Why the F Do Men Always Come Back?! [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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why do they always come back
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what is this phenomenon
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someone breaks up with you they decide
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they’re no longer interested and then
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you can set your watch to it
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days weeks months later at some point
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you get that text
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so first let’s deal with why they come
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back
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five reasons number one
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they’re horny
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and they’re also selfish if someone is
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coming back just to use you for sex just
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to use you for that hit of validation
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they have to be both horny and selfish
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right it’s a unique pairing of a toxic
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kind they don’t make the calculation
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that what is simply going to be a hit of
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validation for them is going to be
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incredibly jarring or potentially even
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scarring for you and we also know that
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there is a particular kind of intimacy
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and sex that comes after a breakup
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my friend aubry marcus introduced me to
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this phrase reclamation sex which is the
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kind of sex that you have with someone
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to feel like you’re reclaiming them
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after you lost them so what can be
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particularly selfish about someone
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coming back because
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they’re horny and want to hit validation
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or intimacy
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and intimacy is that it can be a
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heightened experience because they’ve
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lost you but that sort of makes it all
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the more selfish doesn’t it that i want
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to come back because it’s exciting to
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have that sex
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but it’s not really with any intention
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it’s just to have
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a heightened experience number two they
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come back because single life ain’t all
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it’s cracked up to be in a relationship
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it’s easy to glorify what we would be
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doing if we weren’t in a relationship or
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who we would be doing if we weren’t in a
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relationship
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we can think about the freedom because
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that’s what it really represents isn’t
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it feeling like oh i really want to get
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with that person or this person or this
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person
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it’s not really
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about that person it usually is
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is a representation of a kind of freedom
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that’s been lost that someone wants to
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exercise
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and
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it’s a fantasy being single
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and trying to get sex as a man
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isn’t easy for a lot of men so a lot of
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men experience that kind of
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uh anti-climax
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so just i’m on fire today with these
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even if a guy is the kind of guy
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for whom sex comes easily and they can
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go and be with whomever they want
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doesn’t change the fact that
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that’s not a recipe for happiness it’s
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not like that worked for him before and
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sometimes when a man is in a
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relationship he loses touch with the
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idea that that didn’t make him happy
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before and it becomes this idea of
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something that if i could only do that
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if i could only hook up with whoever i
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want i would be happy life would be
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great and of course a lot of guys end up
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getting out of a relationship they do
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that and it doesn’t work
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and when it doesn’t work when the shine
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of that fantasy is taken off
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they’re left with the reality that wow
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turns out happiness isn’t easy anywhere
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so if they’ve taken away that variable
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that being single is the thing that’s
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going to make me happy it’s very easy to
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then start to gravitate back
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to the thing that you left in the first
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place which partly leads us to the third
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reason that people come back
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it’s comfortable if
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they are now single and lonely
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it’s comfortable for them to come back
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to you
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to
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reconnect with that validation and that
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good feeling and that
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feeling of home
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that they miss it’s also possible that
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they go out and meet somebody else and
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have their own heart broken
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or experience a kind of denial or
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rejection
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that makes them want to run back to that
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feeling of home run back to that
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feeling of comfort it’s also possible
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that they need to continue being single
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to work through the kinds of
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demons they have about being alone the
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fear they have of being alone with their
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thoughts their emotions
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healing their trauma so that they can be
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a better person in a new relationship
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it’s possible that they go to do that
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work but the work is just too hard and
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too scary and so they come running back
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to the salve the thing that’s going to
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distract them from all of that internal
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work that they have to do
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that’s of course extremely dangerous for
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you because it doesn’t mean they’ve
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actually healed anything it doesn’t mean
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they’ve actually made any progress it’s
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just a kind of snap back motion
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to the path of least
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resistance the fourth reason they come
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back which of course is connected to
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number three he genuinely
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misses you i say connected to the last
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point because it can be hard to
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distinguish sometimes between someone
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really missing you and really missing
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the comfort they get from you and it
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perhaps could be argued what’s the
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difference at a certain point but to be
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a bit more optimistic there is the
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situation where he just genuinely really
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misses you as a human being not just
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what you give him
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not just the comfort you give him or the
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feeling of home but you as a person your
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qualities your traits your personality
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your
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unique energy that he
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has felt the light of in his life
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and he’s scared to lose that energy he
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misses it he’s scared to lose it we
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could almost add that as a separate
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point really the idea that he’s just
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scared to lose you
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to somebody else
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where he’s a gonna be incredibly jealous
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and territorial and
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b
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he loses the opportunity to have you
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back
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so there’s a kind of one leads to the
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other right feeling like you are this
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unique wonderful person who he misses
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gives rise to that territorial
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competitive
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panic
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buying state of then i need to
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make sure that she’s still there i need
