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I’m a man of passion. I’m an impulsive man. My emotions are deep and my desires are fierce. And I’ve always had the hardest time forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do. Naturally, such recklessness has been met with disapproval. During my boyhood, the criticism from parents, teachers, social workers, supervisors, and pretty much every authority figure was abundant, and came down to one common denominator: I was lacking self-control.
Self-control, or willpower, is considered a key ingredient of masculinity. Traditional gender roles regard women and girls as emotional creature, plagued by whimsical moods. For them, it is somewhat acceptable to cry, scream, or shatter the dishes. Boys and men, however, are expected to “keep it together” and “get a grip.” They must be driven, determined, and yet controlled. In other words, men must have a strong will—the stronger the manlier. All that didn’t seem to work in my favor.
But what exactly is willpower? And, perhaps more importantly, how can we improve it? Most people, many psychologists among them, consider the exercise of self-control an act of suppression. According to this intuitive notion, we put a lid on our drives before they erupt and cause all kinds of trouble. Psychologist Roy Baumeister even suggests that the strength to control our urges is a limited resource, which may even become depleted.
However, keeping violent urges in check cannot be the whole story. After all, sometimes we need willpower not to control actions, but to get ourselves to act at all. What forces us to get our asses up, to overcome laziness and procrastination, has little to do with the forceful suppression of burning desires. We wake up in the morning and earn the daily bread, sometimes in jobs we hate. We do it because we are aware of the consequence of acting otherwise. We do it because of the way we look at things. Self-control has something to do with the way we think.
Psychologists call it “framing,” the mental representation of things that can be regarded one way or another. Framing effects make the difference whether money is “wasted,” or “spent,” whether the gangrenous patient has “lost his leg,” or “could be saved,” whether an act of violence is “heroic” or “criminal.” Framing affects how we make decisions. And it is framing that enables us to exercise willpower.
Muhammad Ali once explained “I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’” This quote is interesting. It suggests that Ali conquered his constant temptation to skip training by keeping his ultimate long-term goal in mind, which was—with all due humility—to be the Greatest. This strategy hints at a general pattern. We exercise willpower when we resist temptation in form of smaller but sooner rewards, in favor of larger, but later rewards. The greater goal is the safeguard against the present urge.
This reasoning has a distinguished ancestry. Aristotle wondered about the causes of akrasia, the kind of self-defeating behavior that leads to obesity, divorces, and prison sentences. He concluded that akrasia is the result of choosing according to particulars instead of universals. Our choices become smarter the more we abstract from the specific decision at hand. A choice between pizza or lean chicken breast is easily made in favor of the former. However, the latter may prevail when we approach it as the decision between a “healthy” or an “unhealthy” lifestyle.
It is inconsistency that often prevents us from realizing the greater goal. For example, I might decide to enjoy one last day of indulgence and start my diet tomorrow. Yet, when tomorrow comes, I feel that this will be my last day of fun—after all, one more day does not really make a difference. I might again update my resolution the day after tomorrow, then again, then again, and then again. Only the day I fail to see my toes, might I realize that my repeated days of harmless lapses have led to the accumulation of significant damage. The culprit wouldn’t be my inability to cope with my fierce cravings but the recurrent modification of my plans.
But why does it matter? More precisely, how can these insights help us develop more willpower? The answer is: by defining and respecting rules! Many researchers, notably the psychiatrist George Ainslie, consider “personal rules” the tool that forces us to think in broad, abstract categories and to overcome inconsistencies. Personal rules are embedded in people’s self-perception, and are often perceived as character traits. We tell ourselves “I’m not the kind of person who steals,” or “beats his child,” or “drinks before 5 pm,” or “has an extramarital affair,” or “does meth.” Personal rules ensure a coherent self-image, which is a pretty powerful incentive that outweighs the short-run benefits of impulsivity.
Rules are everywhere, and we selectively decide which we ones we adopt. Most people respect the basic social rules formally encoded in the law. Other potential sources are the guidelines from religions, professional codes of conduct, social conventions, peer pressure, or what mommy has always told us to do. We could even—Oh, what audacity—make our own rules. The bottom line is, willpower has a lot to do with making a commitment to ourselves and keeping it.
I am still not free of impulsive tendencies. But the future that some of my more ferocious tendencies seemed to destine me for—perhaps becoming an obese deadbeat, plagued by outbursts and addictions, with frequent stays in jail—has not materialized. Does that mean that all the authority figures were right after all? Yes and no. I have, indeed, adopted numerous rules that help me overcome the inconsistencies of impulsive behavior. On the other hand these rules are personal, and not imposed by others. They are tools at my service that help me realize, even some of my more whimsical, objectives. At last, I’ve come to appreciate the manly trait of self-control. And here’s a little bonus: it works for women, too.
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