Why You Want Them MORE When They’re “Not Sure” About You…

Have you ever felt that you loved someone more when they were doubtful about you?

It is an enigmatic and frequently agonizing occurrence which many of us have encountered in our dating history.

The first time that I felt confused by this type of attraction.

I was with her for the longest time, yet it was never clear if we were together or not.

One day we are together, and the next I was not in them. This produced a type of addiction with unpredictable desire that was never ending.

I could not realize how much the indecision of the two was affecting me until I took a step back.

This is not just an individual feeling, which comes from psychology.

It is surprising to discover that uncertainty on the part of another person can actually create an increased attraction towards us.

This happens through a phenomenon referred to as “the psychology of scarcity” — human individuals are hardwired to go after what appears to be in lower supply or less common.

This is a pattern in which the person involved has internal issues with validation or recognition due to some insecurities.

Therefore, I would be attracted most to people who didn’t give obvious endorsement because deep down I considered it a trophy that had to be earned.

However, the question is on how can we escape from it? This blog will explain how through my journey I tackled these rough and stormy waters.

Uncertainties in relationships may be fascinating or exhausting.

Being with someone and not knowing where you are may cause a range of emotions, from joy to anxiety.

Because of this ambiguity, we are never sure what the other person is experiencing, which leaves us virtually perpetually perplexed while attempting to ascertain their feelings.

The Role of Dopamine in Attraction

Interestingly, some aspects of this cycle can be related to the role of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and rewards.

In such situations of uncertainty, EVERY POSITIVE SIGNAL from them causes a small burst of dopamine which produces a similar feeling as the gambler experiences.

The uncertainty itself becomes a thrill and an attraction of its own.

Every time she indicated some interest and love, it had a feeling of an incremental step toward the development.

I was always waiting for the uncertainty of her reactions.

When she was more responsive it raised my hopes and I felt very excited.

Nonetheless, on instances when she was absent, the feeling of bereavement and bewilderment was acute.

This was a series of ups and downs and each high was followed by a low, reminiscent of a typical gamble.

This cycle went on for a while with each phase of uncertainty and brief reward making me more attracted to her.

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Philosophically speaking, this circumstance mirrors the idea of desire that theorists such as Søren Kierkegaard have written about.

Usually, desire arises when there is ambiguity and unpredictability.

According to Kierkegaard, desire naturally gravitates toward the unknown or the unattainable, which makes the unknown or unattainable seductive by nature.

And ‘Psychology of scarcity’ is important in explaining this dynamic.

We view things as more valuable when their supply is scarce.

This explains the reason why many of us may find ourselves drawn to people who are not readily available or are uncertain in their feelings towards us.

It causes them to be perceived as more scarce, which makes them ‘scarcer’.

Breaking the Cycle

The first step towards escape from this cycle is introspection.

However, it is critical to understand your own insecurity and why you are attracted to such relationships.

Many times, these patterns have the roots in deeper aspects of self-esteem and a need for approval.

Then, Developing emotional intelligence is key.

It includes accepting, understanding, and controlling our feelings and feelings of others.

If we become Emotionally SMART, we will be able to handle the ups and downs of insecure relationships.

Strategies for Moving Forward
BY doing this three things:

Focus on Self Worth
Seeking Clarity and Communication
Embracing Vulnerability

One successful strategy is to place your self esteem on your own terms and not that of your relationship.

You can reduce the need for external validation by participating in activities that enhance self-confidence and self-identity.

And Make sure your relations are also clear as a mud. Being straightforward and candid can enable you to understand where you are and how to stop the spread of uncertainty.

Thirdly, embracing vulnerability can be transforming.

Talking openly about your feelings, even in fear of the unknown, will lead to true and satisfying relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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