It seems like the hunt is always on, but it only begins to feel problematic when you’re always on the hunt. It’s as if no number of swipes, likes, or chats could get you into the relationship that you so deeply desire. It’s not that you haven’t dated before, but out of all your previous relationships, none of them have ever left you feeling satisfied. This has shifted how you look at love, relationships, and maybe even at life as a whole. I’ll highlight some of the best advice I’ve received, as well as some of the best advice I’ve given regarding the trials and tribulations of finding a stable, strong, and healthy relationship.
Nobody ever found love in the club
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If you’re old-fashioned and prefer the traditional route of courting someone, chances are you’ve come short several times. It isn’t helpful that pop culture has fantasized about the idea of meeting someone in a coffee shop (looking at you 50 First Dates), but it still seems like you picture it as the best way to meet someone.
Although you may both bond over your passions for artisan roasted beans, chances are you’re both in a rush, cranky since you haven’t had your coffee yet, and oblivious to any potential suitors.
Finding someone in the right place means being somewhere you actually want to be. It could be the hobby you partake in during the week or a volunteer experience that you do. Whatever the case may be, your reasoning for being there is beyond searching for a relationship. Which oddly enough tends to appear whenever you aren’t looking for a relationship at all.
The best part about meeting someone at these spots is that you already share a common interest. It’s just up to you to decide on who you approach and how you approach them.
Values drive attitudes, which in turn, shape behavior
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Pick apart all your previous relationships. Chances are they failed due to a major difference in values. It might have been a difference in perspective, a difference in several small things, or something big, like family. Regardless of the type of difference, your inherent values were the deciding factors of those relationships.
If you’re having a hard time reflecting on past relationships, or don’t have any past data to reflect on, it’s worth breaking down exactly what your values are. It doesn’t need to be an exhaustive list, but it should cover as many values that (most likely) guide how you live.
By acknowledging what you value most, you’ve begun to shape your criteria for the right partner. These values should be kept close and away from others to avoid molding yourself to their liking.
Creating an Illusion of Truth
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If you allow for your values to be swayed, it’s synonymous with lying to yourself enough times till you believe it. Although it’s possible for someone to alter your values, working against your own Truth can foster anger towards yourself and your partner.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t consider other perspectives or values, but instead, be open to hearing opinions and then adapting your position with that new information. In the light of love, however, this can be tricky. So when meeting someone for the first time, try to weave in your values to see how they might react.
The last thing you want to do when getting to know someone romantically is becoming a carbon copy of them. This burns out rather quickly because the energy required to pretend to be someone else is large.
Constantly shifting focus
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A relationship is best captured as a sprout. Be attentive and it’ll grow into a large stalk, but neglect it and it’ll wilt. In our case, focusing on your relationship is analogous to watering a plant, but it’s easier said than done. Life gets demanding, work piles up, or you lose interest in what you already have.
These things usually happen for specific reasons, but a common one is not being prepared for a full-fledged relationship. It’s the harsh truth, but if you aren’t willing to commit the time and energy to maintain a relationship, you might be better off working on yourself for the time being.
But if you feel like this relationship is something you’re willing to work for, reflect on why you’re there. Think about the values, interests, and honesty that you and your partner share. It’s these little things that keep you focused on your relationship even when life is wearing you down.
Final remarks
Being on the market has never been trickier. Gimmicky dating apps and the like make it harder to find someone to connect with. That’s why finding someone you share values and interests with could change that outcome. But the biggest takeaway from all this should be embracing who you are and staying true to that even in the face of love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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