Who would date a man like me? I’m just an ordinary man and I not sure women date ordinary men anymore. I mean I’m tall, 6’6″, so maybe not quite so ordinary, I sort of stand out, a lot. Would a woman date a man who stands out? I don’t know. I’m strong, not the bench press 200kg sort of strong, but the “I’ll just pick up this china cabinet and move it” sort of strong. OK, so I’m not your average ordinary. So should a woman date someone who is strong? I really have no idea. I’m smart; the sort of smart that’s a curse, the sort of smart that thinks learning astrophysics is cool. I know French, Astronomy, how to dance, and lots of other things, what can I say, I like to learn. Alright, alright, I’m sort of a freaky sort of ordinary so why in the world would a woman want to date a man like me?
I hear women want passion but I can’t do that, I’m not a bonfire blinding bright but turning to ash in the morning. I’m just an ordinary man; I’m more like a fireplace on a cold winter’s night. I don’t burn hot and I don’t burn bright, I need to be let inside first, I need to have a corner in someone’s heart before I light up. I sometimes wonder what women want, they seem to want the fireworks yet end up so distraught once they let them inside. Don’t women know fireworks are only for the outside? Would a woman really want an ordinary man who keeps them warm the winter through? I must admit it sounds sort of boring, being rugged up with a glass of wine and a good conversation in front of a fireplace, it’s probably not everyone’s cup of tea.
I’m an ordinary man, not some tin man searching for a wizard to give him a heart.
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Someone once told me women want independence, a guy capable of making decisions. That a guy who needs help, needs reassurance, or emotional support is a turn off. This l find strange. If I never need those things then why would I want a relationship? I’m an ordinary man, not some tin man searching for a wizard to give him a heart. I have a heart already and sometimes it hurts, it bleeds and it needs to know it’s loved. It searches for a partner, someone to make decisions with not for, so if that’s not what women want then I’m really not interested. So why would a woman date a man like me, an ordinary man, a man who wants to be one in a couple, not just two independent souls.
I’ll admit that sometimes I am not quite so ordinary, I have that freak part of me that can’t help but shine through. I’m a man of many things. In olden times I’d be labeled a polymath or renaissance man and left to do my thing. I don’t fit in normal society, I don’t belong in a niche and one label isn’t big enough for me. I can’t find a social hierarchy to which I belong because I belong to too many things. Do I act like a writer cloistered and slightly off balance? Am I that IT guy, nerdy and socially inept? Am I a student, poor yet with grandiose dreams of the future? Am I a dancer nimble and lithe, or a father with the quirky dad jokes? Do I act like my friends the CEO’s and directors, or my other friends in retail and catering? So I wonder this too, why would a woman date a man like me, a man who stands outside social hierarchies because none are quite right.
I chose the wrong girls, did the wrong things. I’m not ashamed of my past; I did the best I knew how.
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Are women after perfect men, those with perfect pasts? Sometimes it seems if they are. Too tall and too short, too hairy and too bald, too many exes and not enough experience. To each their own choices yet I have a past. I’m 41 with two children, of course there are stories of my past. Some are good and some were fun and some were not. I’m an ordinary man, I make ordinary mistakes. I chose the wrong girls, did the wrong things. I’m not ashamed of my past; I did the best I knew how. Wisdom wasn’t something I learnt until I made enough mistakes to learn it. Would a woman date a man like me, an ordinary man with an ordinary screwed up past? I know the women I have dated have sat in judgment as my past was told, but I know something they know not. If I accept the person you are now then I accept the road you traveled to get here. I’m wise like that you see, I made lots of mistakes to become this wise.
I don’t know anymore, why would a woman date a man like me? I’ve mostly given up now, whatever women want it doesn’t seem to be me. Yet I’m not into pretending, not into games, if you ask me a question I’ll answer it as honestly as I can. I fought long and hard to find the person who is me so I don’t plan on giving him up. He might be weird and quirky or ordinary and fine but he’s all that I am, he’s me. I’ve accepted my past and made my own niche and I know what I want out of life and love. I still look occasionally to see if there may be someone out there, yet the things I search for don’t seem to be the things that others do. Why would a woman date a man like me? I don’t know, truly. It’s really up to them to decide if the man they see is worth dating. I’m not going to convince them, sell myself big, I’m not even going to try. I’m not interested in overcoming preconceived ideas or generalizations; I have my own to work through. I am who I am, just an ordinary guy.
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Photo: Getty Images
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
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Is it no women want to date me or no women who I’d want to date will date me? As I’ve gotten older, dating has gotten more difficult, but I’ll admit that my criteria has not changed. Could I look into dating single mothers? Possibly, but I grew up with the no instant family mind set.
This is a great article. Sometimes I feel this way. I know I will be a good catch when the right woman comes along.
What is ordinary, anyway?
Oh, and thank you for writing this, Luke.
You have a way with words. Keep on being you.
This is certainly not the most eloquent piece I’ve read on the subject, but maybe that’s part of the message. There is a lack-of-interest problem in our culture that has nothing to do with the men who suffer for it. It is unhappily un-reassuring to discover that I’m not the only one. This is a trend.
Will not date an ordinary man ,will not date an extraordinary man, not In the raiin, not on a train, not with a mouse not in a house I will not date a divorced man who hogs the remote , not on a boat not with a goat I will not date a man that mopes around, not wth a hound not on a mound I can do physics myself and applied mathematics in the fog… with my dog . I move my own furniture Sam I am I will not ,cannot ,date again …..not in this life ,not with… Read more »
I would like to congratulate the author for articulating so well what so many millions (I am pretty sure of that) of ordinary men, those of us that read day by day the articles of Good Men Project trying to find out what the hell is wrong with us, those who haven’t got top marks on emotional intelligence, those who are still clueless after our wife left us and take years to get over it… We all know how much we’re worth, but we just don’t know where are hiding the women that would appreciate our traits, and why those… Read more »
Luke you are an interesting man, and one that also writes well.
I wonder if you move in the wrong circles if women don’t want to date you.
You had a relationship and were married once, and “divorced with kids” is hardly a deal breaker anymore. What else changed?
Or perhaps it’s the perceived “ordinariness” that’s holding you back.
What a lovely man you are! Don’t give up. You have a beautiful heart.
Let me guess that you are certain that he would make some woman very very very happy. Not just your or any of your female friends.
Yup. When a man opens his heart like this, it is very attractive to women!
Let me try again as I was a bit flippant. I get that there is something broken between men and women and believe me I’m trying to understand why that is too. The women’s movement has brought about some fantastic changes for women but we’ve also been landed with some new problems. One of them is that we’ve forgotten who men are at their core. It’s very painful. We don’t understand men’s gifts of providing (thank you for moving that china cabinet btw) and protecting (and thank you for the rug by the fire when I was cold) were given… Read more »
Thank you Rosy.
This man genuinely appreciates any woman who takes the time to even try to understand what is truly important to us men. More importantly, it is also time for women to start asking men (and for us men to start speaking up) just what our needs are too. Too many women simply assume…and are very flippant and dismissive of our needs.
Thank you Jules. It is true that men do need to speak up and voice their needs to women and I, for one, would genuinely enjoy that and try to meet them. It is a partnership after all. I will certainly try to be more curious and ask men what is important to them, so thank you for that. In turn, I wonder if women need to really listen to what men are saying without butting in and so assuming! I fear I may have done this too often in the past.