Why Self-Focus Is the New Ultimate Skill to Successful Relationships

We’ve all observed people who seem to have an endless supply of self-confidence, the kind of people who do whatever they want without second-guessing themselves.

Interestingly, these individuals often seem happiest, most fulfilled, and least bogged down by life’s obstacles.

Is it narcissism, or is there something more at play here?

The truth might surprise you: you don’t have to be a narcissist to unlock the benefits of this self-focus.

As someone who has spent a lifetime observing human behavior — both in myself and others — I’ve come to a conclusion that might shed light on why some people seem to glide effortlessly through life while others constantly struggle.

The Empath-Narcissist Spectrum

I’ve always been fascinated by the interplay of traits that make up a person’s psyche. Over the years, I’ve noticed that I have a unique blend of empathic and narcissistic traits.

Having experienced both ends of this spectrum, I can confidently say that if I had to choose between the two, I would pick narcissism over empathy every time. Here’s why:

when you prioritize your own happiness and well-being — much like narcissists tend to do — you’re more likely to make choices that nourish your soul, do things that make you feel good, and, ultimately, be happier.

This isn’t to say that narcissism is the ultimate answer or that it’s healthy to disregard others altogether. However, what I’m advocating here is the idea that prioritizing your happiness isn’t inherently selfish — it can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life for both parties in a relationship.

The Power of Self-Focus

For many empaths — those who are highly attuned to the emotions and needs of others — the tendency is to overextend themselves, often at the cost of their happiness. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and tend to sacrifice their own desires to make others happy. This can be draining and often leads to burnout or resentment.

If you’re an empath — or someone who tends to prioritize others over yourself — recognizing this pattern is the first step in reclaiming your sense of agency. You are not obliged to constantly make everyone around you feel better and try saving them!

This urge often stems from an unmet need for help you didn’t receive as a child. As a result, you may feel compelled to help others avoid the same pain. While this is noble and good-hearted, you must also learn to establish boundaries — both emotional and physical. I spent many years trapped in this cycle until I finally figured it out and found my escape ladder.

I have a pure heart full of love, and I used to give it freely to everyone everywhere I went. But I didn’t realize that many people, especially those with psychopathic traits, would gladly take advantage of this. Some would even entangle me in their webs, draining my energy and leaving me dependent on them, ultimately dimming my light.

This is why I find narcissists less harmful to themselves. Their natural tendency is to focus on themselves and their appearance, which protects them from being taken advantage of. From that perspective, being on that end of the spectrum has some advantages: you may not help others as much, but you’re also less likely to be exploited. Instead, you’re admired, and others often want to assist you or offer their support.

Finding the Bliss Point

So, where is the sweet spot? It turns out there is one. Learn about emotional intelligence.

When you master self-regulation, navigating life becomes so much easier. It feels as though no one can trigger you anymore because you can calm yourself in five minutes and regain clarity.

Speaking from personal experience, the most important step I ever achieved in my personal development journey was learning about boundaries and how to establish them. A therapist once told me that setting boundaries is the step to adulthood. Many people remain psychologically “stuck” because they never completed this crucial stage of growing up.

The moment you learn what’s acceptable to you and what’s not — and develop the inner strength to say no when something doesn’t sit right — magic happens. You can be both empathetic and loving while also knowing when to stop.

Let me give you an example.

In my personal life, I’ve been healing from wounds of rejection and abandonment. Whenever I liked someone and they pulled away, I would feel sad and crave their attention, even if I didn’t see potential in the relationship. This wasn’t love or attraction; it was a cry for validation.

Overcoming this took time, but I now see how irrational it was. First, how can you love someone who doesn’t treat you right? Second, why would you seek the attention of someone you don’t genuinely want to be with? Reflecting on it now seems so absurd, yet I know many of you reading this will recognize yourselves in similar situations.

Emotions can overpower us if we don’t control them. That’s why setting boundaries is essential. Once I made it clear to myself that I would only be attracted to men who treat me well — true gentlemen who do as they say — I stopped struggling.

It’s like having a defense system for my feelings. When I get triggered, an alarm goes off in my brain: “Caution: boundaries activated! You deserve better”. I even visualize a small broom sweeping away thoughts of that person from my mind. I don’t let myself spiral. The first thought is rejected, and I say no. That’s it — no explanations, no-nonsense.

Do you realize how much we devalue ourselves every time we entertain behavior from someone that we don’t want to tolerate? It all stems from an inner fear of rejection — the feeling that if we stand by our beliefs, the other person will abandon us. Well, so be it!

Loving Yourself First

When you truly love yourself, you’re no longer afraid of being alone. You know you deserve better. You can walk away without a second thought, telling yourself, I deserve so much more.

The only time we stay in such situations is when we don’t believe we’re worthy of more or that we deserve what we get. Our minds come up with excuses and justifications to hide this truth because facing it requires strength. But here’s the thing: the only person who can deceive you is you.

Learn to value yourself, and watch your life transform!

Embracing Your Own Happiness

So, if you’re someone who leans more toward being an empath, it might be time to ask yourself: What would happen if I put myself first for once? What would life look like if I started prioritizing my own needs without feeling guilty?

You don’t need to adopt a narcissistic mindset in a negative way, but you can learn from the narcissist’s focus on self. To be clear, this doesn’t mean you should disregard others or act without empathy. It simply means taking the time to recognize and validate your own needs, ensuring you’re not constantly pouring from an empty cup.

In the end, the key to a happy relationship may not be found in pleasing others but in understanding and honoring your own needs and desires. When you take the time to focus on your own well-being, you’ll find that you’re not only happier but also equipped to help others more sustainably. Naturally, this leads to having better, happier, and more fulfilling relationships.

Yours,

Enigma ❤

If you like what you read, I invite you to subscribe.

Feel free to write to me with topics you would like me to include or if you want to share with me your personal experience. The more knowledge we share the better we can become!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***