How do you react to these experiences? You don’t have to answer. Just think about it.
Watch this. Consider these situations.
1. Hands brush.
2. Guy standing in shower staring into nothing.
3. Guy sits in the next seat in the movie theater.
4. Guys takes next urinal in the gents.
5. Inseam measurement.
(We’re skipping the jar, the speedo, the dong, and the prostate exam. Unless you want to go there.)
What’s the common denominator that generally makes guys uncomfortable about these?
Someone might think they’re gay (when they’re not). Someone might try to sneak a peek at their junk. Someone might try to hit on them.
What’s the cardinal rule?
Protect the jewels. Protect the hetero.
Now, I’ll grant that there are a number of guys – and I’m not going to derail this into an argument over statistics and reports – but there are guys who are survivors of sexual abuse or violence that may be very uncomfortable in these situations because they are triggering.
I’m talking about the guys who reflexively tense up at the possibility that another guy might “look” at them, and that if someone else sees that and the guy lets it go, well, what are they going to think? We’ve been around plenty of those conversations where a guy starts calling their buddy a f-g or h— because of a slip from heteromale social norms.
And even if no one sees it, if a man’s been conditioned to believe that only f-gs like that (and if you let it happen, well, you must have liked it), he’s probably going to be a little twitchy, even if the guys standing up next to him is only interested in getting the heck out…especially when he realizes that he has violated the most sacred of Bro Bathroom Rules.
Now, you may have gotten beyond this. Maybe you watched this and are dying to comment, “Why is this such a big deal? No one gets upset by this stuff! Stereotypes, old tired tropes, stop reinforcing this. Men don’t do this.”
Then ask yourself: if you consciously don’t take the next urinal or the next seat, if you wonder what the deal is with the guy who does these, if you consciously move away from your friend if your hands brush, if you look everywhere but down when your inseam is being done, why?
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1. Hands brush. – not something that bothers me. 2. Guy standing in shower staring into nothing. – I’m not paying any attention to the other guys in the shower so again nothing that bothers me. 3. Guy sits in the next seat in the movie theater. – I like my space. If there are a lot of empty seats, I’d expect a man or woman to put some distance between us. 4. Guys takes next urinal in the gents. – It depends on whether there are other open urinals that aren’t adjacent to any that are used. There’s a… Read more »
It just occured to me that homophobia is not the only reason why men feel uncomfortable around each other at the urinal or in the gym shower. I could also sometimes be that we are afraid we might find out that most others have a bigger penis than us. 😉
1. Hands brush. – Doesn’t bother me at all, it’s a brush. 2. Guy standing in shower staring into nothing. – Nothing like zoning out. I don’t pay much attention to anyone in the showers. 3. Guy sits in the next seat in the movie theater. – It would bother me if there were a lot of empty seats. I like my space so it wouldn’t matter if it were a guy or a gal. When I’ve gone to the movies with my adult son as well as my buddies, I want space and if I can get a seat… Read more »
Oh, you didn’t mention the “hug.” I just finished a 2 day men’s retreat. I lost count of the number of hugs in the two days. Some hugs included men crying. Virtually every man who gave witness at some point during their talk broke down.