizing it.
The Theory & How Men Do It
Reading self-help books is beneficial, but theory alone won’t get you where you want to be without practice. It’s similar to school — you can read all you want at home, but real progress happens when you test your knowledge and see what you’ve truly understood.
Ladies, practice makes perfect. Let me offer some structure, as the last thing I want to suggest is to go out sleeping around or dating 100 guys. That’s the opposite of my message.
When a man experiences a breakup, he might spend a few days feeling sad but then start going out again. Why? No, not because he is a p*g.
Because taking action is what he knows. Men often aren’t as familiar with their emotions and may struggle to handle them so they do what they know best — act.
Why is this actually beneficial?
Because by interacting with different women, he learns what he likes and dislikes. You know what they say, “It is much easier to get what you want when you know what you want.” Plus, when he meets more women, he has a much larger pool to choose from when it comes to finding a partner.
Now, imagine a woman dating one guy for a year, or even just two months, and then spending another year reflecting on it. Instead, it’s crucial to actively engage in the process of dating, learning from each experience, and moving forward with that knowledge in mind.
It’s also important to be aware of what you truly want and need, which can often be contradictory.
For example, I once thought I needed a romantic, emotional guy, but found that I couldn’t handle the emotional ups and downs those men might experience. Other times I thought I needed something else until I got it and I realized it is better in theory than in reality.
Through experience, you can fine-tune your understanding of what you need. For me, this clarity comes from just 1–2 dates without investing too much. I do not like the idea of sleeping around with men who are not your partner but everyone has their own view so I will not get into details about this here. I date with a clear goal — to find my perfect match. I do not want to engage in relationships just for fun because I am not at this stage. If you want this, this is fine, simply align your actions with your needs.
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DISCLAIMER:
Personally, I see men as tender, protective, and good, and I believe perception is like a mirror — what you believe in, you receive. This topic deserves its own article, but for now, let’s get back to the main point.
Many men will use tactics to test the boundaries of how you allow them to behave with you. I’ve written an entire article on this subject, so I won’t go into detail here. You can find more information on their behaviors and strategies in that article.
How Men Test Women and How To Successfully Pass the Test. Are You a Ferrari or a Tesla? Part 2
I asked my male friends, and they said, “ If we like a woman, we test her.” Do you do the same with him, though?
medium.com
Why Women Should Not Take a Break from Dating
After becoming single, I decided to take a break and learn more about myself and relationships. During this time, I discovered that there are many different types of men. Although I knew what I was looking for, my approach changed in the following way:
By rejecting many men due to my decision to take a break from dating, I became emotionally lonely. This was a new experience for me since I always welcomed male attention and never felt deprived of it. Suddenly, I felt a strong desire for connection, and that’s where I fell into the trap most women fall.
I started allowing men who didn’t meet my standards to approach me because I craved attention and connection. These men sensed my neediness and didn’t put in the effort that I would usually require. After several short interactions with men, I would normally never give a chance to, I realized that I lost my senses to identify them as bad.
Depriving myself of male attention had made me crave it more than ever, which blinded me to spotting red flags early on. Normally, women can sense a good man from a not-so-good one if they are in tune with their instincts. However, my temporary isolation dulled these senses, making me more susceptible to the wrong kind of attention.
This experience is crucial because many women might think, “She’s pretty, so it’s easy for her,” or “She gets all this attention, so she can choose.” The truth is, whether someone is perceived as pretty or not, it’s not about beauty. It’s about how you position yourself and how you see yourself.
The pretty and the not-so-pretty face the same challenges when it comes to maintaining their standards and understanding their self-worth.
This realization has helped me understand the importance of maintaining my standards and recognizing my own value, regardless of the attention I receive. It’s not just about the external factors, but about how you perceive and present yourself.
When you TRULY (in your subconscious) believe you are a woman who deserves the best, you attract positive behavior because your brain won’t even allow you to be attracted to or like a guy who treats you poorly.
You’ll cut him out at such an early stage that you won’t have a chance to become attached or wonder how to get out of a “situationship”.
However, if you’re not quite there yet, it’s beneficial to communicate with many men. This doesn’t have to be formal dates; it could be casual conversations at a bar or with friends. The key is to open your energy and be receptive, attracting men who want to court you. Then, allow them to show you how they will court you through actions — gifts, dinners, phone calls/messages. You don’t even need to go on dates initially — nowadays, people can reveal a lot about themselves in just a few phone calls, often more than you might learn in a year of dating.
Do you know some men will get out of the game even before it starts because they need to put in more effort than they are used to? Nowadays I hear that calling instead of messaging counts as an effort ?! Is this true ?!
Conclusion
Experiment with this approach. The next time you meet someone, listen to your instincts and ask yourself what you see and think of this person within the first five seconds of meeting them. Your gut will tell you everything you need to know without even talking to them. But you need to learn to listen to your inner voice..
Often, it’s we who betray ourselves. We decide we like someone, they tick our boxes, and then the compromises begin. You should like them because of their actions not because of that dream bubble you already created in your mind on the first date.
Trust your instincts from the start and maintain your standards. This way, you’ll attract the right kind of attention and avoid unnecessary heartache.
Ultimately, successful dating is about active engagement and self-awareness. Men often bounce back from breakups by quickly interacting with new potential partners, which helps them understand their preferences and broaden their options. Women can benefit from a similar strategy, learning from each interaction rather than isolating themselves and dwelling on past relationships.
Believing in your own worth is essential. When you see yourself as deserving the best, you naturally repel those who would treat you poorly. By maintaining high standards and recognizing your value, you ensure that you don’t settle for less. Trusting your instincts will help you identify and steer clear of unsuitable partners early on.
To truly discover what you need in a partner, engage with a variety of men. Casual conversations can reveal more than extended dating periods. This method allows you to observe how men court you, helping you avoid unnecessary attachments to those who don’t meet your standards. By keeping your energy open and receptive, you’ll attract genuine connections and move closer to finding your ideal match. ❤
If you like what you read, I invite you to subscribe. Feel free to write to me with topics you would like me to include or if you want to share with me your personal experience. The more knowledge we share with each other the better we can become!
With much love,
Yours truly,
Enigma ❤
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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