Why She Dumped You and What You Should Do Next

You met online, exchanged a few emails that led to exchanging phone numbers. You moved the conversation from texting on your lunch break to texting all night. You covered the gamut of topics. Favorite movie, favorite book, coffee vs tea, dog vs cat, what you would do with a million dollars, and where you dream of traveling next.

You finally set a first date, and it’s everything you hoped it would be. Great conversation, unhinged laughter, and, oh yes, the accidental touch turned into the perfect opportunity to hold hands. A hug, maybe even a kiss, and an agreement to do this again soon.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Then, one day- maybe two weeks into it, maybe five- you wake up to a text from her, and your heart lights up. Until you read it.

Last night was great, but I’m not ready for a relationship. (or something to that effect)

What the actual?

It’s not cool. I get it. But it happens. I have been that girl. So let me tell you what’s up.

There are essentially two ways to take this when it happens after a couple or several awesome dates.

One. The reason she gives you is legit.

Or at least you can assume that it is because you can’t possibly know anyway. You will never be invited into her head so you will never get to look around and validate anything she tells you. It’s easier to assume she’s giving it to you straight. At the very least, she’s giving you her truth, the reason that feels valid to her. Accepting someone’s truth is not always easy because we all have unique perspectives, even on shared experiences like dating.

When I have given this reason, it has been, most of the time, legit. I may have been going on with my life, getting into a job or school or whatever else, thinking it would be so nice to share that journey with someone. So, I started dating. And then, maybe a couple weeks or a couple months into it, I realized how much time and energy had been shifted toward that relationship. That’s when reality hit, and it was time to decide if that relationship was more important than the endeavor it was taking time away from. Until I met my husband, it wasn’t.

If someone tells you they’re too busy for or not ready for or can’t handle a relationship with you, that’s about them and their priorities. Thank them for letting you know and move on. You deserve to be a priority or close to the top of that list.

Two. The reason doesn’t matter.

Rejection sucks. It sucks even more after a few awesome dates when you feel like you’ve made a strong connection with someone. If that someone is trying to give you a thousand different explanations for why they’re ending it or dishing out details that feel contrived or imagined, then what really matters is that you’re seeing this sooner rather than later.

When I have done that, it was because I didn’t know what I really wanted in the first place. All the different reasons I was throwing out were my attempts at trying to find an answer for myself. Maybe I had a vague idea going into it, and the only thing that got clearer was that the idea didn’t get clearer. Here I am, even now, trying to fully understand my younger self. What I do know is that a relationship should be allowed to grow on a foundation of clarity. Anything less can set you up for heartache later.

Yes, rejection is awful. It hurts and bruises your ego and can make you question the whole dating experience.

But I’m here to tell you that, while rejection marks the end of a connection, it also offers a clean slate for moving on. Take what you can or what you want from that last experience, shake it off, and get back to your journey.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.