Why Your Love Interest Seems So Far Away!

I was recently reading an amazing article on attachment styles —
“What Makes Avoidant’s Fall Crazy in Love…” — by one of my favorite authors here on Medium, My Avoidant Ex… and I found myself laughing out loud.

Attachment styles are complicated, nuanced, and a major pain in the ass when you and your partner are not both secure.

The Insight That Made Me Spit Out My Coffee

While reading, I had a flash of clarity that had me in stitches:

This article should have been titled
“Are You a Golden Retriever Trying to Make a Cat Fall Crazy in Love with You?”

The awareness she brings to what the different attachment styles are like, what they need, and how to connect with someone who has a different style is beyond beautiful.

I’m not going to try to do justice to her depth.

Instead, I want to give you the funny, tongue-in-cheek, “can’t unsee it now” version.

Me: The Labrador

I’m a golden retriever. Maybe a yellow lab.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, love fully and wholly, and the only game I’m interested in is snuggling.

My wife?
She’s a cat.
Aloof. Distant. Won’t come close for a pet. Walks just out of reach, making sure I know she’s in charge of when connection happens.

“Some of us greet at the door with tail wags, others with a slow blink from across the room.”

Why This Matters in Relationships

I’ve worked with so many couples trying to understand their different attachment styles.

There are nuances, of course. But if we could just think of them like this…

…maybe, just maybe, it would be easier to understand how to love someone whose style is very different from your own.

If You’re Avoidant (Cat) Dating an Anxious Partner (Puppy)

Your partner’s excessive energy — their desire to connect and their need to feel close — is not to smother you.
It’s them asking for connection.

Think of it like this:

• You have a puppy at home who is excited to see you.
• You are their world.
• If you show up randomly, don’t walk them, and ignore them when you’re home… they learn love isn’t safe.
• Eventually, they stop coming to the door.

But here’s the thing — you wanted the dog because you wanted love.
So:

✅ Make a schedule.
✅ Take them for walks.
✅ Give quality time.

“You can’t adopt a puppy and then be shocked it wants to play fetch.”

Because after all, you chose them. And their love is the very thing you were looking for.

If You’re Anxious (Puppy) Dating an Avoidant Partner (Cat)

Your boundless enthusiasm can feel like too much for them.
When you greet them at the door, tail wagging, they may feel overloaded.

Not because they don’t love you — but because they’re wired differently.

Think of it like this:

• They’re a cat.
• Their home is their place of solace.
• Connection happens on their terms.

Instead of bounding up, slobber dripping…
🐾 Open the door.
🐾 Set down a saucer of milk.
🐾 Offer a gentle scratch down the back.

Then let them know:
“I’ll be on the couch with some catnip, ready to hang out when you are.”

“Sometimes love means wagging less and blinking more.”

When You’re Different Species

If you choose to partner with someone wired differently:

You both have to learn how to hold each other differently.

For example:
“I won’t attack you at the door slobbering all over you, but I’d love it if, once you’re settled, you’d come sit and cuddle me.”

For the avoidant, that might mean acknowledging their cat tendencies and reassuring their partner:

“Hey, I’m distant right now because I’m regulating, not because I’m upset with you.”

“Love isn’t about changing species — it’s about learning each other’s language.”

And Now… the Secure Partner 🐕‍🦺

If the anxious-preoccupied is the wiggly,
“Love me, love me, love me!”
golden retriever puppy…

…and the dismissive-avoidant is the cat who graces you with their presence only when it suits them…

The secure partner?
Think of them like the six-year-old lab.

They still love you — deeply.
They’re still loyal.
They still get excited when you come home.

But their love isn’t frantic anymore.
It’s grounded. Steady. Calm.

They’ll curl up next to you while you work,
wait patiently while you take that phone call,
and they know you’ll still throw the ball later.

“Secure love isn’t loud — but it’s unshakable.”

Why This Matters

A secure partner knows that connection isn’t about chasing or avoiding, it’s about being.

They can:

• Meet the cat’s need for space without taking it personally.
• Meet the puppy’s need for affection without drowning in it.

And here’s the magic — over time, they help you find that same steadiness in yourself.

The cat may never turn into a golden retriever.
The puppy may never be totally chill.

But you’ll both end up playing in the same yard…
without all the hissing and jumping.

Because in the end:
Whether you’re a cat, a puppy, or that grounded old lab,
relationships work best when we learn each other’s rhythms
and choose, over and over, to meet in the middle.

About the Author

Stephen Bickle is a Master Relationship Coach who helps couples move past resentment, build emotional intimacy, and create partnerships rooted in honesty, connection, and teamwork. His coaching blends deep personal insight with practical tools to help you grow the relationship you truly want.

🔗 Book a free consultation at StephenBickle.com

💡 Explore “The Basics of Love” and take the couple’s quiz at BasicsOfLove.com to better understand yourself — and your partner.