Why Some Narcissists Ruin Holidays

One word: Me. Me me me me me. In other words, what about me?

Ah, the holidays. Decorations. Candles. Food and family. Songs. Cookies. Gifts. Magic. What’s not to like? Everything, for some narcissists. But why? And why sabotage fun events? Simply put, because for narcissists, holidays (other than their own birthday) are not solely about them. And narcissists typically hate occasions when they themselves are not the center of attention.

And so, all too often, they will simmer with resentment and do their level best to ruin things for everyone. They’ll complain about gifts they receive and perceived lack of appreciation for those they give. They’ll sulk if they are not the center of attention at gatherings. They’ll pick you (and everything else) apart until all joy is gone. Some will drink too much as a coping strategy, thus exacerbating their bad behavior and dysregulation.

It’s also all too common that the narcissist in the family will instigate fights and conflict, because for this personality type, any sort of attention will do, and a fight once again puts them in the center of things. It can even provide some of the neurotransmitters they crave (see my post on the narcissist and fights).

All of this can be mind-boggling for non-toxic friends, family members, and perhaps especially children, who typically just want to have fun, eat too much, and enjoy each other’s company. Instead, with a narcissist, holidays are often stressful, uncomfortable, and ultimately hugely disappointing.

What to do? As with all things narcissistic, there are no easy answers. The clearest way is also the hardest, which is simply to stop including the narcissist. If it is a parent, grandparent, sibling, other non-nuclear family member or friend (and you are a grown-up), don’t invite them and don’t go to their homes.

This often brings up feelings of guilt and obligation (as well as pushback from the toxic person/people) so I don’t mean to suggest it lightly. But those who have done so generally are amazed at how peaceful and fun the holidays can actually be. One strategy is to start a holiday tradition of taking a trip somewhere fun with your immediate family or partner. This may give you “plausible deniability” about opting out from a larger toxic family system.

If you aren’t ready to call it and make this strict boundary with extended family, or if it is a partner or spouse or family you live with, then I recommend a few things:

ONE: Let go of any expectations that it will be different than it generally is. Steel yourself for what is predictable. Knowing that holidays can actually bring out the worst in narcissists may be a helpful context for you to simply accept what is.

TWO: Create any boundaries you feel you can. This might mean limiting the number of days or hours you or they visit, or how many holiday events you participate in with them.

THREE: Create islands of joy. If your partner is a holiday-ruining narcissist, start a holiday tradition with a friend or friends without them where you can relax and enjoy yourself. Telling them it’s “girls only” or “boys only” or that you just want a one-to-one visit may help you get this time away. If the narcissist is in your extended family, be sure to do things on your own, as a couple, or with just your nuclear family that are fun, low stress, and create good memories.

FOUR: While you are with them, remember, as Dr. Ramani advises, don’t go “D.E.E.P.” This acronym stands for don’t Defend, don’t Engage, don’t Explain and don’t Personalize. Keep it light and avoid topics that set you up for abuse or disappointment as best you can.

For some, the holidays are a wonderful time to celebrate with friends and family. And for others, it’s simply a time to get through. Whatever it is for you, you are not alone.

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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock