Why Women Ghost and How to Handle It Like a Pro

I was 29 years old. I constantly struggled with dating. I went on dates but never got a second one. I unknowingly made common mistakes most guys in my situation make — like talking too much about myself, texting obsessively, or showing a lack of ambition and so on.

I remember the first day I got ghosted, it was a Saturday, when I met Lauren, at a friend’s game night. Lauren was everything my dream girl- obviously beautiful, witty, confident and down-to-earth.

When we met, we ended up talking for hours. And we had many things in common, and had some obvious bonds like love of sci-fi movies, and romantic novels. We also shared some hilarious

stories like the disastrous story about her attempt at Yoga, while I also shared an enjoyable story of my first day at the swimming pool. It was an interesting time out and at the end of the night, I thought we’d hit it off.

The next day, texted her to thank her for the wonderful time spent with her, and ask if she would like to grab a coffee sometime. She almost immediately replied, “Definitely, but this week is hectic, I’ll let you know when I’m free.

The Waiting Game

At first I was making excuses for her because at least people can be busy. Right? But days turned to weeks, then I started second guessing, different thoughts started springing into my mind. Different questions were just popping into my mind- did I come on too strong? Was it my dressing? Did I say anything that put her off?

I scrolled through our text messages and conversations repeatedly and tried to remember how the night went. Trying to figure out where things went wrong. I couldn’t pinpoint anything. It was really maddening.

I felt dismissive when my friends told me to forget about her and move on. How could I just forget her without knowing what happened?

The Spiral

The worst part of being ghosted is the feeling of uncertainty and the different thoughts that would be going through one’s mind. If she wasn’t interested, why did she lead me on? If she’s not interested, why didn’t she just say so? For me, it felt unfair and I didn’t even have the chance to understand what went wrong.

I became obsessed with finding answers to the different questions springing up in my mind. I googled different articles on “why do ladies ghost?” And read countless of them. Some of them said it was because they weren’t interested and didn’t want to hurt your feelings or it was about their own emotional issues like fear of confrontation or avoiding commitment.

Reading those articles should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I still couldn’t shake off the nagging thoughts. What if it’s really me? Why is this constantly happening to me?

The Turning Point

One night, after hours of thinking, I realized something Lauren ghosting me wasn’t about me at all, the same as the other ladies that ghosted me in the past, maybe they didn’t feel the connection I thought we had. But that didn’t make me unworthy or unlikable.

So, I decided to take control, instead of waiting for closure from someone, I gave it to myself. Then I decided to send Lauren a final text:

“Hey Lauren, I noticed you’ve gone quiet. If you’re not interested, that’s totally fine — just wanted to say thanks for a great time and wish you all the best in life.”

Guess what? She replied!

“Hey, sorry for going MIA. You’re awesome. But I don’t think we’re a match, I can’t feel the spark. I didn’t just know how to say it, I’m sorry IF I hurt you.”

I won’t lie-it stung. But I felt a great sense of relief too. For the first time, I saw ghosting as what it really is: Someone else’s inability to communicate, not a reflection of my worth.

What I Learned

The numerous ghosting experiences I had taught me different lessons and how to handle it:

1.It’s NOT about You.

Most of the time when ghosting happens. It’s not about you. It’s usually because the spark or the energy level doesn’t match or because the other person isn’t interested or emotionally ready and they can’t communicate. It’s not usually about you being lacking.

2. Don’t Wait for Closure

Most of the time when someone ghosts you, you will never find answers to the “why” questions. But that’s okay, do not let that affect your self esteem or self worth. Your value shouldn’t depend on their explanation.

3. You may Send a Respectful Message

If you want closure, then it’s okay to send a respectful and polite message. But don’t expect a response, expecting a response can make you feel worse if you don’t get it.

Just send the message for yourself, don’t do it for them.

4. Move Forward NOT Backward

Every dating experience is to learn, to make you a better person than you were and to eventually prepare you for your future partner and be as perfect as possible.

For this reason instead of worrying or struggling because of what didn’t work, focus on what you will do better or differently next time.

5. Recognize the Red Flag Early

Sometimes, ghosting is usually unexpected. If you notice someone is not consistent in their communication or avoids deeper conversation, it might be a sign they are not emotionally available. Learning to spot the red flag early can save you from investing or expecting too much from a wrong person.

In Conclusion

After that I moved on and started approaching dating with a different mindset. I stopped taking ghosting personally and began setting better expectations. Not every dating or dating attempt will lead to something serious.

In fact I prefer being ghosted by a lady that’s likely to constitute problem or regret for me in the future, the earlier we both figure out there’s disparity in value, the better for both of us, instead of expending our time and energy in a wasteful adventure.

So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling with ghosting, trust me, you will survive. Focus on yourself, your growth and your worth. The people meant to stay in your life won’t need to be chased — they’ll choose to stay.

I highly recommend you download my free resource that helps you build stronger connections and understanding with women, click here to have access today.

Thanks for reading…❤️

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***