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to make sure that i can still reach out
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and touch her that she’s not drifted too
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far for me to get her back and a lot of
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the time when people reaching out
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there’s that that quote in swingers
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isn’t there that you know they always
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seem to know the moment you’re just
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about to get over them the moment you’re
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just about to be fine again they always
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see the ex always seems to know and
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that’s when you get the phone call well
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i think there’s something to that
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there’s something to someone’s instinct
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that you are no longer reaching out to
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them you’re no longer texting them
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you’re no longer calling them you kind
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of do have an instinct that oh they’re
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no longer reaching out to me
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anymore in pain which means that
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day by day
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they must be drifting further and
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therefore it’s just a matter of time
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before
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they end up meeting somebody else and
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then the option to have them back will
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be off the table entirely and i can’t
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have that so
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then a guy rushes back
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not out of genuine intent
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but out of panic which brings us to the
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fifth reason someone comes back
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they have come to the realization that
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you
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genuinely
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are what they want so this is
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the combination of number four they miss
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you
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with the realization that they don’t
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just miss you they don’t just want to
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reach out and touch you and make sure
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that you’re still there and available
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they genuinely
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want you back
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for a real relationship
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to give you what they couldn’t give you
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before now we still have to point out an
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obvious danger with this category
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the danger that
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well firstly
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they have a kind of retrospective
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ignorance
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or forgetting
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of the issues that broke the
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relationship up in the first place in
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other words he is forgetting
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the feeling that he had that made him
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want to run away that will inevitably
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appear again if he hasn’t done any work
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on himself or he’s forgetting the parts
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of you
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that he decided weren’t right for him
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what that were the reason he left and in
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the missing you
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and the distance from you and the
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romanticizing of the relationship he’s
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grown distant from that feeling that
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logic
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so there’s that danger
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and there’s also the danger that he
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can’t deliver there’s the danger that
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though he may genuinely
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believe
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that he wants you back and wants a
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relationship
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that he can’t actually
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deliver on that promise that once it
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gets into it he’s not going to be
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capable of giving you any more than he
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was
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before perhaps because he hasn’t
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actually changed or actually done any
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healing hasn’t actually had any growth
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since
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the two of you parted ways before so
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these five things give rise to the
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question what do you do if someone tries
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to come back should you take them back
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how do you know the difference between
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whether they’re horny
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just not liking single life just want
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comfort just miss you or want a genuine
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relationship and even if they want a
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genuine genuine relationship with you
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how do you know they can actually
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deliver on that without getting your
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heart broken again so if you are going
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to let someone back into your life
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follow these three principles
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number one
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let them back in
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slowly and don’t in the process update
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your perception of who they are
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or what they’re capable of
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too
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quickly number two
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look for evidence of change
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over proclamations of desire they may
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feel strongly that they want you back
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but that does not mean they have changed
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and real change can only be measured in
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actions over time
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it cannot be measured on the day someone
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wants you back and number three
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set a new standard
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for what you need from them in order to
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even
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entertain letting them back into your
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life and whatever that standard is of
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what you need needs to be communicated
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to them in a way where they confirm that
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they’ve heard and understood it
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and confirmed that they are willing to
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live to that standard that not only
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raises your value
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but it gives you your exit strategy if
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at any point
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this person isn’t living to that
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standard now let me be clear
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the only way
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for you to actually do the three things
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i just mentioned
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is by making sure that they are
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underpinned by a genuine level of
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confidence in you if that isn’t there
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then these standards will disintegrate
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as soon as he tests them now the only
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way to have that confidence is to not
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need this person when they come back you
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may want them and the fact that you’re
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even willing to entertain letting them
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back in is evidence of the fact that you
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want them and you want to see where the
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relationship goes but you can’t need
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them that means that you and your life
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have to be in this robust and sturdy
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place
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so that when someone comes back to you
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they can see it in your eyes and hear it
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in your voice that you are serious about
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this new standard and if it isn’t met
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it’s game over now if you want to get
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your confidence in your life to a place
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that means you don’t need this person
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i have something for you three habits
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that if you follow them
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will build your life and build your
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confidence
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and they are all in a free guide that i
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have for you over at three secrets to
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love dot com
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go download it now make sure
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whatever else you do
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you follow this guide so that you can
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build up a life that allows you to say
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no because only
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when you’re capable of saying no
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can you say yes
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in the right way
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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