Over the last few weeks, there has been a trending topic across my writing platforms. It seems every writer and their ghostwriter have started talking about why women no longer find it beneficial to be married.
Are you fucking serious? Is this a real fucking question? I can’t even. How godd-
Ok, allow me to explain one more time…
I genuinely thought people already knew. My bad. Allow me to grab my whiteboard so that I may do some of that Bitchface thing that I do and break it down to the very basics.
Nasty bitches in the back row, take some notes. It’s getting technical.
Listen, guys (not my guys here, y’all are the fucking shit), guys out there in the *real world*. How can I say this without sounding as though I dislike y’all as a unit?
I can’t. There’s just no fucking possible way. So, instead I’ll say it the way it should have been said to y’all years ago.
Y’all fucking suck. You act like huge fucking babies, with your weaponized incompetence, and your “babysitting” your own fucking children, and your “oh my wife works 45 hours a week to my 30, but it’s a woman’s job to cook and clean”.
I really just think your whole fucking program is garbage. Like, y’all need a new PR team, some specialized training, a backstage makeover in the hour it takes for women to realize y’all are just absolute fucking overall trash. There isn’t any other way to explain it properly.
American Women of the 50’s
Today I read a column from a Peruvian woman who is now an American citizen. She spoke of all of these dickhead “I’m into traditional roles” American men who would show up down there, looking for women “untainted by feminism”. One man in particular stood out to her as he stated, “Peruvian women are the American women of the 50’s”.
I asked her if she spat at him at that point, and she said she was too shocked to do much of anything except clutch her pearls.
For those “traditionalists”, I say this: Kindly find a quiet corner of this column and f*ck yourself.
I know that it was nice when your wife had to put up with you screwing your secretary, and coming home and cracking a beer and parking your ass in front of the television after leering at your neighbors’ tits and hitting your kids, but here is a news flash: you were a horrible husband then, and you’re still a horrible husband now.
Yes, women had to put up with a lot of your shit back then. Well, I mean, either that or fucking starve. But now, see now we have an education. And jobs. And birth control. And we really don’t have time for your fuckery, Mr. Johnson. You or that poor 20-year-old girl you sexually harassed to the point of assault so she could keep her job. You pervert.
If you aren’t washing dishes 3 nights a week, doing at least 40% of the childcare, and working as many hours as your wife, you can fuck off. Trust me, dude, she can find a guy who will. There is no shortage of millennials, and believe me baby, they aren’t just good for eating ass. They listen to understand, sir. That’s where you falter.
Please, continue not lifting a finger around the house, and pretending you can’t change a diaper, and sitting on the fucking Xbox for 30 hours at a time. Just don’t sit there gasping and woe is me’ing when your wife finds herself a superhot 20 something guy who isn’t afraid to come home from the job, cook a meal, and rub your wife’s tired, aching feet.
It’s coming your way, sir. I can hear the tires on the paved road.
So, if you were wondering, this is the reason that women don’t want to be married to you. You’re an abacus, and we’re looking for a Texas Instrument, you dig? Buck up, cupcake. It’s going to be a lonely ass existence when you’re looking for someone to grab your next beer, and you realize wifey chucked that apron and took off with the IT guy from the job.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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This post was previously published on April Hawkins, Ask A Bitchface.
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