Why is it so hard to find the perfect match? Because there isn’t one. All we can do is find someone close enough with whom to share chemistry and compatibility.
We find the person who’s the right match for us. If we know who we want to be with, why are we still dating the wrong people?
We see what we choose to see, ignoring yellow or blazing red flags. We either bypass our deal breakers, or we don’t yet know what they are.
Maybe we think we’re making a reasonable compromise when really, we’re incompatible. We might have attachment issues that keep us chasing emotionally unavailable people. Or we don’t feel deserving of our needs met in a relationship.
All therapy suggestions aside, there are ways to fix this, so you find a human who shares your values and lifestyle.
Make a checklist of what you want/don’t want, and adhere to it, no matter what feelings may sway you. Chemistry, as lovely as it feels, can cloud our judgment. If you want more than that, check your list. Check it twice.
How do you find a partner who checks off enough boxes for you to be happy together? Maybe you want someone who checks them all, which is great. You know what you want.
But the only problem is that we don’t come in neat little boxes. Are you willing to sacrifice a few for the other wonderful attributes? You might have to compromise some of what you want for all the rest that fits. And sometimes, it’s hard to decide if you’re willing to do that.
I’ve had many years of being single to reflect on my love life — my desires, needs, and deal breakers. I noticed an ongoing pattern of finding passion without aligned compatibility or what should’ve qualified as a solely platonic connection.
I compiled a list of what I want with my future partner and how best we’ll mesh. Some are must-haves, like sexual chemistry, a healthy lifestyle, and liberal political views that support basic human rights.
Some are “would like to have”, like you love to cook and don’t care about sports. I recommend making a list for yourself, especially if you’re unclear or keep meeting the same Mx. Wrong every time you date.
How do you know you’ve found your true love? It depends on how you define it. Love is a verb, so you can grow it with anyone. A soul connection happens every so often with a few. It doesn’t spark upon first greeting, but you can certainly see glimmers of its possibility.
I used to believe in love at first sight, but I think it was chemistry. It feels good but can be easily mistaken for love. We can have many true loves in different forms throughout our lifetime.
I found true love with an intimate partner once, only to have my hopes and dreams dashed by a tragic alcoholic relapse. Does that mean he wasn’t the right person for me after all? It doesn’t.
But he isn’t here anymore, so I still haven’t found who I’m looking for. If I still look for him, I won’t find him anytime soon. He’s not available, and that makes him currently a less-than-perfect match.
I refused to look at the warning signs. My soul mate crashed and I looked away, not wanting to see the inevitable crumbling of our already unstable relationship. I wanted our love to endure, but he couldn’t give it to me. I eventually moved on but chose someone who was nothing like him. I never gave myself a chance to heal, so I’m working on that now.
I’m attracted to fellow recovered addicts, which has its challenges. We’re a dynamic, talented group of sober folks. Some of you dazzle me, like my long-lost soul mate. But lately, I’ve questioned whether or not I’m willing to accept the real possibility of relapse and its repercussions.
Where do we draw the line with mental health conditions? Many of us struggle with maintaining our mental health, and some issues have long-term implications.
Thus, my list can change on a case-by-case basis. Some people are treating their mental health with great care and are stable and healthy. Others are struggling. I decided to watch and see, communicating when the need arises. Not yet a deal breaker, but I’m proceeding with more caution.
I hurt so badly after my dear sweet love left me, I’m still processing it after many years. Would we still be together if he hadn’t had a debilitating illness? If I hadn’t become codependent and pushed him further away? I don’t know.
But I need to consider my willingness to pursue intimacy with someone who could potentially become unstable. And mental stability is on my list of must-haves.
Making lists works if you’re unclear about what you’ve not been checking off. It’s useful for when you’re doubting what you want or not getting what you need. But the most effective tool to find the right match is always intuition.
Our intuition is a built-in bullshit detector, a feelings gauge, and a surefire way to figure out if you should be dating someone. Listen to how your body feels when you’re around them. You also need to talk to each other. But that initial sensation is the best clue for any possible future together.
Once you can tell they feel good to be around, get busy checking off that list. Use your intuition again to double-check if you have grey areas. I think too many of us ignore red flags far too often to realize when someone is a sure thing, a near miss, or a Hell no.
Trust me, you’ll know. Now, get on out there and find your not-so-perfect but perfect-for-you match. You deserve it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
