There’s a silent killer among men today that far too often stems from our directive to “man up.”
The harsh reality is that while women tend to have more suicidal thoughts, men are far more likely to die by suicide and it’s a trend across many parts of the World. Why is this?
I believe the answer is in our archaic idea of what it means to “man up”. Growing up I was taught that manning up means
don’t cry
don’t talk about your feelings
don’t acknowledge your emotions
Three things that women are more likely to feel free to practice and utilize often.
Three coping mechanisms that allow us to express the intense thoughts and emotions that can build up through stress and so many factors.
Three simple skills that men have not been taught early on in life because of this story about what a man is and what it means to “man up.” The lack of that outlet means we have men walking around as pressure cookers about to blow, unable to properly handle the stresses, anxieties, and intense emotions that come with life.
We have men (including myself years ago) who are silently struggling, unsure, and seemingly unable to open up and let out what they’ve been holding onto for so long. All they have to hold onto is the hope that this theory of manning up will end up serving them at some point.
It won’t.
I urge you to let go. Let go of the story you’ve been told.
Allow yourself to cry without feeling shame, reach out to someone you trust and have a real conversation about what you’re going through, and own up to the emotions you’re feeling.
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I believe that as men, we need to redefine what it means to “man up.” The phrase is meant to be a symbol and reminder of bravery, courage, strength—true manliness. Yet, one of the strongest things we can do for ourselves and others is to be vulnerable.
Not to close off and disconnect, but open up and work through the intensity of it all.
To push through, knowing that through the pain there is healing and growth, rather than giving into our fears and allowing ourselves to continue suffering alone.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling in some way—man up. Allow yourself to cry without feeling shame, reach out to someone you trust and have a real conversation about what you’re going through, and own up to the emotions you’re feeling.
If you find that you do not have the words to express what you’re thinking or feeling, you can use photography as a tool to help in your process. Find your way, do it and then lead to help others redefine what it means to man up. Together, let’s change the story of what it means to be a man.
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Photo: Getty Images
Why can’t we just ban it like bossy? Shouldn’t we value our boys? When it comes to girls, we need to do something. We need to change our behavior. When it comes to boys, well they just need to change their understanding. Why is there not a woman up? It’s because society believes that there is an inherent value in women. Men have to earn their place in society. If he’s taking up too many societal resources by asking for help, then he’s disposable. Society needs to come to the realization that men have inherent value and they have a… Read more »
That’s pretty outstanding, John.
As Mother’s we have a responsibility to teach our children to recognise their feelings and to choose safe ways to express them. I work as a therapist in mental health, and what I see is many distressed individuals who get stuck in knowing what and how to label feelings. If we explain the unique humanness in being able to emotionally and physically react, and the biology behind it, and safe ways of communicating emotion then we are on our way to heal. I love working with people and assisting in learning not to be afraid of feelings or people’s approval/disapproval.… Read more »
Not sure who is still saying it, or why, but you are correct. We need to move past this notion that men do not weep. or should not. It is fallacy. Throughout my life I have been associated with what we consider to be rugged men. I’ve been by their side when every last one of them have done so. No one cares anymore. In actuality, I’ve seen people rush to comfort. We are not as emotional as women (on average), but that does not translate to unemotional. No shame, fellas. If you need to let it go, let it… Read more »
Great topic.
I think it also important to put your hand up and ask for help. That can be challenging for some men in my experience.
In my experiences “man up” included showing vulnerability but what’s often left out of these discussions is that men are more discerning as to when and where we show that vulnerability. I’ve yet met a man who hasn’t in some way shape or form encourage other men to “let it out.” I managed to get through my brothers wake without a moment, that was until the family had their final viewing before they closed the casket, at which point I completely fell apart. I managed to hold it together from the moment I saw my daughter in her wedding gown,… Read more »
Tom, although we have never met I feel that I know you. Have always enjoyed your thoughtful and wise postings.
Sorry to hear about your recent difficulties.
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. Only time will tell.
Well said, Tom.
I have never met a man who had difficulty expressing feelings of vulnerability. I was never raised to hide such feelings and I’m at a loss as to understand why anyone would ever get the impression that men in general are raised not to express such feelings. The problem is not that man don’t know how to express feelings of vulnerability, or that we are some how unable or uneducated how to do so. The problem is the very negative (often hostile) reaction we get from others (men AND women) when we do express vulnerability. Men who express vulnerability are… Read more »
Exactly. I certainly have no difficulty expressing how I feel. I fill the modern equivalent of a journal (text files in a heavily encrypted volume on my PC) with at least 50 thousand words a year, describing all my demons. I’m lucky. I can share some of it with a couple extremely close friends on occasion, and get it out that way. But generally, no bloody way. Any conversation like this had better happen behind closed and locked doors, in a properly sound insulated room. The amount of respect I’ve lost, generally out there in the world, for showing any… Read more »
Xactly, Anthony. This is all common sense advice, but we, for the most part, made this change back in the 80s and 90s, when women broke us free from the work life of our dads. That’s when men started to live I think. Guys were flocking to Bly, getting in touch with their wild man, or whatever. Not sure how that all went exactly, but I know that I have a huge circle of male friends, and every one of us where the dad that people say we need to be today. I’m thinking that its society, that needs to… Read more »
Well stated Anthony.
Well stated John although I I have never heard the words “man baby” or “man child.”
What John said.
Why do we keep encouraging men to express their feelings, as long as they’re contiuously met with indifference or even hostility when they do?