While men are groping for ways to be honest about all things sexual—abuse, orientation, dysfunction—they don’t yet seem to have the language to talk about abortion experiences.
When I was in high school, one of my friends got a secret abortion. Though I wasn’t raised in a religious household, I remember taking a sheet of white, clean paper and writing a series of haphazard prayers that I then hid in my sock drawer.
One of them was for Cody*, my friend’s bewildered boyfriend. She wanted nothing to do with him, though he was trying his 17-year-old-teenage-boy best to be supportive; she said it felt like Cody had done this to her. I understood, but I also knew that he must be—as she was—holding it together all day, crying alone at night, utterly confused. Though raised Catholic, he too thought an abortion was the right decision, but had no role in the ritual of that choice.
I think of Cody from time to time and wonder what he’s doing now. I recently heard a rumor that he’s gone on to study theology. I can’t help but wonder if that decision was in some way informed by the conversation he was never able to have—with her, with friends, with mentors, with his version of god—about his experience of abortion.
After all, where is a pro-choice man who wants guidance, community or counseling around his experience of abortion to turn?
In the public sphere, the most vocal mention of men and abortion comes in virulently unsympathetic forms: government officials’ ethically indefensible, not to mention totally impractical, attempt to chip away at Roe v. Wade with consent laws (see the recent Ohio bill), or pro-life propaganda dressed up as counseling for men. It is no surprise that our pathetic excuse for sex education in this country makes little mention of abortion and/or the ways in which men might be affected by it.
In the clinical sphere, already spread-too-thin therapists and medical staff pay little attention to men’s involvement. Ninety-eight percent of clinic counselors are female, so a man hoping to discuss his feelings with a peer is largely out of luck.
In the most comprehensive study of men and abortion to date, Arthur Shostak, a professor of sociology at Drexel University, who describes himself as “unswervingly pro-choice,” found that men’s single greatest concern was the well-being of their sex partner and, further, that a majority of men would like to accompany their partners throughout the procedure. Most clinics don’t allow men beyond the waiting room, something Shostak says is evidence that many think of men as “coat holders and drivers.”
And in the private sphere, men struggle to reach out to one another about their experiences for a variety of reasons. A stigma against abortion overall remains (more oppressive in some geographies than others, of course), often keeping both women and their partners silent with even the closest of friends and family. In the same way that contemporary men are still groping for ways to be honest with one another about all things sexual—abuse, orientation, dysfunction—they just don’t seem to have the language to talk about their abortion experiences.
Few young men have fathers or mentors who have authentically modeled opening up about the very common experience of unexpected pregnancy. Wisecracks and silence are still the norm, despite the fact that, according to the Guttmacher Institute, about half of American couples have experienced an unintended pregnancy, and at current rates, more than one-third (35 percent) of women will have had an abortion by age 45.
The pro-choice movement, and feminists in general, seem to have historically shied away from the difficult but imperative task of involving men in conversations about abortion. It is understandable that the movement has been weary; no hot-button issue brings out more manipulation than this one. But it is time that feminists’ commitment to equality, as well as the quality of both women and men’s lives, trumps their fear that acknowledging men’s hardships will only serve as fodder for pro-life spin doctors. There must be a way to talk about men’s perspectives and experiences without compromising women’s bodies.
Men speak out
Jack*, a 28-year-old male, describes the abortion that his girlfriend went through a few years ago as “a really, really tough decision, but one that we made together, as partners.” Though he looks back on the experience with some sadness, he also sees it as a pivotal moment in the development of his own identity as a man. “The experience really made me man up—get out of debt, figure out a job, and get my shit together, generally,” Jack reflects. “It made me realize that, A, I did want to have a kid someday and, B, that the woman I was with is who I wanted to have a kid with.”
Jack looked to close friends for support—one male, one female—but felt somewhat abandoned while actually in the clinic waiting room: “I remember sitting there feeling terrified. I would have appreciated someone to talk to who had been through that moment.”
On the political level, Jack is unabashedly pro-choice. He believes that neither men, nor other women, should have any legal right to dictate what a woman does with her own body. But he does feel that the missing dialogue about men and abortion is detrimental: “If guys were talking about their experiences more it would bring added depth and a new understanding to this complicated issue.” Jack and his partner were married last year.
Not all guys report experiencing such a spirit of communication, support and reflection throughout difficult abortions. Philip*, a 27-year-old, regrets his inability to handle the significance of his girlfriend’s abortion. He received little support at the time and still—years later—feels like he hasn’t truly processed what he went through.
