Why Stubbornness Is My Survival Mechanism

I admit when I am wrong and am unsure and uncertain in most contexts. I will express that uncertainty in class, and in a lot of spaces where I need to sell myself and “put on a show,” I often fail to rise to the moment, including in some interviews. I am a person juggling a special education teacher in Baltimore during the day and a law student at night. In these spheres, I am always open to feedback on how to improve and do better.

But when I am convinced of my way and the right way to do things, I cannot be deterred and am unreasonably stubborn. Sometimes, I would rather fail and drive myself into the ground, my way, instead of listening to reason. As a marathon runner, my stubbornness will rear its head in my training methods and plans, but it also manifests in other parts of my daily life.

For the past several years, whenever I commute to law school, I often think I know better than the GPS, so I take another route that I think is a hidden gem or secret. I know it is not rational to think I always know better because navigation apps like Google Maps or Waze account for road closures, car accidents, and traffic, but yes, at the moment, I think I know better. It usually is informed by a lot of past experiences having this route beat the GPS by several minutes, and the route being a more pleasurable drive with fewer traffic lights

Recently, I have been late to class a lot more often than I would like. This comes from, as you can expect, thinking I know better than the GPS (and sometimes not leaving as early as I should). All my classes from Monday to Thursday usually start at 5:25 p.m., which is peak traffic when driving from our home to downtown.

However, a few weeks ago, there were a series of underground fires that disrupted electricity and internet in the general area of my law school. I saw it on the news but did not connect the dots on how that could affect the commute of that usual route. With this being downtown during rush hour, suddenly, a commute that took anywhere from 25–30 minutes started to take 45 minutes. For 10–15 minutes, I would only move inches as cones and utility trucks blocked off two lanes of traffic, and there was only one lane that every car and truck funneled into.

The GPS told me to take a less preferred route, one I usually don’t enjoy taking because it has a lot of traffic lights and more starts/stops. Being a stubborn person, I did not listen to the GPS for several days and still tried to take the usual route. I believed the GPS underestimated how long my usual route, as usual, but I did not realize it was simply choosing the faster route with the conditions on the road.

The past week, I have only followed the route the GPS has told me to go, and haven’t been late to class once. Letting go of my stubbornness on the road is a lesson I wish I learned sooner.

. . .

This stubbornness has gotten me in trouble in other spaces, as well. With tunnel vision, I don’t see my own limitations, and I am overreliant on my gut and intuition instead of the data.

According to executive coach Muriel Maignan Wilkins at the Harvard Business Review, signs that you’re being too stubborn include keeping at an idea even when you know you’re wrong, and feeling anger, frustration, and impatience when others try to persuade you of something you don’t agree with. Wilkins emphasizes that being stubborn isn’t always a bad thing, as it indicates someone who is passionate and determined. However, standing your ground for the wrong reasons can set you back instead of pushing you forward.

Personally, stubbornness is a trait I share with my parents. At times, I like to think I am very different and nothing like either of my parents, but despite my stubbornness manifesting itself in a different way due to cultural and generational differences of being an Asian American born and raised in the United States rather than an Asian immigrant, I am still stubborn. While my father was very convinced that being a doctor was the only way for an Asian person to make it in America, I was very convinced that not being a doctor was the only way for me to make it. I have kept being a competitive long-distance runner the last 15 years despite my parents trying to persuade me to move onto more important things, and despite various challenges like injury or periods of plateau or decline in my performances.

It’s not that I am adverse to being wrong. I am wrong all the time. I admit that a lot of political opinions I held even five years ago were wrong according to what I believe now, not to mention opinions I had 10 years ago. As a law student, professors do not shy away from telling me, “no, that’s wrong,” when I give a wrong answer in my legal analysis, and I self-correct right away and appreciate chances to correct holes in my knowledge rather than going down the rabbit hole of the wrong path.

I think the stubbornness comes when I feel an encroachment on my way of life or being told what to do in a way I don’t like (or didn’t ask for). It’s feeling like I can’t make my own decisions or that I am losing agency. Being right or wrong sometimes has something to do with it, but more often than not, being stubborn stems from feeling like I’m losing control over a decision personally important.

