This is for all those men who think their marriage is just fine…
Divorce statistics hover between 50% and 73% (from first to third marriages).
But, did you know that women are more likely than men to initiate divorce?
Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University, examined data from Stanford’s 2009-2015 “How Couples Meet and Stay Together” project, a nationally representative longitudinal study of relationships and breakups.* While breakups between unmarried couples were gender neutral — men were just as likely as women to initiate them — when it came to divorce, Rosenfeld found that wives initiated 69 percent of splits, compared to 31 percent of men. **
This matches my professional experience in the relationship field as well.
I was invited once to a women’s group as a guest. There were six of us. We had gathered to support each other. After hugs and snacks, we arranged ourselves in a circle.
As we checked in, it turned out that every woman except me was in the process of divorce.They were leaving their men.They were fed up.
Why?
They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy.
Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long.
They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years.
Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too much time.
They talked about how their men didn’t take responsibility, were defensive, blaming and critical. They said their men were resistant to looking at themselves, to growing and learning anything new. They said their men were cut off from their emotions and unavailable for deep connection. They agreed that their men did not take their concerns seriously and were not interested in creating solutions.
Each woman in turn said they felt powerless to affect change. They were unhappy in their relationships, and married to men who weren’t willing to work to improve their marriage.
So, what to do?
These women did what many self-respecting, dissatisfied, frustrated women do. They left their men in search of connection and intimacy elsewhere.
Huffington Post printed an article on August 3, 2016, by Brittany Wong, a divorce editor, detailing six reasons why women leave their marriages.
- Women feel taken for granted and overly responsible for the relationship.
- They keep having the same argument with their partner.
- They’re not satisfied with their sex lives.
- They don’t talk and emotionally connect with their husband like they used to.
- They’ve outgrown their partners.
- They get to the point where divorce is the only way to put themselves first again.
Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.
But many men miss the clues that their wife is unhappy and on the verge of calling it quits. A friend of ours, Machen, shared his experience,
I didn’t realize my marriage was in trouble until my wife said, ‘You are moving out – today!!’ In retrospect, I could see that she had tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy, but I hadn’t been listening.
Luckily for Machen, he and his wife worked on their marriage after they separated, attended our LoveWorks trainings, and reunited.
Most men are not that fortunate. They reach out for relationship support when it is too late, when their wife is already out the door and unwilling to work on their marriage.
Our message to you?
Don’t wait to get help!
Rekindle the love and passion in your relationship now before it is too late!
Here are some warning signs that your relationship or marriage is in trouble:
- You feel annoyed by your wife’s requests or demands for relationship help
- You don’t have much intimacy in your relationship
- Your sex is non-existent, predictable or boring
- You fight about the same things over and over again
- Your wife doesn’t talk to you about herself and her life
- You don’t make time, or look forward to spending time, together
Now we know that men are not intentionally inconsiderate and selfish. And it is not that they don’t care about their marriages and relationships! They just never learned about women, about how to treat a woman and how to make a woman happy.
In fact, most men, if you talk to them and really listen, are working REALLY HARD to make women happy, and feel like they just can’t win no matter what they do! Sadly, they end up working their butts off at all the wrong things, doing what their partner actually needs.
This quote sums it up:
|
It is EASY to satisfy a woman. If a man treats a woman right, he gets all the freedom, sex, appreciation and love he wants.
|
To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and crossed the widest desert. But she left him – he was never home.
Here is the kicker …
It is EASY to satisfy a woman. If a man treats a woman right, he gets all the freedom, sex, appreciation and love he wants. And when she is happy, when she is filled up emotionally, she ain’t going anywhere!!
Most men just don’t take the time to learn…
Listen.
If you aren’t having sex, if you are fighting all the time, if you are living in silence, or you are living like roommates dealing with logistics …
You have a BIG problem.
Men, don’t wait until your woman is fed up and walking out the door. Take the time to learn how to make your relationship hum like a well-oiled machine. You will be amazed at how easy it is…
And women, don’t assume he knows how unhappy you are. He might be like Machen and simply not know.
We can help. We can share with you our life-changing tips, and tell you what to do that has saved and improved lots of marriages and relationships.
The free RISC (Relationship, Intimacy, Sex & Communications) Challenge is available for Instant Viewing with Registration at our site.
In the meantime, a few tips for you men:
- Express appreciation for what she does
- Ask her what you can do for her to please her
- Make eye contact and really listen to her when she talks
- Tell her she’s beautiful
- Ask her if she is happy in the marriage or if she ever wonders if the two of you would benefit from relationship support?
- Better still, YOU initiate something for your relationship. Buy a book, sign you up for a course. Show her, don’t just tell her, that you care about your relationship.
And a few tips for you women:
- Tell him how wonderful you feel when he gives you attention
- Express appreciation for what he does that really works for you
- Notice where he works hard to provide for you, the home, and family and thank him for that
- Ask him what he would need from you to be willing to work on the relationship together? To attend a relationship training or coaching session?
- Be affectionate, touch, have sex. In short, love him.
There’s a lot you can do to mend your love and make your marriage sing!
* http://data.stanford.edu/hcmst
**http://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/savvy/documents/press/pdfs/AM_2015_Rosenfeld_News_Release
So many women that are very unfaithful nowadays more than ever since they like sleeping around with so many different men all the time every chance that they get since they just Can’t stay with only one man anymore today. And now most women like to party all the time and get wasted since they like hanging out more with their single friends as well.
Why women initiate divorce more than men, yet for relationship breakups the statistics is equal? The reason is simple, family courts don’t treat men and women equally, and usually women get more. More child custody, alimony, etc. Women come out ahead. In states with gender equal laws divorce tends to be initiated equally by men and women, statistics shows. Courts don’t require businenesses that fire you to pay you lifetime salary. Reform the laws. People in relationships are grownups, one person is not responsible to pay the other person a lifetime salary just because they happened to live together a… Read more »
You cite the divorce statistics and the fact that women bring for most divorces. Then you cite the bullshit reasons for getting a divorce. . No domestic violence alcoholism or drug addiction but petty bullshit. Obviously women don’t know the meaning of the word commitment, what man in his right mind would get married now days?
So all of the women you spoke to all said this same exact thing? Seems like you’re painting with a pretty broad brush.
Well after all there are certainly much more gay women today which it has a lot to do with it as well. So really no surprise to me at all.
What do you do when the opposite of this is true? When quite the reverse is true of stereotypical gender roles?
This entire website is based around gender stereotypes and pretty void of any nuance whatsoever.
Bullshit. American women are an unhappy lot. They like to complain even when things are going great. They withhold sex and use it as a weapon. Then they wonder why their husbands chase other women. If something happens and I find myself single I will never marry again. I’ll be up front about it, but as soon as sex happens less than once a week I’ll be out the door. I signed up for monogamy, not celibacy.
The number one cause of divorce in America I female harshness. The number two cause of divorce is men not heading the advice of their woman. That happens when we tune them out because they are so harsh.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/3-ways-i-committed-to-supporting-my-husband-and-how-i-benefitted-as-much-or-more-than-he-did-dg/
This woman “get’s it.”
Thanks GMP.
Sonia is a man hater who thinks women do all the work. She is absurd.
Subtitle: “This is for all those men who think their marriage is just fine…”
Because men, don’t ever for a second delude yourself that your wife is happy and satisfied in your company.
Really begs the question WHY you bother getting married in the first place?
Hi Sonia This thread is a good one. I can see it is coming to and end soon. Let me just ask you one question. “At least 66% percent of divorced couples in America are childless.” http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorce.factors.html Let’s assume that this is correct data. It means only 37% of all divorces are couples with children. Still in comments about divorce from men living in America it is often (always) about how women are favored in divorce, because she is woman and mother. Where are the voice of men in childless marriage in debate about divorce? They are after all the… Read more »
Hello Iben, Great observations! You went deeper and got behind the numbers. Seeing the BIG picture is important. Here are some more things…most divorces in America are from “low conflict” marriages. Meaning marriages where there is very little arguing, fighting, etc. It’s where simple boredom etc has set in.. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/04/AR2005110402304.html However, where children are involved, they tend to be more difficult on those children. Another thing…when we look at income strata, we see that the divorce rate for the top 20% of households by income is less than 30%! http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm To answer your question, my guess is that they are… Read more »
Maybe we all should me more aware of all the factors that predict high chance of divorce just like we have knowledge about what happens with our health if we live a certain way.
We should stop saying the chance of divorce is 50% and know it differs greatly .
Hi Jules
Thank you for giving me something interesting to read:).
Women initiate the divorce in the majority of the cases.
Why?
Some will find this article disturbing .
Written by Gottman in 1992,maybe it is too old .
” The husband’s disappointment with marriage was the most potent predictor of divorce.
…….
The husbands actions ….specifically a tendency to withdraw – were most predictive of divorce.
The tendency of husbands to stonewall was also related to the development of health problems in the wives.”
Gottman wrote this in 1992 and maybe it is still the truth in 2016?
……
The findings of Gottman were profound to me when I first read them, and I saw exactly that with my wife’s first husband. I’ve postulated that although, statistically, women initiate most divorces (baring the bad boy scenario that I previously spoke of), is it really the men that have checked out well before then in an almost passive aggressive manner, thus driving her to the level of frustration high enough to initiate the divorce. As Gottman stated, (stealing your quotes here, Iben), “The husband’s disappointment with marriage was the most potent predictor of divorce. The husband’s actions ….specifically a tendency… Read more »
http://www.nytimes.com/1992/08/11/science/to-predict-divorce-ask-125-questions.html
Great advice. Reading this shows me where my past relationships have failed and how to strive to be better. Thank you.
I want to applaud you for taking the time to answer everyone’s comments on your piece. I think most of us here really appreciate that very much. I would like to revisit your Tips for Men and Tips for Women, if I may. I think they highlight key differences in how men and women view priorities, needs, and the danger(s) of one sex speaking on behalf of the other. A few tips for you men: *Express appreciation for what she does *Ask her what you can do for her to please her *Make eye contact and really listen to her… Read more »
Hi Jules,
Good catch about the difference in “conditionality” between the two sets of tips. Thank you! 🙂
Well this has been interesting. I’m writing this as the woman who left a relationship after 32 years. What I’ve seen from the comments below is that my remaining single is probably a good idea. My H and I went to counseling. Turns out we heard two different things. The counselor and I were operating on the same wave-link…H chose the counselor BTW; but H only believed that I was the problem and the counseling “fixed me”. Guess not. What I’ve seen from most of the comments below is that it was probably my fault. I wanted him to quit… Read more »
How great your dream of being with someone who is sober, helpful, communicative and willing to improve his relationship with you and family. Marriage prognosis is certainly vastly improved when both people are willing to do the work required. As we all know, not everyone is up for that particular life path. Blessings on your journey!
Regarding the Huff-Post six reasons why women leave their marriages… When I talk to my (male) friends who are dissatisfied or outright unhappy in their relationships, the most common reasons seems to be the following: 1. Men often feel neglected, and the effort they put into the relationship feel taken for granted. 2. They keep having the same argument with their partner. 3. They are not satisfied with their sex life. 4. They have stopped talking and try to emotionally connect with their wife, because they feel shut out and their needs and ambitions are dismissed, neglected or ridiculed. 5.… Read more »
Thank you for sharing this list! Great contribution to the conversation. Will use. Thank you!