After his girlfriend determined that she was, indeed, pregnant, there was little discussion over the options. Philip described it more as an automatic attitude of “OK, let’s take care of it,” meaning schedule an abortion immediately.
In the days leading up to the abortion, Philip found himself incapable of acknowledging the complexity of what was about to take place, instead relying on humor to cope with what he now sees as fairly deep feelings. He explains, “I frequently tried to inject humor into the situation, something I know wasn’t appreciated by my partner. In the days between the positive test and the abortion, I grew somewhat detached and distant. I wanted to be present emotionally, but I was overwhelmed.”
Philip’s partner determined who was “allowed to know”—limited to a few close friends and her mother. He turned to these close friends, but found “his boys” as ill-equipped as he was to handle the depth of the situation. Instead of gaining insight into how to support his partner through serious circumstances, he became even more prone to make light of it. “There were times when I minimized its importance and made it out to be no big deal,” Philip remembers. “I thought that might make it easier for both of us. I thought acknowledging the magnitude of the event would only add to the stress and sadness.”
Philip and his partner have since split up. He sums it up: “My emotional absence stings me to this day, since it was such a significant ordeal in both of our lives. My distance and lack of grace made my partner feel alone, and that hurts.”
As more brave voices—like Jack’s and Philip’s—make their way into both alternative and mainstream media, perhaps boys and men can find a way to enter into dialogue with one another, and with their partners, about how abortion has affected their lives.
There is a growing, though still inadequate, movement to address men’s experiences of abortion. At the forefront is Shostak, author of Men and Abortion, Losses, Lessons, and Loves, which is based on a survey involving more than a thousand men who responded to questionnaires in the waiting rooms of 30 clinics located in 18 states. Other books are not explicitly aimed at but address men, such as Unspeakable Losses: Understanding the Experience of Pregnancy Loss, Miscarriage & Abortion, by Kim Kluger-Bell, and The Choices We Made, by Angela Bonavoglia. Online, pro-choice men can find support at www.menandabortion.com, a site founded in 2006 and still in development.
There is a price to both men and women when men don’t feel supported or safe to talk about their experiences with a partner’s abortions. Men can be pushed further into anxious masculinity, subconsciously convinced that if the world acts like their feelings don’t matter, they’ll just pretend not to have them. Women are then burdened with both the physical responsibility of the abortion and the entire emotional responsibility of processing what it means.
If both men and women feel like they have a role in the procedure and healing—however that’s interpreted by partners, depending on their spiritual and/or political beliefs—we will be healthier as a whole. Perhaps men, freed from the shackles of silence, will also be more prone to help out in the important work of keeping Roe v. Wade intact and abortion safer and less stigmatized for everyone.
*Names listed are pseudonyms.
This post originally appeared on AlterNet.org.
photo by Andrew Feinburg, Flickr
This issue is quite intellectually stimulating. My initial thoughts are that men should have a voice and my reasoning comes from looking at a general solution. If a couple gets pregnant (ruling out involuntary conception) one of four things can happen: The man and woman both want to keep the baby. •Solution? Both the man and the woman will be expected to raise and care for the being that they are bringing into the world. The man wants an abortion and the woman doesn’t want an abortion. •Solution? The woman will be expected to raise and care for the being… Read more »
I’d like to forestall any arguments that men are disqualified from talking about abortion because men don’t carry babies so will never have to face that choice. If the ability to get pregnant is a prerequisite for entering the debate, then that would leave many women out of the debate as well. To apply the standard fairly would require some kind of fertility test, which seems awfully awkward to me.
Men have to carry the financial burden; sure the woman can decide to keep the baby but men should be able to decide if they will pay for it or not. His wallet, his choice.
This issue (and moreso the comment section trolls it attracts) could be, SHOULD be, irrelevant in all but isolated slums. Every bit of energy spent arguing, pre or post, inpatient forced miscarriage (a better name for abortion, really) could better spent improving existing over the counter prophylactics.
