As a Brit watching the media coverage of the US presidential debate, I’ve found myself quite shocked at the allegations and accusations. But nothing has surprised me more than the lack of compassion towards the women who have come forward to report claims of sexual abuse from Donald Trump. The most outrageous thing I’ve witnessed over and over again is the questions fired towards these women demanding why they didn’t report the abuse sooner, or why they didn’t report it to the police.
From someone who has been assaulted in a violent attempted rape, I know firsthand why victims don’t report the abuse when they should or could have and I’d like to give those who haven’t been in such a situation some insider information.
1 — When you’re emotionally charged, you don’t act rationally
It’s so simple for someone on the outside of the situation to tell someone what they should’ve done, during or following a traumatic event. However, the thing that is constantly overlooked here is that when we are emotionally charged, our brains function differently. The emotions literally take control and rational thinking goes out of the window. It’s easy for a rational thinker to think ‘how can I get justice in this situation?’ or ‘what is the appropriate method of reporting this?’ But once someone is threatened, they are no longer in a rational mindset.
They feel vulnerable, scared and most likely have some form of survivor guilt. These overwhelming emotions often lead to one main response: Get away from the situation. That means getting away physically, mentally and emotionally. It means not revisiting it, not talking about it and sometimes not even acknowledging it for years. So when these women are asked why they didn’t report the abuse in the wake of a traumatic situation it’s because that would have required the rational thinking part of the brain that they didn’t have access to.
2 — You will be shamed.
I remember watching the reactions of the people who I confessed to – that I had been attacked. Amongst the huge disengagement and avoidance I received, I also had the following questions:
‘What were you wearing?’
‘Were you drunk?’
‘What were you doing? ’
All these questions focused on my actions of the evening, as though I must have done something to invite such an aggravated response from a man. It was as though people thought I was walking into a lion’s den waving around a large steak to provoke him to pounce on me. The thing is that men aren’t lions, they are conscious humans who have the ability to control their behaviour based on their judgement of what they think is right or wrong. Even if women did go about waving their bodies around as provocateurs, are we responsible for the men who can’t control their animalistic advances? Personally, I think that in a conscious and civilised society men should be able to control their urges, and I think that we should expect this collectively too.
Unfortunately this isn’t the case. As the Trump campaign has demonstrated, if someone comes out about this kind of maltreatment they can expect to be publicly shamed and ridiculed. Is it any wonder that no one came out until one person had the courage to take this one? Then once one person had spoken, everyone came out of the shadows to tell their own stories. It’ been the same for all public sexual abuse stories – Bill Crosby, Jimmy Savile (UK)—everyone was silent until one spoke. Then, everyone came out even though it was sometimes decades after the event.
In order to encourage change of this kind of predatory behaviour, our culture needs to approach these kinds of claims without judgement. So if someone tells you a story of abuse, stop and think about the situation before you ask questions that could infer it’s their fault. No one deserves to be abused and they shouldn’t be shamed for being a victim of it either.
3 — You’re out on your own.
Most victims go internal after being abused, convincing themselves it was their fault and that they brought it on themselves. This is because we live in a culture where the acknowledgement of abuse means that difficult emotions will have to be aired. There will be shame, guilt, blame, upset and fear that are horrible to experience and as a society we avoid these emotions at all costs. However, this avoidance in-avertedly advocates this rape culture, allowing it to continue unchallenged. I don’t believe that this is done maliciously, instead, I think it’s the fear driven subconscious trying to evade difficult emotions. However, for a victim who is already experiencing their own traumatic emotions, the last thing they want to feel is avoided by others. That makes the decision to tell someone extremely difficult because by doing so they are risking community isolation. Maybe if we lived in a society where abuse victims were treated the same as victims of ill health then this might be an easier decision, but that’s not the case. Until this changes, victims of abuse may stay silent for years in fear of being outcast from their community.
4 — There are repercussions.
To be any kind of whistleblower takes a tremendous amount of courage, especially when blowing it on someone who has fame, power or is a person of influence. Victims of abuse are going out there on their own to report shameful behaviour against someone who probably doesn’t want to admit wrongdoing. That means they’re probably going to deny it viscously at all costs – by attacking back at the victim. A vulnerable, shaken and abused person doesn’t want to create more drama, especially not if it means it will destroy their career, family status or personal reputation. When they’re going up against someone who has a louder voice and bigger audience than themselves they have to consider whether or not speaking out is worth it at all. This decision can be toyed around with for years until victims finally get the courage to voice the event. Sometimes it can take a trigger or their abuser gloating, or taking it a step too far. Sometimes it can take someone else to speak out first and acknowledge that they’re not the only one. Sometimes it’s when they’ve conjured up the courage to face the pain, shame, isolation and repercussions that speaking out will incur.