I decided that I just don’t feel like doing all that work. Instead, I married a woman who likes me just the way I am. We’re still married.
Reminds me of something I read several years ago that I believe was called The “frog” syndrome. Basically it said that women marry their prince and then turn them into frogs.
Yea, women turn princes into frogs and men turn princesses into bitches. We help couples turn themselves back into princes and princesses, or better said, we help them see and bring out the best in each other again.
All the complaints are all the reasons they were attracted to him, so exciting during the dating process. This is what happens when the bad boy settles down. Guy didn’t suddenly change. The dating process, what women look for in dating sets up this failure.
I know. I did the same thing many women do, ended up divorced, and have been studying this phenom, speaking to men and women for years and years.
All the criteria changed second time around. I did not try to “win” her, or please her, but evaluated her. Second time around I chose wisely.
“this is what happens when the bad boys settle down.”
I am not so sure that most women that initiate divorce are the ones that married bad boys. Nor am so sure women choose to marry the man that excites them the most,meaning I am not at all sure that most women choose to marry the man they feel the most intense sexual desire for.
Men probably do more often than women.
Iben, I agree with you. I don’t think most women marry bad boys. I think they date them. They have great and wild sex with them. But, they realize that these men do not make good long-term partners as they are often lacking in the ability to commit, fidelity, and success. So, these women turn to the committing and stable type of men. However, I do feel women tend to generally lack sexual desire for the committing type of men. We are often viewed as boring and “just okay’ in bed. Hence, maybe this is why there are problems down… Read more »
Good points, gentlemen. I was speaking of the cheerleader marrying the quarterback type of situation. She married him because of his status (in the teen world). but 20 years later he’s still on the couch, hand in pants, talking about 4 touchdowns at Polk High. The opposite can be true also, as Jules stated. The “vulnerable man” is not very exciting sexually to the woman that grew up on a steady diet of bad boys, but switched off for the stability. I’m sure there are other scenarios, and I was just a bit remiss in stated that mine was the… Read more »
DJ Roukan
You test your hypothesis on childless women that initiate divorce .
Those women that never was a stay at home wife.
What do the data say ?
I have no idea, but they can not be motivated by economic gain like child support or getting the right to the house if the own the house ( home ) together and have split the expenses?
There is a “got to” paper that has all of the most current data digested down to the important facts (I’ve grown too lazy these days to slog through entire studies as I once did). In that is suggest that: The divorce rate for couples with children is as much as 40 percent lower than for those without children. That would seem to somewhat invalidate the “custody mom” explanation for the disparity in intitiating divorce. That has to be cross referenced with a number of other indicators though, such as having a child before or after marriage, cohabitating prior to… Read more »
(I’m rewriting this because it did not print up the first time around. Doing so by memory.) This is why I drew that conclusion initially. From the article: “They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy. Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long. They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years. Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too… Read more »
How about women look in the mirror for once?
Yes. I am one such woman. Always, looking in the mirror. When both parties look in the mirror, miracles abound!
Interesting how all the tips for men involve pleasing the woman and all the tips for woman involve demanding to be pleased. This article suggests that women are incredibly selfish and men just need to shut up and take it.
Both list of tips are intended to support each partner to GIVE to their partner what really works for them, so that both parties are pleased. For men: Express appreciation for what she does Ask her what you can do for her to please her Make eye contact and really listen to her when she talks Tell her she’s beautiful Ask her if she is happy in the marriage or if she ever wonders if the two of you would benefit from relationship support? Better still, YOU initiate something for your relationship. Buy a book, sign you up for a… Read more »
How about ask when she can do to please hum.
However, the tips for women should have been longer. Also, husbands have many justifiable reasons for leaving their wives, however, that is never framed the same way as women leaving their husbands. It is always seen as justified when women leave their husbands, but when a husband leaves his wife, he’s the bad guy. Do not pretend that women are perfect and never do anything wrong.
