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Transcript provided by YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Trusting Your Instincts… With Caution
If I say be careful of trusting your instincts, people are like, “What do you mean? My instincts are all I have.” They’re actually not all you have. They are response systems that have been developed for survival.
Listener Question: When Familiar Feels Unsafe
Love Life Line is where we reach out to our members and ask them a question. We got a really great one from a lovely lady called Samuela, who is French—vive la France! (Yes, we’re doing that thing again. It’s mandatory—I’m married to a French woman.)
Producer David, can we have the question, please?
Hi Matthew, hi Audrey, hi everyone. I’m Samuela from France. I have a question relating to what seemed to be green flags in the beginning. I found in my last relationship, as I was discovering the person, I really felt like they were familiar—like I was recognizing them. Their values seemed to align with mine, and something just felt really familiar. But because I have childhood trauma that’s gotten me into trouble before, I don’t know how to navigate or trust that feeling in different contexts. Thank you for your answers, and for all your great work. Goodbye.
When “Home” Isn’t Safe
So was Samuela saying there’s something—lack of a better word—dysfunctional about how she’s showing up in the world? That she might be gravitating toward familiarity that isn’t healthy?
I think what she meant is that she can’t always discern between someone who feels familiar in a good way… and someone who triggers something from childhood trauma. Like when you meet someone and think, “Wow, they feel like home.” But then you remember—home wasn’t healthy. So that familiarity might not be a green flag after all.
And that is so common.
Why Familiarity Isn’t Always Friendly
I talk about this in my new book. It’s incredibly common for us to choose what feels familiar. Our nervous system responds to certain things.
That’s where we get to become kind of an empiricist in our own life. We get to look at the data, at our own stories, and ask:
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Where has selecting this kind of person taken me down the wrong path?
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Where has choosing familiarity not actually led to a good person?
I’ve learned something really important about myself. If you and I go to a social gathering—once a year, let’s say—I’ll often immediately like one person more than anyone else. And I’ll think, “Oh my God, me and this person? We’re going to be great friends!” It feels easy. They laugh at my jokes. They’re warm. It just clicks.
Beware the Instant Connection
And it’s crazy how many times that person turns out to be… not great. Manipulative. Lacking integrity. Disingenuous. The mask slips. These days, I can often spot it before the night’s over. Something they say or do triggers a little red flag in me.
That’s me paying attention.
I started noticing how often those initial instincts have steered me wrong. That’s why I have a whole chapter in the book called Question Your Instincts. It’s not something we hear often. In fact, it sounds like bad advice to most people because we’re told to “trust your gut,” “trust your intuition,” “trust your instincts”—as if they’re all the same thing. But they’re not.
Your Instincts Were Trained to Survive, Not Thrive
Instincts are response systems developed for survival. And they might be helping you survive something that’s no longer a threat—or that’s no longer relevant in your life.
For Samuela, there might be a survival instinct showing up, making someone feel like “home”—but that “home” might be more about trauma than safety.
There’s no perfect science for knowing if you’re being led astray or not. But what you can do is introduce curiosity into the situation:
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Has it been true in the past that what I’m drawn to turns out to be superficial?
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Have these behaviors lacked deeper integrity?
If the answer is yes—and often yes—then at the very least, it tells you not to take that good feeling at face value. It’s not necessarily an indicator of someone’s character, loyalty, or long-term potential.
Let Curiosity Temper Your Enthusiasm
This doesn’t mean you have to run away. But it does mean you can temper your enthusiasm. Be open, but cautious.
I try not to become a cynic when I hit it off with someone right away. But I’m very aware of how often I’ve been wrong about that first instinct. And how, conversely, the people who didn’t immediately shine—the ones with a more subtle light—ended up being the ones I truly loved the most, over time.
The Danger of Charm
Maybe Audrey and I are just overly seduced by charm.
Her especially.
But yeah, I’ve been there too. And sometimes when I thought I had a great connection at a party, I probably was just talking to my own AI. Standing in the corner with headphones in, thinking, “Wow, this person really gets me!”
Redefining Familiarity
We all have our “homing missiles”—those familiar cues we’re drawn to. And for some, what’s familiar is someone not giving you attention. That feels more normal than someone who actually lights up when you text them.
It’s that sense of I have to earn love—that’s what feels normal.
That’s why you have to retrain that instinct.
Gather more people around you who are consistent. Who say what they mean. Who tell the truth. The more you surround yourself with that, the more that becomes your new normal.
A Practical Step: New Friendships, New Patterns
Something practical for Samuela—and anyone in this position—is to branch out and become friends with different kinds of people.
Try to notice qualities like:
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Kindness
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Consistency
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Integrity
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Emotional availability
Not necessarily the most charismatic or “shiny” people, but people who show up. People who want to invest in you. People who don’t gossip or lead you down paths that don’t serve you.
That “funny” friend who drinks too much and lights up every room? They might be the worst person for your emotional well-being.
Meanwhile, that quiet friend who feels “boring” at first might actually be the one who helps you feel safe, seen, and supported.
Start with Small Steps
It’s really hard to retrain attraction in romantic relationships. But it’s easier to start small—through friendships, through work relationships.
Practice redefining your “type” in those safer spaces.
That’s a really good place to start.
And honestly? It might just change everything.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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