Why You Should Really Care if Someone Is ‘Benching’ You

Without elaborating why dating in your 20s sucks, I think you already knew.

It’s, even more sucks with all these new dating terms, and trust me, looking for real love (especially online) is harder than ever. It’s not impossible — it’s just harder.

The other day my friend said someone just ghosted her, and the other friend said it’s normal. Isn’t that crazy? People start normalizing such behavior and even expect it when they are in the online dating pool.

But let’s talk about benching — the worst dating trend of all. And why you should really care if someone’s doing this to you?

Simply because it wrecks your mental health and wastes so much of your time. You certainly don’t want to wait for that one person who plays you and miss out on the one who’s ready to commit to you.

Getting to know what’s benching

Benching in dating, according to Urban Dictionary, is:

“When you start dating someone you think is nice and who has potential, but you’re not crazy about them. You don’t know whether to keep dating them or dump them and move on to the next one. This is where benching happens; instead of going for either of the above-polarized options, you put your date in your mental ‘maybe’ folder and ‘bench them’ so you date around to see what else is out there.”

See how cruel that is? Way crueler than breadcrumbing, ghosting, and all other games in online dating.

So why do people do this? And why might you be the victim of this behavior?

Simply because people think they have more options. Committing to someone isn’t as easy as in the old days. The FOMO feeling has also made people think that they might miss out on the “better” one when they settle down too “early.”

While women do this, too, I’ve noticed men are the ones who tend to pull this game a lot more — at least on online dating. I don’t know how this dating trend goes in your country, but where I live, men have begun to normalize it.

So he’d tell you he isn’t truly ready for commitment, but he still gives you attention like crazy. Which, of course, makes you think about what does he really wants. And while you’re waiting, you also don’t realize that you’re wasting so much of your time on uncertainty.

How do you spot the signs?

Here are the obvious red flags:

1. They come and go however they like

Your communication with them always revolves around their schedule, not yours. And yes, they’re aware of it. And if your gut is telling you that they don’t care about your time, then you’re probably right.

When someone’s benching you, they don’t give a crap about your expectations and your wish that they could be more consistent because they’re too busy looking for backups.

2. When you’re about to leave, they always convince you to stay.

Here’s the trickiest thing about being benched.

You could say you’ve had enough, you could swear at them and promise yourself you’re not coming back, but they always have a way to assure you, and before you know it, you’re back in their arms.

Eventually, you’ll feel like a fool because you then realize nothing really changes. They haven’t committed yet, and they haven’t let go of all of the other options. You just can feel the indecisive vibes through them.

3. They’re still active on dating apps.

I’ve known people who found out their potential partner is on a dating app, yet they still stay with them. I’m not even sure if they’re aware that it’s a disrespectful thing to do.

So if you have a suspicion that they’re still actively swiping right on Tinder or other online dating apps, it’s never too late to bring up the conversation. But for me personally, I’d rather run as fast as I can and not bother “confronting” them.

4. They aren’t reliable.

The main great treat of someone who’s fully committed to you is that they will always be there for you. And you know they always do their best to do so. You can feel it.

They’re honest, they’re caring, and most importantly, they’re reliable. They don’t come to you because they need something from you. They genuinely want to be in your life and get to know you.

So be careful if you can never get their help for your life problems but expect you to be always ready for you.

And how to get out and move on:

A friend of mine just got benched by a guy who also happens to be her co-worker. He lied a lot, and my friend caught him a couple of times flirting with other girls despite his claim earlier, saying “I’m sooo interested in you.”

Soon once she found out he’s just a time waster and only made her as an option, she cut contact completely with him. Of course, he acted up and asked, “what’s going on?” kind of question.

It’s upsetting to hear, but people who like to bench others pretend like they don’t know what they’re doing. Trust me, they do. And you can’t stop them.

You can only stop yourself from falling for such a person. It’s never too late to start over. It’s not love — there is a better one for you out there.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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