Agreed! And yes, husbands have justifiable reasons for leaving their wives! The main reasons we see, is they can’t make their partners happy and sex is missing.
What about wives making their husbands happy for once?
Maybe the woman is impossible to please. Time for women to take some responsibility.
@ Nik Johnson… No no no… This is what Zig Ziglar would call stinkin thinkin.. What I have discovered post divorce is you really have to approach ALL women with an open mind and an open heart, though guarded as I did. It was a real struggle I must admit. It is easy to become cynical. But, I am the type of person who still believe in my fellow man and woman. Just as I am a good person I cannot assume I am the only one on this planet. There are others for sure. Lots of others. Men and… Read more »
Nik Johnson
Jules has given us women advice .
What is your advice ,what do you want your wife to do daily, and every week that will make you happy?
Nik Johnson
If 56%-50% first time marriages last then it must be lots and lots of both men and women that make each other happy at least once in a while.
You seems to think all men are unhappy in marriage,and I am certain that it is not so.
Some are as happy as a pig in mud, as DJ once said.
On us to insure that, Nik. Again, this falls to the dating paradigm of today where the man, from the get-go, is expected to please and win the women’s love by performing a series of rote taught behaviors or actions. It does not allow for him, as with many “man-box” items, to initiate the process, or even feel entitled to seek that his needs in a relationship be met. I learned that lesson the second time around, and now preach it to guys any time the occasion presents itself. I evaluated my wife from the first date. We also sat… Read more »
At least this article admits that women need to improve their behaviour as well, but there is too much bashing of men going on.
Both partners working together in relationship to take 100% responsibility for improving it is essential for successful relationship! Women can learn a better way to talk to men about what they want that doesn’t have their partners feel criticized and resistant. In addition, women thrive better in relationship when they learn how to receive and appreciate what they do have – something we are not very good at sometimes!!
Yes, women can be very selfish. Perhaps that’s the main reason they leave their husbands.
We’ve been married 27 years. I got married when I was 20, he was 23. I didn’t realize at the time that I had such a love of learning. I’ve spent the last 27 years growing and learning and becoming the woman I am today. I’ve always adored my husband and been kind to him, etc… But, he is very much the same today as 27 years ago. His interest in learning…none. His music, his food, his entertainment…all the same, basically, as 27 years ago. It was sweet for a while. But now I’m afraid I’m desperately bored. He’s still… Read more »
” I am secretly very unhappy.”
I am not qualified to give advice to anyone on issues like these,but I think you should share your feelings and thoughts with him even if it hurts his feelings.
.
Otherwise he may end up as one of the many men,that get divorced and have no clue why because the wife never told him why she was so unhappy..
You tell us you adore him, and that is a lot you got already…..
I agree. Honesty gives both parties a chance to revive their connection and save their marriage. I will say, that many women we have worked with will say that they have tried for years to instigate more intimacy and connection, have requested their partners join them in therapy or relationship trainings, have even directly told their husbands that they are unhappy and want more, but feel that their partner’s never listened to them. Men have shared with us as well, after their wives initiated divorce, that in retrospect, they can see the many ways their spouses tried to tell them… Read more »
So you still blame men. You make it sound like women are doing all the work and that’s just not true. My wife refused to go to therapy with me and she never listened to me. You don’t seem to care about how men feel.
How do you know what the women were
asking for was reasonable? You are automatically siding with the women, Sonia.
Every relationship requires both growth, expansion and adventure (passion) and stability, comfort or predictability (intimacy). If you get too much or too little of either, the relationship becomes stale or shallow. Your unhappiness points to your desire for change. It is good. We believe conflicts show up to support us to create more intimacy and passion in our relationships. We take the view in conflict, that if one of you wants to grow, some part of the other person ALSO want to grow – that why he picked you! And some part of you enjoys the comfort and predictability inherent… Read more »
“It is EASY to satisfy a woman. If a man treats a woman right, he gets all the freedom, sex, appreciation and love he wants.”
