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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
How to Leave When You Can’t Seem to Leave
In this video, I’m going to talk about the peculiar reason why it is so difficult to get over certain types of narcissistic relationships. At the end, I’ll provide you with a tool that can help you find peace and clarity so that you can finally feel better if this is causing you constant pain and anguish.
The Challenge of Leaving
In my book, *Love Life*, which came out last year, I wrote an entire chapter—Chapter 12—titled “How to Leave When You Can’t Seem to Leave.” The chapter focuses on how to leave a narcissist. I didn’t use the term “narcissist” in the title because I wanted to avoid a divisive label in a world where many accuse content creators of inappropriately using the word in various contexts. My hope is that many readers left toxic relationships after reading that chapter.
However, I know that committing to the decision to leave and actually holding to that decision are two very different things. Once we have left someone, we still have an enormous amount of work ahead of us in dealing with the emotions that inevitably arise—emotions that threaten to lead us back to the source of our pain. For some, moving on from such a situation can take years; for others, it may feel like relief will only come when someone dies—either them or the narcissist.
Defining the Narcissist
Before we dive in, it makes sense to loosely define the kind of person I’m talking about. I’m not providing a clinical definition of a narcissist; instead, I want you to think of this individual as a maligning force in your life—someone whose behavior is intentionally harmful or whose actions have a poisonous effect.
When we are around this person, we are often gaslit and made to feel like we’re crazy. The experience can be disorienting, causing us to lose confidence. This person might be a destructive force in various aspects of our lives, whether in relationships, finances, or mental health. Regardless of their intentions, their presence hinders our ability to heal and realize our true potential.
The Instinct to Reconnect
Breaking away from someone like this is a huge and courageous achievement. However, as time passes, we often feel instincts to let them back into our lives. We might consider rekindling a romantic relationship or reconnecting on some level. Even when a romantic reunion is off the table—due to the betrayal and harm we’ve endured—we often experience an urge to connect, whether by answering their calls, responding to their texts, or supporting them emotionally.
Many people who leave long-term relationships feel this instinct, even when they know deep down that they shouldn’t have any contact. It’s alien and strange not to reach out. This dynamic isn’t limited to romantic relationships; it often extends to parents, friends, or even adult children with whom we need to distance ourselves.
When we think we’ve done the hardest part by breaking away, we eventually realize that numerous challenging moments lie ahead. These moments force us to question whether we’ve made the right decision by cutting off communication. We may move someone to the outer perimeter of our lives to protect ourselves, only to later grapple with whether they can still reach us or if they should remain excluded altogether.
The Emotions That Lie in Wait: #1 Guilt
Even after significant fractures in our relationships occur, difficult emotions can lie in wait for us. One prevalent emotion is guilt. Even when we’ve been wronged by the person in seemingly unforgivable ways, cutting off communication often leaves us feeling guilty.
We may think we are ruthless for deciding not only to end contact but also to exclude them entirely from our lives. Though we may have justifiable reasons for this decision, guilt ensues. Sometimes, those closest to us, even our children, may echo this sentiment, making us feel even more guilt-ridden.
Unlike physical wounds that heal over time, guilt can increase as we start to feel better. As our open wounds heal into scars that no longer demand our attention, we risk forgetting the pain this person caused. With that distance, we may start to remember the good moments and better aspects of their nature, leading us to question our strict decision to cut them out of our lives.
The Emotions That Lie in Wait: #2 Grief
The second emotion we encounter is grief—a deep sadness and longing for the space this person once occupied in our lives. We may find ourselves mourning the loss of someone who hurt us deeply or caused significant damage. However, this grief is not just normal grief; it is compounded by the death of an idea of who we thought that person was.
Many people struggle to reach this stage of grief because it’s easier to mourn the loss of someone imperfect rather than confront the reality that the person they imagined never truly existed. If we grieve the notion of who we thought they were, we must also accept that we were living a lie, which can compromise the integrity of our past.
Moving On and the Finality of Separation
When we sever ties with someone, we may experience an uncanny sense of that person having died, even though they are still out there. This can create a painful thought pattern: Is this my life moving forward—living without this person? That thought can feel final, and it brings up questions of regret.
We may agonize over whether we will look back and see the years we lost with them as wasted opportunities for connection. Yet, when we honestly reflect on the situation, we recognize that reconnecting would bring us back to the same unhealthy dynamic. The effort of reviving the relationship seems futile, yet we wrestle with the emotional turmoil of letting go.
Circular Thinking
This creates a Catch-22 in which we must confront the finality of ending a relationship while grappling with whether we should allow them back into our lives. When we come to the realization that they are unlikely to change, we are left with a strange and painful cycle: we can’t let them back in unless they change, but if they aren’t going to change, then we can never let them back in.
This leads to a circular thought process—an ongoing debate with ourselves about something we have already decided. We can find ourselves in a state of indecision for the rest of our lives, which can feel torturous.
Remember: It’s Not Your Fault
If you resonate with this video, remember: this relationship isn’t over because of you; it’s over because of them. You are not to blame for being unable to maintain a relationship with someone who brought you pain.
When we feel guilty for not answering their calls or staying firm in our decision, we perceive the blame to lie with us. The other person likely reinforces this feeling, playing the victim and creating a narrative that paints you as the bad guy.
To reframe this, consider the analogy of escaping a burning house. Would you blame yourself for leaving? No. It was your only option for survival. Just like that, the relationship no longer exists because of them, not you.
Celebrate Your Escape
Before you go, remind yourself that leaving the “burning house” is something to be celebrated. Thank yourself for putting yourself in a better position in life, for finding peace, and for deciding what the next chapter of your life will entail.
If you are currently exploring what comes next, I invite you to join me for my in-person weekend retreat happening over two days on October 18th and 19th. This is the first time I’ve hosted this new program, which welcomes everyone—men and women alike.
This immersive coaching weekend will explore our blind spots, what holds us back, how to manage our emotions, and how to build a powerful relationship with ourselves. Together, we will instill the habits that will help us achieve the life we want.
If you haven’t gotten your ticket yet, visit MHretreat.com. This could be the bold and beautiful decision you make for your life. We currently have early bird tickets on sale, and prices will go up after that.
I look forward to seeing you in Miami in October. Thank you for watching, and don’t forget to leave me a comment. I’ll see you next time!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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