Good men overcompensate for the bad ones.
And it gets a tad predictable and dull.
On first dates, that is.
For example, these good guys don’t assume I would be comfortable meeting them for a hike because they know many women don’t feel safe being in a somewhat secluded place with a man they barely know.
Except most of the men are in their 60’s, as am I, and I am not at all afraid of going on a popular hike with them. I feel fairly confident that I could hold my own physically, if not inflict some serious damage in the instance of a very unlikely attack. But more importantly, I have vetted them well in advance and feel safe meeting them.
Or they feel that because of gendered pay inequity they should pay even though we share the same financial status.
Or, they feel we should split the bill because they don’t want me to feel there is any expectation or obligation that I owe them something if they pay.
Except I don’t feel at all obligated like I owe them something.
Sometimes I can see how they parse their words in conversation because they don’t want to come on too strong, because they don’t want to be seen as dicks.
While I appreciate their efforts at awareness, they are selling themselves short and ignoring the more insiduous aspects of sexism, long experienced by women:
They are making themselves less than who they are.
Women have for so long made ourselves less powerful, less smart, less assertive, less less less than. We were taught not to threaten the man.
But now, the irony is that the nice guys, in an effort to differentiate themselves from their a-hole brethren, are doing the same things to themselves.
In the process, they make themselves less attractive to women.
They show up as dependable, honest, simple, what-you-see-is-what-you-get men and want that to be enough.
Speaking for myself, as a very strong feminist woman, these very nice guys are their own worst enemies. Because while they are busy not being dicks, they can’t see that they don’t have any game in the dating realm. They don’t flirt, they don’t tease, they don’t give off the juicy vibes.
But what they don’t realize is that most women including myself have no intention of getting into a relationship that lacks equality and unmatched energy.
I need someone who is whole.
I want to tell them to relax because their uptight, nervous energy is not sexy.
Guys, its really not sexy.
So if you want to get the girl, at any age, find a liberated way to flirt. Get dancing, buy flowers or little tokens of your esteem, plan something special, listen attentively, let me know you get me.
Don’t be so careful. Don’t make yourself less than. Be your glorious, full, complete self. Don’t tiptoe around me on old, politically correct eggshells. Read the vibes, read the room. Let yourself be fabulous.
Show me what you got.
Show us what you got.
And never forget that I will say ‘no’ if I need to. So will you. Have some trust and a little faith, and a little fun.
Rhyena Halpern writes on senior dating, romance and sexuality, as well as conscious death and dying, women’s issues, wellness and aging. Feel free to email me at [email protected] and peruse my other stories on Medium Rhyena Halpern
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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