I remember thinking about this topic a lot when I was in high school. I had been identifying as a feminist since I was 11, and always believed that government had no place in dictating the decisions women were or were not allowed to make over their bodies, especially in regards to pregnancy, but I faced the conflict posed in this article in high school when the reality of becoming sexually active became more realistic. I wasn’t like most men when it came to the idea of having sex. I always thought of sex as an incredible responsibility to determine… Read more »
Despite my feminist and pro-choice views, I remember being overwhelmed with emotion and even rage at the idea of not being included in the decision making process. Of course, I understood that the impact of the choice would have greater bearing on her than on me, but still, I wanted to know that I would be able to share and struggle through that experience with her. It has to do with the trust and love of the relationship. I feel that if my partner isn’t open to sharing with me and talking to me about whether or not its right… Read more »
Perhaps the questions to ask are WHY a woman might not tell her partner (and/or want to control who knows about the abortion) and WHAT men can do in order to ensure that their partners will involve them in the decision making process. BTW-there are numerous studies that rate the opinion of the father as the most heavily weighted factor in determining whether a woman will terminate an unintended pregnancy. I have had two unintended pregnancies; the first one ended in a miscarriage before the surgical abortion my partner and I had scheduled and another that ended in a chemical… Read more »
To be honest, I have known since I was a teenager that if I ever had an unwanted pregnancy, I would get an abortion regardless of who I was with or how he felt about it. I’m not emotionally prepared for a child at this point in my life, nor do I have the resourses or time for one. Quite early on, my boyfriend decided we needed to have a talk about what would happen if we had an unwanted pregnancy. We were both happy to find that we had the same opinion on the matter. I’m glad he decided… Read more »
There are some men allowed beyond the waiting room: those involved in abortion care.
I’m a male medical student writing about my experience learning how to perform abortions. It’s long-winded and introspective, but it’s a view behind the curtain.
vacuumaspirations.tumblr.com
ACO.
Where to start? Reading classes, most likely.
I did not say MRAs are assholes. I said that men who try to talk about their experiences wrt abortion are slammed as MRA assholes. By other people.
Since I haven’t been associated with abortion one way or another, I have no personal experiences about which to talk.
I have, however, read some feminist sites for some time.
Standing up to shaming language, or even disagreeing on a matter of fact, will get you banned from feminist sites. ’cause you’re a MRA asshole.
Sorry about the Richard, my mistake.
Edit – that not the
edit – stats not states
So the pro-life movement are housing their agenda in compassion for men and now here we have a representative of the feminist movement saying that feminism should do the same. I’ll put my stock in the men’s rights movement before I will either of these concern trolling groups.
And this “While men are groping for ways to be honest about all things sexual—abuse, dysfunction”.
Is there any sign of women doing the same or is that still verboten speech and something to be hidden behind manipulated states ?
I would have appreciated at least some effort to include quotes from men who have experienced abortion but who are not so decidedly pro-choice.
Men have the language. In this country, it’s English, mostly. What they don’t have is anyplace to speak it on this subject that won’t get them slammed as MRA assholes.
Other than that….
Few things Richard, you are calling all mra’s assholes, they are not and its the men’s rights movement that are making men aware that they are getting the short end, and teaching men to stand up for themselves. You report that you are chosing to allow your speech to be controlled through shaming language. Stand up for your own rights and what you believe in, if a feminist or anyone tries to use shaming tactics to silence you, tell them you know exactly what they are doing, why they are doing it and where to go.
You might try reading Richard’s comment a litle more closely, this time for comprehension.
It seems that people recognize the biological consequences of abortion and simply conclude that since he’s not carrying the child then he should be totally shut out of the process. I honestly think that is a big factor in causing a lot of bitterness among men when it comes to it (also bearing in mind that the practice seems to be to totally shut the man out until the child is born and then all of sudden he’s useful, aka walking wallet). If people want to actually include men in this (doesn’t have to be the final say but at… Read more »
I understand that the experience may be traumatic for some men but ultimately, if we believe (as I do) that a woman should have complete autonomy over her body, the choice to have an abortion is hers and hers alone. It’s her biological burden, not his.
If she commits some sort of reproductive fraud, entrapment for example, it becomes his biological burden with the threat of state violence. I think that consent to fatherhood would be good in that sort of instance.
Men can avoid unwanted fatherhood by taking appropriate precautions. Wear a condom, even if she says she’s on the pill, for example. Of course, no birth control method is infallible (except permanent methods, like vasectomy), so both parties are taking a risk that pregnancy may result. I see your point that it can be unfair to men to have to support a child they don’t want, but that’s a risk you take by having sex. The woman has to risk her physical health and economic future (being a single mother is no picnic — a lot of men don’t or… Read more »
While that is true it seems that instead of telling everyone about the risks of sex, people are now just swinging the pendulum the other way. Like now when it comes to risky sex the advice seems to be tell women, “Here are these services to help you out” while men are simply told, “you should have kept it in your pants” (as if its horribly wrong to tell a woman she should have kept it out of her pants).
Ok Jill, Ill mirror you. If a woman doesn’t want a child, she should use birth control. If you have no recognition of a need for choice for me, I don’t see any reason to support choice for you.
Pro-life, sign me up.
