Why Your Dating Circle Feels Stagnant and Limited

Dating apps were made to keep you lonely. Otherwise, they couldn’t make money off of you.

And you’d think being connected with other attractive people wouldn’t cause this, but I was actually lonelier when I was on Tinder or a similar app.

At first, you feel like you have the power in your hands: Login, swipe, message, and go out.

But this false sense of security quickly turns into feelings of powerlessness.

Which reinforces and encourages hopelessness. I was sick of feeling like that, so I decided to do something about it.

I set a new rule. However…before we get into what that rule is and how to implement it, you’re going to learn why most people stagnate, settle, or completely avoid dating — even though they want to meet the right person.

Why people still use dating apps despite the stats

Addictive: Dating apps are designed to be like a slot machine. They play on your basic desire for love and connection but fail to deliver.
Instant gratification: You get a quick hit of dopamine from new matches or messages. Then, no one really feels compelled to build real connections.
Lack of awareness: For men, dating is not in their favor. They aren’t aware of the statistics about online dating.
False sense of hope: There’s an illusion of abundance; finding the right person actually takes more work than a few swipes.

The “honeymoon” phase of dating apps WILL quickly fade. And you will feel disempowered or disillusioned from the whole process.

Afterward, all you will have left are unfulfilling interactions, ghosting, flaking, and emotionally unavailable partners.

But the comfort of the apps was costly. When I decided to ditch the apps, I didn’t know what to do or how to meet people.

The experience that online dating cannot provide

Years ago, long before dating apps, I approached girls IRL. It was the only option. I sucked at it, got rejected, and gave up. But as technology developed and apps came into existence I used them instead. Which led to me finding my fiance on Bumble in 2018.

That relationship ended in 2022, and I went back to the apps. I spent a while reading, listening, and watching professional dating advice, and their best recommendation is to meet people offline during the day.

If you want to select and screen the right people, you literally have to go out, be intentional, and talk to as many people as possible. You don’t have to be sleazy. But your success cannot be dependent on “hoping” you will randomly bump into someone.

I don’t know how else to explain it, but I did “day game” for a while and got rejected and returned to the apps.

Then, months went by, and I became even more disenchanted. Finally, something had to give, and I got rid of all my accounts and deleted the apps.

I wrote down a list of things that needed to change, to include this:

‘6 cold approaches per week minimum–even if it’s just “Hi, how are you?”’

It doesn’t have to be flashy. But for right now, a simple, genuine “Hi, how are you?” or “Good morning” to women that I find attractive is sufficient.

Nothing flashy. Forget the stupid, cheesy pickup lines.

And frankly, there are times when I don’t want to say “hi”, but I do it anyway because it’s not about “how I feel.”

All that matters are the results of the processes that are put in place.

So just start at the bare basics, because it’s like re-starting a workout. You can’t sit on your ass for a year, get out of shape, and then expect to be able to run a marathon again.

And six is enough to give you a bit of “wiggle room.” Because sometimes you can’t control who’s “out and about.” I’ve gone out before and the opportunities just weren’t there.

This is what I mean and here’s the strategy I started to implement.

I try not to go too much out of my way just to say “hello.” But you may still have to make adjustments to your schedule like I did. I used to just go straight home after work and stay there. Yes, it was comfortable, but this routine wasn’t serving me.

Right now I’m putting more intention into my schedule. That means running small errands or going to a cafe instead of stopping for an energy drink.

Because I know this is where my “target audience” is. ← Just like marketing, if you don’t know who you’re trying to sell to or where to find them, how can you be successful?

I go to places like Target, “high-end” grocery stores, clothing stores, and cafes, or walk in my downtown area where I know girls are.

You don’t have to make huge adjustments but if you’re not putting yourself in the right situations, you’re missing out on opportunities to connect.

Plus, this makes a huge difference: keep dating on your mind!

If you’re not focused on dating, you WILL miss opportunities right in front of you. All this is difficult to describe because it’s all situational, but there are a lot of pretty women around. Sometimes less than a foot from you.

Think about it this way, let’s say you’re at the grocery store. You’re comparing brands of coffee, and a girl in workout clothes walks right up to you and grabs one of the brands you’re considering.

That’s the perfect time to smile, say hello, and comment on this, “Oh hey, is that a good brand?”

You could have easily started flirting and building a connection, but instead, you’re zoned out and caught up in your damn shopping list.

Or this is a more common one: you’re in line at a cafe or self-checkout.

In front of you is an attractive young lady who glances back at you, smiles, and gives you an opening to initiate conversation, but again, you’re completely “out of it” and thinking about something else.

You’re more likely to notice and respond to those subtle cues when you’re focused on dating.

It’s time to make a tough decision

With all this in mind, you can “risk it for the biscuit” and take a leap of faith— cut the crap and get rid of the apps, or stay comfortable swiping on a screen. Your choice.

Personally, I had to face the fact that I’m pretty much starting all over again, from the ground up. I wasted YEARS, and it’s not like I’m in my early 20s anymore.

Thus, starting over wasn’t exactly an easy decision.

I had to face the pain of knowing that it might be a while before “something happens.” This is likely a lengthy journey. But the apps don’t work and all they do is prolong your loneliness.

Without the apps as a crutch, you might be back at square one.

But even with over a dozen simple greetings in person so far — I remembered how invigorating and energizing it is. Without the “safety net” of online dating, it’s risky, but also far more rewarding.

Remember, the key is to start where you feel comfortable. You don’t have to rush to get a number. At the start, it can be

“Good morning” to an attractive person.
Complimenting their choice of style.
Hold eye contact, and add a seductive “hi” to show romantic interest.
Or literally walk up to them and say “Hey I think you’re cute.” ← I’m not kidding, I’ve had positive results with this.

You don’t have to rush into a lengthy conversation. Just build the habit and stretch yourself a little bit on each approach.

The apps can’t replicate the same feeling of the in-person approach. While I’ve had hookups, short-term flings, and serious relationships through dating apps, what I’m doing now feels more authentic.

Even if it doesn’t lead to anything in the short term, I can guarantee that it’s worth it to get off the apps ASAP.

If you’re trying to make this shift, I plan to dive into more practical advice on the topic of “cold-approaching” in future stories. I intend to tackle the common BS excuses people tell themselves, practical and impactful mindset shifts on handling rejection, and how to manage approach anxiety.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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