Why You Need To Stop Trying So Hard for Someone to Care About You

When someone wants to be with you, they’ll go out of their way to make it happen. They don’t hesitate or make you wait or wonder.

If you have limited time, they work around your schedule. They’re eager to make plans to see you. You don’t have to contort yourself to fit into their container. They accommodate you.

If they don’t, that’s information. Barring any unforeseen circumstances out of their control, they aren’t making you a priority. A friend or loved one needs to act accordingly, or your relationship doesn’t mean much.

You’re worth more than an afterthought or a quick text on the fly. You deserve to have a person pay attention to you without waiting for a lengthy time.

Whatever internal conflict they may have isn’t your responsibility. Whatever else they’re not telling you has nothing to do with your worthiness, either. That’s their issue to resolve.

Everyone wants to know people care. So why is it that many of us lack shared intimacy? Why do we have loads of casual acquaintances or supposed friends with broken promises? Why do we accept breadcrumbs instead of enjoying an entire meal?

Thanks to antisocial media, we’ve grown apart

One issue appears to be our current default method of communication. Social media may have us convinced we’re actively participating in our relationships when we engage with each other on the platform.

Newsflash: Commenting on a post doesn’t maintain your relationship. In some cases, it’s more likely to break you apart. Social media gives an illusion of social engagement.

Texting is only a short step up from social media. I’ve had what I believed at the time to be intimate conversations via text. But it’s an insufficient substitute for phone calls and real-life interactions. Frankly, it leaves me wanting and needing more.

We eventually reach a turning point

I’m done with overextending myself. We only have a relationship if we both do the work. Without an effort to maintain, there’s nothing left between us.

If you want to spend time with me, you need to try a little harder. If you don’t, please stop pretending that seeing me matters to you. We do that far too often these days. We say, “Hey, let’s get together soon,” but do we mean it? Not really, or we would make solid plans and follow through.

I need someone who can’t wait to see me, a friend who’s excited I came to town and cherish the short time we have together. I also need them to be honest if they can’t handle seeing me alone because they’re feeling weird about recent changes in our relationship.

Yeah, he’s the guy friend I kissed last time I was here, and he ran from the idea of us. So I get it, but damn. Can’t we be honest with each other?

That’s what I kept thinking when I visited my hometown this winter. I stopped trying so hard to make something happen that probably wouldn’t come to fruition. And I heard plenty of crickets in that silence. I chose to disengage and see if and when he’d respond. I didn’t told him I was coming, but my friend told him I was in town.

With disappointment comes necessary change

I’m glad my experiment worked. I stopped trying to get his attention, and he eventually reached out a few days after my arrival. By then, it was apparent he was lukewarm about seeing me. If he were more enthusiastic, I would hear from him sooner.

It’s interesting what transpires when we don’t invest so much time in tiny morsels of attention. We start knowing our worth and what we want. I wanted him to ask me details — if I was coming this year, when I’d arrive, and how long I’d be here. He didn’t.

His “too little, too late” messages weren’t enough to convince me he was invested in our relationship. He isn’t, and I’m not going to wait around. I already wore all my cutest outfits without him, showered and styled my hair for myself alone, and detached from any possibilities.

For those of us with a history of codependency, this is groundbreaking. When we stop trying to control others, our lives broaden and bloom. We don’t place our daisies into one basket, only to see them wilt and die.

When I stopped trying to control our relationship, our friendship began to resurface. I no longer need to see him, because I lost the willful urge to change him. Though I’m sad he doesn’t spend as much time on me as I have on him, I can accept what we are to each other.

When he said he wanted to meet with me and another friend, I planned to call him out for not saying what he meant. If I’m right and he doesn’t want to be alone with me, I can choose to meet as a group of friends or opt-out. I can stop analyzing him and let it go.

I know why it bothered me so much. I wanted him to want to be alone with me. I wanted to be right, that he’s emotionally unavailable and avoiding me.

But does it matter? I’d rather not expect him to change. I know I can’t change the reason for his approach, anyway. So I’m choosing to let go. I realize it’s my approach that needs to change.

I want you to have it all

There’s nothing wrong with wanting more from your relationship. You deserve to have it all — someone who wants to spend time with you and shares how they feel about you. You shouldn’t have to work twice as hard for half as much.

When we’re used to being starved in our relationships, we might devour anything that comes our way. I learned that I have the right to discern and decide who I invite into my life and why. I get to say no to the invitation or accept his limited offer and move on.

Some of us grapple with the overwhelming fear we’ll stay malnourished, that we should take whatever we can get when someone pays even a little attention to us.

We perpetuate the problem further when we give too much to people who repeatedly don’t give us what we seek. I don’t blame him. He’s been honest with me in the past, and I knew what to expect. Unfortunately, I can’t make my wishes come true with this one. He offers a different meal than what will satiate me.

If someone wants to see you, they know where you are. Stop needing them so much. Stop chasing after them like a lovesick puppy. You’re doing ok where you are and as you are. You won’t be alone forever.

And when you open that space you used to fill with almost, potential, and could have been, you’ll find your well-defined certainty with someone who can’t wait to see you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com

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