Why You Don’t Have to Have Them All Figured Out

The clues are there — if you look for them.

Their body language. Their facial expression(s). The way they choose to spend more time talking about their friends and their work drama than the relationship.

While I’ve written a multitude of articles about red flags, green flags, toxic energy, and ‘things to look out for,’ in relationships, there’s very little you actually need to ‘figure out if they’re the right one.’

But let’s stop here for a minute.

What if you’re not meant to find ‘the one?’

What if every relationship you have is meant to serve you for an unknown, but specific amount of time until it wears out its welcome?

For example, I didn’t think that the girl at the time would become my fiancée. And later my ex.

I wasn’t constantly second guessing myself, thinking about ‘is she the one?’ or ceaselessly calculating multiple outcomes in my head.

Nor was I watching, reading, or listening to dating strategies to figure out if the relationship was right.

However, there was a point, about a year into us being together, where I started getting those thoughts: “I think I need to leave her.”

But I didn’t, and here I am, about 7 years later, writing about it.

Now, is it a waste of time if you learn a valuable lesson for being with the ‘wrong’ person?

Not really, but I’m sure you’d rather avoid the wrong people when it’s clearly obvious in the energy, instead of constantly thinking about whether or not they’re good for you.

What you stand to gain from less ruminating

You might end up single and alone for a while, but it’s better than knowingly choosing the wrong people. It will be peaceful.

But this will only work if you choose to move on.

Yes, I know it’s not so cut and dry or easy when you’ve been with someone for a long time.

However, by following what I recommend, you’ll gain clarity about where you stand in the relationship.

And that beats being in the dark and not knowing what to do.

Start focusing on the right things

I went through a few relationships where the timing seemed too convenient.

A few women were fresh out of a breakup (around six months to a year) with long-term partners.

Everything seemed great on paper, but something felt off.

That’s why I’d highly recommend auditing their circumstances.

Doesn’t mean you have to make judgments, but really think about it, have they truly moved on?

Are their feelings or actions motivated by some need to escape or are they genuine?

Analyze your patterns and intentions.

Who are you attracting? What kinds of people are you drawn to?

Try to frame your interactions with them from a third person perspective — literally.

You might notice more than you think.

The point of all this is to observe the energy between the two of you.

But don’t get this confused by “how you feel.”

Feelings/emotions: Feelings are intellectualized, higher-level emotions your mind interprets as having some kind of meaning
Emotions: Lower-level, raw, physical sensations (like tense muscles)

It’s harder to notice the energetic patterns, but you can start noticing things like:

Are they more of a taker or a giver?

Do they seem distracted or ‘not all there?’

After some time, if you get honest with yourself, you should be able to answer the most important question:

“Is this relationship actually headed where I want it to go or is this just going to be another dead-end?”

When it’s time to move on

What makes up this energy?

Nonverbal communication: micro-expressions, body language, tone shifts, or other subtleties we consciously miss
Physiological responses: Your body’s reactions, nervous system activation (or rest) — though it is important not to read into this too much, as it might be more about you than them
Behavioral patterns and consistency: The alignment between someone’s words and actions
Resonance in values — creates a harmony or discord that’s hard to explain, but you’ll know it when you feel it
Your intuition

Energy never lies.

You don’t have to spend years with someone to finally make a decision. Because often, “good enough is good enough.”

From what I’ve found, it only takes about 3 to 8 weeks to know for certain whether things will work out or they’re the right for me.

I even try to think about it this way:

Like in statistics, you just need a reasonable enough sample size to make predictions with a 95% to 99% accuracy.

So you don’t necessarily need more time or more thinking.

…

If you’re dealing with toxic relationships, avoidant behavior, or you’re struggling to voice your needs, I put together this guide on setting boundaries, using a simple, no-BS method to set limits in dating and relationships. Download your copy here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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