We’ve all been there before, but I will still set the scene. You’ve met a gorgeous caramel-skinned Brazilian named Milena at your local Starbucks and are sharing a great conversation. You’re certainly nervous, though. After all, Milena is insanely beautiful, making you feel as confident as a naked homophobe on the main stage at Pride.
However, this doesn’t mean you’re not killing it in the inimitable way that only you can. Somehow and some way, you’re in your element, brimming with alpha male energy and owning the moment like you’ve channelled the spirit of a prime Muhammad Ali.
And you know what? Milena loves you. She’s smiling, giggling, and twirling her hair with engorged pupils, letting you know she’s focused on you 1000%. She’s making absolutely no effort to leave and showing zero signs of discomfort. Make no mistake, this woman is entirely, irrefutably, and undeniably attracted to you, and it’s a great feeling.
You feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and validated. It’s amazing
You soon add this Latina beauty on WhatsApp and see her profile picture pop up as she saves your number, too. After that, you’re so happy you dance a jig all the way home, literally singing in the rain like you’ve forgotten your name isn’t Gene Kelly.
You don’t want to play games, however. You want to get to know Milena and potentially build something. But you also don’t want to look desperate, so with that in mind, you wait about 8–10 hours before sending her a text which reads:
Hey, this is Brian from Starbucks. It was good to meet you, and I’d love to do it again sometime 🙂
It’s a good text, you think to yourself. Polite, upbeat, and relaxed but still shows a tinge of your masculine intent. You then put your phone down and get back to your affairs, eagerly waiting for Milena to send a reply, which sadly never materialises.
The more you wait, the more nervous you become, and the more anxious you become, the harder it is to wait.
You want to know what’s wrong, but, like I said, you don’t want to be desperate. Did she give you the correct number? You check her profile pic and see it is indeed her in the image, so what’s up? Is everything OK? Has something happened to her?
But again, you’re not desperate, and you’re certainly not needy. Hell to the no no no. You might not be some pompous, arrogant, stuck-up-his-own-ass, self-proclaimed internet dating guru who loves to pontificate and hear himself speak, but you’re also not a fool. You’ve got far too much sense than to throw your balls out of a moving car into oncoming traffic by begging her to reply.
This means that somehow and some way, you manage to make it through 24 excruciatingly long hours of repeatedly checking your phone before you eventually follow up with:
Hey, I just wanted to see if everything’s OK? Do I even have the right number?
And guess what? Not only does Milena still not reply, but you notice that the two blue read receipt ticks have lit up in your chat, meaning she’s definitely seen both of your messages.
So now there’s no doubt. She definitely knows you’ve tried to reach out but still hasn’t bothered to say anything.
You’re getting annoyed now, but you haven’t given up completely. Maybe she’s got something going on in her life or is in trouble? There could be any number of reasons why she’s opted to ignore you.
Being the rational and level-headed soul that you are, you wait it out for another day, during which you see Milena post a picture of her feet resting in a park on a sunny day with the caption #stressfreeexistence.
…
You then send her one more message, which reads:
Hello?
A message she again reads but doesn’t deem worthy of a response. You’re annoyed now, really annoyed, but rather than say anything insulting (which you’d love to do), you delete Milena’s number and try to forget all about her.
But it’s hard, isn’t it?
It’s hard to forget Milena because you really liked her and thought you guys might have a future.
She laughed at all your jokes, was so beautiful, and looked like she was really into you. You’ve been outright rejected by so many women before, and it kills your spirit whenever they dismiss you like you’re a nuisance.
But at least those interactions made sense. At least you could wrap your head around them. Those women weren’t into you, so nasty as their behaviour may have been, it was logical.
Milena’s was anything but!
She clearly did like you, so what happened? What changed to make a woman who thought you were God’s gift in person think so little of you in just a few hours that she couldn’t be bothered to type three words in response to show you the decency of letting you know she wasn’t interested?
And if you were wrong, if she didn’t actually like you when you met, why the fuck did she even give you her number?
We’ve all been there before, but today’s post isn’t a pity party; there’ll be no self-righteous attacking of the Milenas of the world here. What I am going to do, however, is show you how to get women like her to respond so you can avoid such future frustration.
So let’s get cracking.
Firstly, I will tell you why they don’t reply, and then I’ll give you some tried and true solutions to combat this future. OK?
“Yeah, Ciaran, let’s do this!”
Sweet. You ready?
“Ready!”
Here come the pain!
…
So, ignoring situations where women didn’t actually like you, secretly had boyfriends, or basically gave you their numbers to shut you up, the main reason is simply that:
They forgot how amazing you were
Here’s the thing. You likely cared way more about meeting Milena than she did about meeting you. That’s usually the case when men swap numbers with women because the average woman has way more sexual options than the average man. That also means we typically have more of a vested interest in making something happen than they do.
Milena was maybe the second woman to give you the time of day that month, while you’re the second guy who tried to get his tongue under her purple La Senza thong that day. You mean much less to her than she does to you, which is a sad fact.