I agree with you 100%, women absolutely have a responsibility to use birth control. But unintended pregnancy is the risk that everybody runs by having sex. If you choose to have sex with a woman you assume that risk. You can avoid the whole problem by getting a vasectomy or not having sex unless you are ready for potential fatherhood. That’s your choice. If you want to take choice away from women that either means forcing women to have abortions they don’t want, or forcing them to take the biological risks of pregnancy and childbirth. It’s a question of bodily… Read more »
No Jill there is more to it than you are able to see from your gynocentric position. Woman lies about b/c or b/c fails, she gets pregnant and has the child, employs the state to collect money from the victim under the threat of violence, the victim loses his job and falls behind on the debts and men in costumes order him to be locked in a cage. Its about a mans bodily integrity too. And no one suggested forcing women to have abortions, that would be absurd. I’m suggesting, to make a point that if gynocentric and misandric feminists… Read more »
What about accidental pregnancy? You are assuming that scores of women are out there lying about their birth control or intentionally getting pregnant. Not saying that doesn’t happen but most unintended pregnancy is just that, unintended. Also, if you are going pro life to punish women, you seem to have your priorities screwed up. Less access to abortion = more men supporting kids they don’t want, which is what you are complaining about. I recently read that 1/3 of women in the US will have an abortion by age 45. I think the number of women having abortions far exceeds… Read more »
I an including accidental pregnancy, if the pregnancy is accidental, by definition there is no consent to fatherhood. I don’t really want to object to abortion, I brought that up to demonstrate a “what if men decided to be as unreasonable as gynocentric feminists and we said, you had sex, you got pregnant now tough luck”. I was putting the shoe on the other foot. You might not know any women that wouldn’t have a child with a supportive man, (men cant speak up anyway and women don’t readily admit to these things so you might well know one) or… Read more »
Do you see the double standards you are going by? If a man should have to accept a child he doesn’t want, why shouldn’t a woman?
Do you also see how you are objectifying the man’s child into nothingeness. after, it’s pretty immature to think that pregnancy is only about what happens to a woman’s body.
Jill, I agree with you 100%, but I’m not sure anyone posting so far is saying that allowing space for men to be involved means restricting reproductive rights of women. At least I for one would sugges that men can have a little more involvement in some cases without a loss of women’s autonomy or rights. For example, I know of one clinic where the staff talks to the patient privately about who can and can’t be present in the room with her. No one gets to be in the room with her without her permission, and within limits anyone… Read more »
I agree with “her body her choice”, I also agree with “his wallet his choice”. If a woman can decide to abort or not once she realises she’s pregnant, a man should be able to decide whether he wants to be a father or not when he discovers his sexual partner is pregnant. Women no longer need men to support them, they are quite capable of working for their own living. The model of the man supporting a pregnant woman is very 20th century.
Consent to fatherhood would be a very useful concept to bred into society.
If she hasn’t got consent to fatherhood, she can do what she likes he can be free of the responsibility, if he choses, while at the same time, if she has – he must be included.
I agree, but I think that decision would have to be made before you had sex, ideally – protected or unprotected.
I don’t think that there should be children or a mandatory legal claim on the mans responsibility without consent regardless of protection used at the time. Birth control fails, people can lie about birth control, it can be sabotaged and couples can get caught up in the moment .
If women were educated about real consent to fatherhood, and men have the option to legally abort, there would be no Jerry Springer show, very few single mothers and a much smaller prison population, IMO.
Yes Livy I agree, the decision should be made before, and if she doesn’t inform that she intends to have a child or has one despite the agreement he should not forced into fatherhood.
How is that diffenrent from consent to motherhood? Doesn’t a woman make that choice when she has sex?
Of course she, does, but that isn’t the point. In either instance.
Yes, the responsibility for birth control was 50/50 at this time pregnancy prevention has become the sole responsibility of women. The number of birth control methods for women are endless yet for men it is either a condom or surgery. The logical stance is to advocate for more birth control options for men as opposed to penalizing a child for just being born. The logic being for men who fear, at risk of or do not want to have an unplanned pregnancy, having more birth control options that do not rely upon trusting the word of a partner would most… Read more »
This one hits to close to home. It’s all well and good to have a support network for guys dealing with abortion but I think the real problem is a lot of men aren’t included at the most fundamental level with their significant others. The decision is made for most guys. From there, everything takes on a defeatist attitude because we know our input essentially doesn’t matter. My case, which was well-chronicled on these pages in a piece called “Confronting Life,” was different but the descriptions of the waiting room and being kept at arm’s length away from my wife… Read more »