If you think some women are crazy and some men are dogs you are probably right
–here’s why…
– – –
See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
– – –
The other night I was invited by a friend to be part of an informal men’s group he had put together. No particular agenda other than a few middle-aged guys sitting around an open fire pit just talking about anything and everything. Then, as if out of the blue, one of them piped up with this rhetorical question: “Is it me or are women just freak’n crazy?” To which most in attendance responded in turn: “Absolutely!” “Totally.” “Yep, they’re crazy.” And so on. Then I had the opportunity to hear the women’s perspective while speaking in Atlanta about issues surrounding intimacy. Almost to a one they assessed men as dogs who have only one thing in mind and are absolutely clueless about what women really want in an intimate relationship. Oh boy. Is it really any wonder why so few relationships remaining fulfilling? Clearly something fundamental is going on here and it appears there is a bit of truth to both sides…
Some Men Really Are Dogs or Worse
The sad fact is, far too many men still think with their penis. And far too many in positions of power are apologists for this totally unacceptable behavior even if it includes rape or other forms of sexual assault. A perfect example of this is the recent case of Santa Clara County Superior Court Judge Aaron Persky reducing the sentence of Stanford swimming star Brock Turner’s rape conviction to just six months in county jail. As a side note, I wonder if Turner was a man of color would he have been afforded the same measure of leniency?
The sad fact is, far too many men still think with their penis.
|
Brock, who otherwise appears to have been an upstanding student and citizen acted as a wild dog raping an unconscious woman while drunk after a frat party. Meanwhile, Judge Persky acted as an apologist for this man’s behavior by handing down greatly reduced jail time given Brock’s previously clean record and apparent sincerity of his remorse. As of this writing, there is a petition with over 1.2 million signatures demanding that Persky be removed from the bench. Maybe Judge Persky wouldn’t be facing this backlash if he just given the perpetrator the option of the lesser sentence if he agrees to the same procedure that is typically performed on wild male dogs who can’t control their impulses, drunk or otherwise. Thanks to a Change.org petition making the rounds, even Stanford University is now being seen as a silent apologist for this young man’s behavior.
Then, there is this recent post in Medium from a woman who was never raped yet has lived with fear and uncertainty surrounding men. Here’s just a bit of her powerful piece:
I was never raped, but:
when I was 11, the son of a family friend copped a feel whenever we were playing video games or watching TV.
when I was 12, the same kid spent his birthday party making me sit on his lap while he touched me in front of his friends.
when I was 14 the aforementioned kid threw me on a bed while our parents were downstairs having coffee.
when I was 15 a random car of guys yelled “Nice tits!” at me while I was going for a walk dressed in a baggy Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and ripped jeans.
at my first job, a man old enough to be my father grabbed my ass while I was hostessing. Every. Week.
when I was 17 I found a bathing suit that I loved, and swore I’d never wear one again when I saw one of my uncle’s friends staring at me as I got out of the pool at my family’s July 4th picnic.
I still check under my car and in the back seat at night before I go anywhere.
(and so on…)
Her eloquent story is shared by countless women around the world who have not been raped or directly assaulted yet live in doubt, fear and uncertainty. And an understandable sense of distrust for most men’s intentions. As a man, it is hard for me to fathom what it must be like to go through life like this.
Clearly, the vast majority of men (at least in Western cultures) do not think or act this way. Yet there are many that still do within a culture that continues to show signs of tacit acceptance for the wholly unacceptable.
Some Women Really Are Crazy
When my friends were spouting off about the mental state of women in general, I smiled a bit inside because I had a pretty good idea as to what they were referring to. When a guy says someone is crazy we are effectively saying they are not acting or communicating rationally.
And there is solid evidence for this, for example:
- Women who dress seductively only to give any man who dares to notice the Death Stare;
- Women who expect men to be mind readers then go postal when they feel their man just doesn’t understand them;
- Women who go to extreme lengths to silence the ticking of their biological clock lest they truly will go insane;
- Women who transform from sex kitten to a Siri-voiced “Not tonight honey, I… [fill in the blank]” spouse shortly after the confetti has settled to the ground;
- Women who complain about anything to their man but don’t want him to fix it.
Then of course there is the expectation that women need to compete in a male-dominated work world for less pay while suppressing their innate feminine side. That’s a lot to ask and expect for an ongoing semblance of sanity.
Yes indeed, there is evidence aplenty for why men think women are crazy and women see men as dogs. Which begs the question as to why this still is the case in our supposedly highly advanced 21st Century culture.
WTF Is Going On?
While I am not a sociologist or therapist, and at the risk of sounding simplistic, here’s my take on all this after observing, writing and speaking about human intimate behavior over the past few years. As mammals, we are genetically wired to reproduce. And, like most complex organisms, the male’s job is to inseminate as many females as possible while the females job is to nurture and raise the young so they can survive long enough to do it all over again. It’s nature’s way of giving us a decent chance to survive as a species. This urge is second only to that of individual survival.
As conscious human beings this procreative wiring is also found within most of our cultures as well. Often in the form of subduing the purely animalistic urge to copulate in a somewhat more controlled way to avoid or at least moderate the explosive mixture of nature vs. conscious ego drives. This complex of built-in genetic and cultural procreative wiring is what I refer to as the default Sexual Operating System (SOS).
And, we are that stage of our evolution where more of us are starting to “wake up” as it were from the purely visceral genital urges that course through our veins. However, evolution of any kind is, by its very nature, messy. Add to the mix the higher level desire to truly connect consciously with other human beings whether it be emotionally, physically or spiritually while still under the influence of the default SOS, and you can see why we still have problems.
We are that stage of our evolution where more of us are starting to “wake up” as it were from the purely visceral procreative urges that course through our veins.
|
I believe the key to mitigating much of the confusion, hurt and destructive behavior between the sexes is to first acknowledge and be very aware of these innate drives and behaviors. Then, accept the possibility that we can rise above them by challenging our own underlying beliefs concerning what intimacy should look like and take full responsibility to consciously modify our behaviors accordingly. Think of this process as “upgrading” our Sexual Operating System. This results in human beings fully respecting and accepting other human beings as equals regardless of gender, sexual orientation race or creed. The physical expression of intimacy is then less about base procreation than the growing desire to connect with others using any form of expression one feels appropriate.
It Will Take a While
This kind of evolutionary shift does not happen overnight. However, it is showing signs of acceleration. Technologically speaking we no longer need intercourse to have children. And the time is soon coming where producing them the old fashioned way will become a throw of the dice most parents are not willing to take if given a better option with more certain outcome. We are also seeing the highest levels of sexual fluidity ever in our current constituency of teens.
Sex and physical intimacy is not going away. These means of expression are simply in the process of being repurposed as powerful ways to share deep, abiding connection between highly conscious human beings regardless of gender or orientation.
And when this happens to a fuller extent, the idea that women are crazy and men are dogs will become a quaint anachronism of an era that needs to be passed by sooner rather than later.
– – –
Image: DepositPhotos.com
Michael,
I think you are right on to address the evolutionary roots of our preoccupation sex and reproduction (and women’s desire to bond and fear of being forced into sex against their will.) Times are changing and as a society we are moving towards a more egalitarian exchange where men’s and women’s needs are being addressed and met. We don’t have to be victims of our evolutionary desires, but we do have to respect them.
I look forward to hearing more of your ideas on how we can achieve greater levels of intimacy.