Why Most People Fail at Relationships. How Can You Not?

The success of any relationship requires time, work, effort, and patience. And whenever we fall back in any of these areas, that is when our relationships fail.

We must educate ourselves about behaviors that promote trust, cooperation, and love and apply those learnings to our interactions with those around us. You’ll always have average relationships if you don’t figure out how you want to be loved and how the people around you want to be loved.

COMMUNICATION

Intentions alone are not enough. Your actions must constantly tell the other person that you love them. Love is not only in the grand gestures but also in the little things.

Telling your partner that you love them every night before you sleep matters
Letting them know that you are there for them matters
Complimenting them matters

One of my favorite relationship quotes is this: Distance does not kill relationships; silence does.

During times of conflict, never resort to slamming the doors and shutting each other out. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship. They help you increase the mutual understanding in the relationship if you sit through them and try to understand where the other person is coming from.

Always make the first move. Anthony Moore has written a wonderful piece on making the first move:

Always make the first move.

The meaning is simple: if you can help the relationship, do it. Don’t wait for the other person to act (even if you don’t want to).

Most people have strained and superficial relationships with family and even with friends. This is because most people always wait for the other person to “make the first move,” say hello, organize a hangout, or apologize.

This is a pride thing. It’s one of the main killers of marriages, friendships, and families.

If you want deep, meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and even just the people in your day-to-day life, make the first move — even if it should be them. Be the first to:

Initiate the conversation
Send the first text
Say you miss them
Say you love them
Apologize and ask for forgiveness
Organize a hangout
Compliment them
Thank them
Tell them you appreciate what they did

For a long time, I felt awkward and uncomfortable telling my brothers and sister, “I love you.” Three of the people whom I loved most in the entire world, and I couldn’t say it!

Now, I tell them I love them all the time. I say it over text, over casual phone calls, at crises, celebrations, and over the holidays. I tell my friends, too. Every single important person in my life — mentors, family, friends, even coworkers, know how special they are to me.

It feels silly to be afraid to say this to a loved one. Yet, so many people can’t say a few simple words that would galvanize the entire relationship and deeply touch their soul.

Once you do this, you can begin enjoying a gem most people never will: close, loving, life-giving relationships with many people.

ACTIVE LISTENING

The greatest skill of a good communicator is active listening. When you pay attention to what the other person has to say, they feel heard and according to Dale Carnegie, making the other person feel heard is one of the most crucial things you can do for building a trusting, deep, and long-lasting relationship.

You learn more about the other person and hear them tell stories about their past experiences. Those stories help you understand where the other person is coming from and reduce misunderstandings.

A few pointers:

Good listeners ask questions: Asking questions lets the speaker know that the listener has heard what has been said and has understood it well enough to seek more information rather than just sitting there and nodding in agreement.
Good listeners do not judge: Establishing a secure setting that allows for open discussion of problems and differences is the hallmark of good listening.
Good listeners make suggestions: They do not refrain from offering feedback that may help the speaker but are mindful of how they make those suggestions. Criticism and contempt do not exist in their dictionary; they share credible insights based on personal experience and do not overdo it if the other person seems reluctant. They nudge the speaker in the right direction rather than doing hand-holding.

EFFORT

Effort in a relationship means being aware of your partner’s needs and being proactive about meeting those. It goes beyond material things. It is about putting in the time and making the other person feel loved and respected by being actively involved in the relationship.

Pointers:

Showing Affection: Do small things that tell the other person that you love and care about them. Send them random texts to let them know you are thinking of them. Hold hands and hug them. Kiss them before going out. There are many ways to show affection, and there is no one right way to do that. Focus your attention on letting the other person know of your feelings about them through everyday gestures.
Dates Matter: It is easy to forget important dates, but when you remember events like birthdays and anniversaries and surprise your partner, it tells them that they matter to you and you put effort to make them feel special. If you are bad at remembering dates, put reminders in your phone’s calendar.
Physical Touch: You have to work to keep the romance alive in your relationship. Sex and intimacy are essential elements of a fulfilling relationship. Although it’s normal for your sex life to vary through time, difficult sex life may indicate that the relationship isn’t being worked on. To ensure you’re both equally satisfied in your sex life, have conversations about each other’s desires.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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