About two weeks ago, I went on a trip to California for a friend’s wedding. I flew cheap budget airlines that only gave you a free personal item and no carry-on or checked bag, and there are certain guidelines for how big the personal item can be.

I had to bring a wedding suit, so I obviously could not just stuff the whole suit into a backpack. I decided to stuff a whole suit, my computer, my clothes, running shoes and dress shoes, and all my toiletries into a duffel bag. This was the heaviest duffel bag I have ever carried, but I wanted to not pay the increasingly expensive fee for a checked bag or a carry-on.

My wife tried to talk me into just paying the fee to not stress about whether my personal item was small enough, but I would not listen. When she suggested I not try to just stuff everything into the personal item, I found myself getting upset at her for stifling my independence and personal agency. From an outsider’s perspective, this was ostensibly not a very big deal. I insisted on moving forward with my plan, and I was right — I could fit everything into my personal item of a duffel bag and not pay any fee.

However, it did make my trip a little more difficult. Any time I needed to take my computer out of my duffel bag, I had to sift through a huge pile of clothes. It made my flights significantly more inconvenient, and although I was right about getting through security with the personal item, I was not right in making the trip easier and should have listened.

. . .

Stubbornness will manifest itself in my life in a lot of other ways. As a special education teacher, I run meetings that determine re-evaluations and revisions in students’ individualized educational plans (IEPs) for special education. At IEP meetings, a team makes consensus decisions about changes to a binding legal document that dictates their special education instruction. When I am convinced that something is the right thing to do, like getting a student more extended time, adding a related service of social work or psychological services, or moving a student in a class with more support, I tend to be extremely resolute in my opinion, thinking that everyone that doesn’t agree with me doesn’t care about the student. It isn’t rational, and at the end of the day, I agree with the final decision with fidelity, but at the moment, I advocate far too stubbornly and inadvertently try to guilt other people into doing what I think is the right thing.

As a runner, I am also stubborn in refusing to take people’s feedback, often unsolicited, on how I can improve and what tweaks I can make in my training. I insist on following my own impulsive training plan and doing runs on my terms instead of trying to listen to people who can see the pitfalls of times I am not running enough to meet my goals or doing too many races, or working out too hard. They can see the results of my training from the perspectives of objective outsiders — I cannot, and I think this is natural human psychology, too, that we can be so blinded by tunnel vision when we’re on the inside, living through the moment that we cannot see perspectives of more objective outsiders. It is only months later, with the gift of hindsight, that I realize I was wrong and should have listened all along. A friend can tell me something as simple as “I don’t think you should run 20 miles two days in a row,” which is logical, physiologically sound advice, and I can take offense to the unsolicited advice regardless.

I think about why I can be as stubborn as I am, and yes, a lot of it is my upbringing. My parents are two very forceful people in a very traditional culture. They both had to be incredibly stubborn to deal with each other — if one of them was too passive, the other person felt like they could run them over and make every family decision without the other person’s input, including quite significant ones like where the family would live, how they would spend money, etc.

I defied my parents in not becoming a doctor, becoming a special education teacher and soon-to-be lawyer, in writing the path for my own life instead of having them dictate the terms for me. This is not the way for a traditional Asian American family, as disobedience of what parents want for you is considered heresy in traditional parts of that culture. To be able to forge my own path, I had to be equally as stubborn and resolute in fighting to be able to dictate the terms of my life without my family’s input or control.

So yes, it was a survival mechanism, and there is a deep-seated reason why I personally value agency and independence as much as I do. It allowed me who I am today, and would not have done anything differently in my career and professional choices.

But I do wish it didn’t spill into the very small areas of my life, from how I pack for trips or the route I take to get places. I’m only 27 years old, and I can psychoanalyze myself now and have a lot of self-awareness from a distance. But when I’m in a situation where I’m on the defense, the tunnel vision that comes from taking no feedback and barreling through life on my own terms will have costs.

I’m not sure how I can exactly zoom out and be more willing to listen when I feel the urge to be stubborn and defensive. But I will try, and hopefully, it will make my life and the lives of people around me easier.

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This post was previously published on The Partnered Pen.

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