Will I Ever Stop Thinking About the Narcissist?

The other day, I saw a post in a FB group about covert narcissism where the person asked “It’s been three months and I am constantly ruminating over what happened. Will I ever stop thinking about him?” And I remembered what that felt like — as well as how the story unfolded for me personally with time and healing work. (Note — I put in my own rough time stamps, but I don’t mean these to be right or wrong or what anyone else should or does experience, just how it was for me.)

Chapter One (Early Days)

I think about X constantly, but not in a new love starry-eyed way. Instead, I obsess over how on earth I could have gotten myself into this. How could I have not seen him for who he was, ignoring his maltreatment and moods? How could I have become so much less of who I am? It feels like I’ve ended up in a Lifetime movie and I don’t know how to get out.

Chapter Two (Roughly the First Year Out)

I think about X often, like a sore tooth I just can’t leave alone. I find my attention wandering to memories of his outrageous behavior and beliefs. My body reacts to anything reminding me of him, and it feels like if I don’t tell you the story you won’t know who I am.

Chapter Three (Year Two-ish Post Leaving)

I think about X from time to time. Many things bring him to mind, but there is more and more room for the rest of my life now, and I can go whole days without memories intruding. It feels like I am disentangling and am no longer buried beneath the experience.

Chapter Four (Year Three Out)

I rarely think about X. It’s been a few of years since I left, with a lot of healing work in that time. He no longer intrudes into my thoughts unbidden, and my body is usually calm when I do remember this part of my past. I can call memories to mind in order to unpack them without feeling distress. It feels like I am in the ongoing process of integrating the experience.

Chapter Five (Year Four and On)

I think about X when I need to write about narcissistic behavior. I search my memory banks for examples of love bombing, gaslighting, bread-crumbing, devaluing, neglect, grandiosity and more. I am fascinated by how distinctly he follows the classic patterns of the disorder. In the process, it feels like I am able to make more and more sense of what happened to me and why.

And through it all, I realize again and again, that things can be integrated, understood, and even transcended, and I am grateful.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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