But wait, there’s more. There’s also the issue of her not remembering and feeling comfortable with you.
“I don’t get that, Ciaran; you need to explain yourself.”
Your wish is my command, meu amigo. Imagine this: You go to a club on a Saturday night, get blind drunk, and wake up with ‘Helga’ saved on your phone the next day. You can’t remember who the fuck she is, but decide to text her anyway because:
“She must have been hot, or else why would I have taken her number?”
Sounds like a plausible thing for most men to do, right?
“Right, Ciaran.”
Right. But the truth is that women don’t think like that. Women are all about comfort, especially regarding new men. So, if she’s having difficulty remembering you, she’ll probably err on the side of caution and not reply.
Loosely put, most women would rather ghost their definite future husband than open the door to their potential future rapist. They need to know:
- You’re safe
- You’re a high-status man
- You make them feel good emotions
The more of those boxes you can tick, the more often you’ll have women eagerly replying the next day instead of ghosting.
“But how can we do that?”
Well, I’ve got two tips for you, so brace yourself.
“I’m braced.”
…
Tip 1 – Spend as much time as possible with her during the initial encounter
Remember what I said. She needs to clearly remember you, know you’re safe, know you make her feel good emotions, and know you have high status. This means the longer you spend with her initially, the more likely she is to think all of the above.
An understandable mistake many men make is leaving interactions as quickly as possible out of fear. We’re terrified of making mistakes and want to get out, take several deep breaths, and regroup to see these women later. We want to get out as fast as possible before we do anything to fuck it all up.
But the fact is that the very second you walk away, the woman you were talking to will start to forget why she liked you. And, the less time you spend together before you leave, the quicker that will happen.
So yes, you want to spend as much time as possible with women you’ve just met before you bounce. Maybe you take them to coffee shops, for dinner, walks, or whatever. Just make sure you give them an excellent chance to get to know and feel comfortable with as well as attracted to you.
Also, as well as being the cocky and funny alpha male, tell them one or two real things about you. Like something you overcame in your past or people you love and care about.
Things like these make you a real person in women’s eyes and not whatever they might fear. Now, of course, life gets in the way, and you might not have much free time to spend with some random woman, and I get it. If that’s the case, all you can do is swap details and hope for the best while knowing there’s a strong chance she’ll ghost.
…
…
Tip 2 – Use callback humour
“Callback humour??? What the hell is that, Ciaran?”
Well, I’m glad you asked, meu irmao. Callback humour is a technique standup comedians use in their sets where they make a joke at one point in the performance and reference it again about 5–10 minutes later.
That’s all it is.
Watch the video above to see an in-depth breakdown of what it looks like, but if you don’t want to do that then a great example is Dave Chappelle’s Killing Them Softly special, where he jokes about the police sprinkling crack on the bodies of dead black men to make them look like criminals, and then 5 minutes later mentions finding a body with crack sprinkled on it.
“Oh yeah, that was freaking hilarious.”
1000%, but why? Well, callback humour works because assuming the initial joke’s actually funny, hearing it a few minutes later in a completely unexpected context can’t not make you laugh again. It’s a technique all comics use, and you should, too, with women you’ve just met.
“But how?”
I’m getting to that, gimme a minute, bro, damn.
“Sorry, I’m just really excited to receive this new information.”
Sem problema, amigo. Sem problema. Eu entendo. So how this applies to you is that when you meet a woman, you’ll take note of whatever you said that she found funny (it’s crucial that she actually did find it funny, or this won’t work) and send it to her as your first text message.
…
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Take these examples for instance
In the above, I was joking with a woman that she had a gaydar, but for bundas (asses) which I called bunda-dar.
She found that hilarious, so when I messaged her, I sent an image of a radar with ‘Bunda-Dar’ on it. She loved it.
…
In this one, I told a woman in person that she had a poker face and started singing Lady Gaga’s song to her. When I messaged her, I found a meme with the lyrics on it and sent that with no words whatsoever. As you can see, she thought it was amazing.
“Ah, I see, I see! I get it!”
I knew you would.
…
Why it works
It works because when you meet a woman (assuming she likes you), she enters a high emotional state. But, once you leave, that state slowly dwindles, and like I said before, she starts to forget how amazing you are. Once again, this is a massive part of why they don’t respond to your messages.
“They’ve forgotten how we made them feel.”
Certo, amigo! Certo!
Callback humour knocks them out of whatever emotional lull they’re in and brings them back to the high they felt with you.
When Misses Bunda-Dar and Poker Face got those messages, they would have been committing random acts, having completely forgotten about those funny moments. Seeing them unexpectedly transported those women right back to how they felt when they were with me, made them laugh again, reminded them of how awesome I am, and had them eagerly reply.
“That’s what I should have done with Milena!”
Sim, sim. isto é verdade. Try it. You’ve got nothing to lose. Tchau for now.
“Ciao, Ciaran!”
Excelsior!
…
Like my writing? Buy me a pizza to support me! Sick of being ghosted and ready for a change? Book a call to see if you’re a fit for my coaching program.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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