Have you ever heard yourself saying things like:
“Why can’t she just see how irrational she is being?”
“Why won’t she just tell me exactly what she wants?”
“She has no clue how hurtful she is being – how could she do that to me?”
“Why can’t she love me the way I think she should love me!”
These statements are pretty good indicators that you’re making a common mistake many men make.
She is not your equal.
And by expecting her to be your equal you are setting yourself up for misery.
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The Mistake of Expecting “Equalness”
Let’s clear up an obvious concern. I’m not talking about equality.
There is absolutely no debate about the equality of any two people on earth.
Her personal experience at every stage of her growth is different. Her parental, social and societal programming is different.
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I’m referring to equalness as the notion of sameness. While we are clearly equal – we are NOT the same.
As Alison Armstrong tries to teach women that “men are not just hairy women”…I try to teach men that women are not just men with boobs.
And it’s not just gender differences at play.
I explain to my clients how every single life experience she has had as a young girl and woman has created a perspective nothing like ours. Her personal experience at every stage of her growth is different. Her parental, social and societal programming is different.
While we are equal we are not the same in how we process facts, thoughts or emotions.
The only logical approach in a relationship with her is to choose to understand her.
But instead, we make the mistake of trying to either compete with her or fix her “faulty” programming.
When I’m working with a frustrated man who can’t connect with a woman, I usually find him trying to understand the problem from one narrow perspective – his. He tries to run everything she says or does through his filter of how people should work.
He thinks she “should” be different. She “should” see things his way. She “should” react a certain way.
And nobody likes to be “should” on.
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The Downward Spiral Begins
Here’s the big problem that comes next.
When we try to hold someone else accountable for being something they are not they will move away from us.
The direct or implied pressure of judgment, expectation and disappointment is too much to bear. The only direction they can move is AWAY.
This feels to us like distancing, coldness, anger, resentment, detachment and disrespect.
By continuing to impose your rules for how she should view the world, how she should think and how she should feel you will only create more distance and emotional danger.
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The most devastating emotion we feel is rejection which actually registers as physical pain.
Nothing good happens from here.
Next comes our feelings of shame, desperation, anger and resentment. We respond with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – Gottman’s Four Horseman of the Apocolypse.
I think you know how the rest of the story goes from here. Not well.
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The Solution
The solution is to first realize what you’re doing and why.
The next step is to choose to change your perspective. She is not the same as you are and never will be.
The competitive instinct to defend your feelings and “win” every disagreement comes from an adolescent mindset – from fear.
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By continuing to impose your rules for how she should view the world, how she should think and how she should feel you will only create more distance and emotional danger.
You need to achieve a state of emotional security, confidence and independence that allows you to detach from needing to be right. The competitive instinct to defend your feelings and “win” every disagreement comes from an adolescent mindset – from fear.
It is virtually impossible for man to achieve the necessary emotional maturity, intellectual clarity and spiritual gumption he needs from an adolescent mindset. Sean Stephenson, a 3 foot tall powerhouse of a man, taught me 3 words that form the foundation of healthy masculinity.
Those words are: CALM, DELIBERATE, and PLEASED.
When a man decides to do the work to become naturally calm, instinctively deliberate and pleased with who he is…nothing rattles him much.
He sees conflict as opportunity. Differences with women become curiosities. Emotional triggers become a sign for something new to learn.
He learns to accept others for who they are without the need to change them or win an argument. He is crystal clear in what he values and what he expects from himself and for himself.
It’s like a new operating system.
This isn’t a Zen thing.
It’s simply becoming the man you want to be.
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If you’re a man who is ready to upgrade your operating system and feel calm, deliberate and pleased, I wrote this ebook just for you. I think it will give you a perspective you’ve been waiting for. Download The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage HERE.
Photo: Amor&Sexo/Flickr
Great column … as usual. You should know that I took an excerpt of it (properly attributed of course) and posted it as the main section on my Match.com profile. On OKC, POF, and Zoosk I also either use an excerpt from your columns or mention them. Interesting since I started doing this a few days ago, I’m getting way more hits from men. They never mention what your column says – they just tell me what a great profile. Obviously the men of America feel misunderstood … I have to laugh of course, because the only way I’m getting… Read more »
Men: Submit, obey, comply,
“damned if you do and damned if you don’t” comes to mind.
Best part of this is these days, This behavior is more directed at men. We are to accept the Feminine viewpoint is the correct perspective and our own masculine viewpoint is irreverent. Sadly whenever a guy does acquiesce it signals the death knell of his relationship
You have that right. If you look at the countless articles across the board, not just at GMP, what you’ll find is that how a man should look and feel is often based upon how women view them. He’s too rugged, he’s not emotional enough etc. etc. etc … Men these days are being pushed in many different directions and are losing sight of who they are as “men.” They don’t know if they should wipe their nose or blow their ass.