Why the Communication in Your Marriage Sucks

I talk to couples every single day about their relationships. When I ask them what their biggest struggle is, 9/10 of ten they say, “Communication!”

“We keep having the same fights over and over again.”

“My partner just gets so defensive. We literally can’t talk about anything.”

“We just don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt anymore.”

Most people THINK the solution is to learn new communication skills.

To follow scripts like, “When you do _______, I feel ______.”

But most of the time, tactics like this don’t work…

Because you don’t have a communication skills problem.

Think about it for a second…

Do you have a friend, family member, or coworker in your life with whom you don’t have these “communication problems?”

Is there someone you talk to on the regular that doesn’t take everything you say out of context, or turn everything into an argument?

For most people I talk to, there is.

And if you have someone like that in your life, you probably have all the “skills” you need to be a relatively effective communicator. (Though there’s always room for improvement.)

What most people don’t understand is that effective communication in a relationship is built on a strong foundation.

And if that foundation is weak, you communicate poorly with the other person.

If the foundation is strong, you tend to have an easy time sharing your thoughts and feelings with the other person.

The foundation I’m talking about is your friendship.

When I say the word “friendship” I’m not talking about knowing someone for a long time, or having some shared memories together.

I’m talking about something very specific.

A strong “Foundation of Friendship” consists of 3 pillars:

I know you
I like you
I have your back

I guarantee that if you think of the person with whom you communicate well, all three of these pillars are strong.

And if your communication is struggling in your marriage, one of these pillars is weak.

Let’s break them down for a moment.

I Know You

“I know you,” means I know what you have going on in your life. Your worries, fears, desires, goals, dreams, likes, dislikes, stressors, victories, and defeats…

The reality of marriage is that at the beginning, it’s fun to learn about your partner. They are the source of all this newness, excitement, and intrigue.

But the more time we spend with them, the more comfortable we become… and we lose our curiosity.

Couple that with the fact that life gets busy. Family, work, hobbies, friends, and all the demands that we have on our time makes it really hard to stay tuned-in to our partner’s life.

It’s not uncommon for couples to “drift apart,” then wake up a few years later and realize “we are more like roommates than lovers.”

Here are some signs that your “I Know You” pillar might be weak:

You spend the majority of your time talking about logistics and/or kids instead of connecting, laughin, or flirting
If you had to buy your partner a present that would delight them right now, you’d have no clue what to get them
You can’t think of anything to say on date nights
You can’t name your partner’s best friends
You don’t know what your partner’s #1 stressor is right now
You don’t know what recent accomplishments your partner is proud of

I Like You

“I like you” means I enjoy spending time with you. I think you’re a pretty great human. I see the goodness you add to my life.

When you like your partner, your eyes light up when they walk into the room.

You get excited to spend time with them, or tell them about your day.

You make plans to be together, and you laugh at each others jokes.

When couples have a strong “I Know You” and a strong “I Have Your Back” but a weak “I Like You”, they often say things like, “Let’s stay together for the kids.”

They make a decent team. They have some shared goals. But they don’t spend more time tolerating each other than enjoying each other’s company.

Here are some signs that your “I Like You” pillar is weak:

There’s lots of eye-rolling and exasperated sighs
If you’re kissing, it’s only quick pecks. There aren’t many passionate makeouts.
Date nights are few and far between
You regularly complain about your partner to friends, family, or coworkers
You’ve got some major resentment built up
Your partner gets offended or defensive whenever you bring up an issue or area for improvement

I Have Your Back

“I’ve Got Your Back” is all about trust.

Can I count on you?

Will you follow through on your promises and commitments?

Will you be there when I need you most?

Can I be certain that you won’t take advantage of me?

You can’t have a strong foundation for any relationship without trust. And without trust, you lose any shot at good communication, because you’ll always be second-guessing if what you’re saying or hearing is reliable.

If your “I Have Your Back” is weak:

You say/hear things like, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
You or your partner are emotional time bombs waiting to go off. (You can’t share anything difficult.)
Promises don’t carry any weight or value anymore
You feel lonely in your relationship
Your partner doesn’t respond to, or completely ignores your efforts to connect with them (or vice versa)
There’s lots of eye-rolling, and sarcastic sighing

The difference between you succeeding or failing at navigating really difficult issues in y our marriage has very little to do with your ability to communicate…

But it has everything to do with whether or not the 3 pillars of your friendship are strong.

Now, which of your 3 pillars is weak? And what are you going to do to work on them?