Sonia, if this was in fact true, then please explain to me (and other men) how the “bad boys” are able to get the very same things from women WITHOUT doing these things?
Jules
This is the comment of the day !
Thank you Iben!
Not sure what the definition here is of a “bad boy”, but I would guess that “bad boys” are more connected to, and express, the wild side of their masculine energy. And that is one of the aspects of men that many women love that has them feel chosen, cherished and desired, and ultimately calls for their open-hearted surrender in the bedroom. They may however, lack expertise in how to create a long term, harmonious marriage, which is also essential to successful relationship.
Bad Boys never fully commit to the relationship…….Women will fall all over themselves to prove that she’s worth that commitment……funny thing is if he does she has little idea what to do next….’cause bad boys truly make poor partners…..only really good at being the brass ring to her striving
She is totally missing the point, intentionally I dare say.
You see if I am a man and I want all the sex, love, appreciation, and freedom then clearly it is better to be a “bad boy” than a “good man” and be saddle with all this damn heavy lifting.
Yet she says it is EASY to please a woman..Yes, I would agree. Only when you are a “bad boy.” Otherwise, it is very difficult and requires a lot of effort. One man simply has to show up. The other has to “show out” it seems like.
I am not sure what you are meaning by “bad boys”, but I can guess that “bad boys” connect to and express their wild masculinity more freely. This is an aspect of men that has women feel chosen, cherished and desired, and can inspire heart-felt surrender in the bedroom.
On the other hand, “bad boys” may not have the relationship skills required to create a long-term harmonious marriage – also essential for successful relationship.
Bad Boys never fully commit……she always needs to keep working …. or he’ll simply flit to the next flower and She Knows it. “Good husbands” fully commit and allow her to become complacent …redirecting that same energy into the Grass is always greener…Keeping up with “Mrs. Jones”. Media these days is full of bad relationship advice seems good at the start ……For dealing with the ennui that no longer striving in the relationship brings…… but it tends leads to divorce when implemented over the long run.
Thanks.
But, you did not answer my question.
If you dont want to get divorced you need to do 2 things: 1. Be a great husband and 2. Move to a state with strong joint custody laws. When kids are involved, the best predictor of who initiates divorce is expectation of who gets the kids. Also, joint custody policies cause declines in divorce rates. In short- women expect to get the children therefore they are far more likely to file. Joint custody removes incentive for divorce and makes it more beneficial to stay and work out problems. Citations: http://ncfm.org/libraryfiles/Children/custody/Custody%20Policies%20and%20Divorce%20Rates.pdf pg 8 https://www.unc.edu/courses/2006fall/econ/586/001/Readings/Brinig.pdf pg 33 Of course nothing is… Read more »
SEEEDubya
This is an interesting report you refer to.
Let’s hope they do more and deeper research to find out more if joint custody prevent divorce .
I live in a country where joint custody is the norm .
We do have a falling divorce rate ,but the explanations given is that all out new immigrants bring down the divorce rate because they come from culture where people seldom divorce .
And we also have a very high percentage of young people that choose cohabitatatiom instead of marriage .
What country do you live in?
Hi Sonia I live in Norway. Here people now get married at an older age than earlier . If I remember correctly 31 for women and 34 for men. First marriage. This means many are more mature and choose a partner more wisely . I do not know the exact facts about joint custody here,but can try to find out. Joint custody seems to me to be the norm I am fairly certain of that. But I am certain that dirvorce here is far easier on the man economically , than what it usually is in the U.S. But our… Read more »
I think I lack knowledge about joint custody in my country,and should not have written that joint custody is the norm.
It is far more complicated and I should not have written it is the norm,
Thank you for sharing that – haven’t heard that before! Appreciate your contribution! Will include in the future!
Thanks for sharing that. Great additional information to have! Grateful for this contribution! Thank you!