To change this culture we need to create a supportive environment so that reports can be aired without judgement of the victim. We need to connect with our own emotions and feel what it must have been like to be abused in that situation before we comment. We need to stop this ‘them vs us’ perspective and instead see each other compassionately as human beings.
Previously Published on Trauma on Tour
—
Photo: Getty Images
Tom and DJ, I’ll confess that I had a similar visceral reaction to this article and some of the commentary. When I hear of an abuse allegation, JUST as when I hear about an avoidable health scenario (diabetes and heart conditions in the obese), I ask what the individual did to avoid that scenario. However, I have to ask myself, (and you too!), how much we don’t know about the feelings and choices that lead up to and follow sexual assault. While there are always multiple sides to any situation, there IS a choice that the person in power can… Read more »
VAWA, countless years of feminism, why is this still happening? And after countless years with what appears to be little headway, imagine where men stand where there has been NO headway?
Tom are you again trying to say men’s feelings, losses and pain matter? You know that here of all places, that those concepts are beyond contempt
It seems to me that you are the one who is saying women’s feelings and pain doesn’t matter when you can seriously act like there is something wrong with having an article about why women don’t report sexual abuse right away. You could simply take this as a opportunity to learn something about women.
We’ve been learning about women for 40+ years now. Perhaps you can explain that with all the awareness, all the education that’s been provided, let alone funding, why this is still the major issue that it still is.
Again, Tom. She does not get it, and never will, because she does not want to get it. I’ve been spinning my wheels for going on a year here now. Talking to bricks in a wall.
Don’t think that we will ever change them, even gain a thought of change. We won the day. Change is going to come. I’d like to try to reach back, but I’m convinced that too will be a waste of time. Best to leave them behind in their anger and resentment.
We move on. I move on.
Based on her response to me, you are absolutely right.
Talking about me, between each other, and putting me down is exceedingly disgusting behavior and it makes me sorry I even shared what I shared to try to open up and reach out. Both of you are cruel.
Erin I am shocked by the response you get here from Tom and DJ . And I confess I do not understand anything of what is going on here …..maybe you have to be American to understand . A societies degree of equality between the sexes can be measured in many different ways and what an index includes , can always be questioned. Indexes never measure everything .. But let’s look at one index . The United State is not even among the top ten of nations when equality between the sexes are measured . https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Inequality_Index Maybe I totally misunderstand… Read more »
Abuse is a horrible thing to over come. It is no easy feet. Many people who end up in abusive relationships as adults, were most often abused as children. These scars last a lifetime. Being abused as a child especially changes your brain. It is a constant battle in your own mind to fight the words and abuse someone dished out to you. Sometimes you cave into it, hearing the words of your abuser echo in your own mind. I know that is true of my own experiences. I will spend the rest of my life trying to fight off… Read more »
I’m sorry for what you went through. The only one that can answer some of your questions is you. In so far as why it still happens?It’s some times cyclical , I don’t have the answers.
Thank you. All we can do is show compassion for those who need it and help them even if it doesn’t turn out how we want. At least we know we tried.
I take this back after reading your comment below and I regret sharing anything so deeply personal with you. Absolutely horrible of you.
Women are human beings Tom. Women still live in a society that doesn’t value or respect them. I was not sexually assulted but I was abused and it took me 15 years before I talked about it. It was very painful. I don’t think it’s all that nice to sincerely be mocking women’s journey from sexual abuse.
Show me where I marked them?
Tom – instead of offering words of empathy for women who were abused, you quickly tried to make it seem like feminism was failing because women don’t immediately talk or report about their abuse. You tried to turn the way women experience and respond to abuse to further your negative views of feminism. Still never offering words of empathy for women who were abused, you quickly transitioned to wanting understanding for men. You wanted us to imagine how men feel. Yet not once did you articulate you were imagining how women feel. If I’m mistake, I’m certainly interested in hearing… Read more »
I have plenty of empathy and in fact, for about 4 years, we opened up our home as transitional housing for women who were abused only to find every one of them went back to their abusers. Worked with them to get a savings put together and help stage them to get their own home. When my daughter was engaged, we had dinner at her future (now in-laws). While at their house for dinner, I got a call from our boarder. Curious, the MIL asked me if there was a problem. I jokingly said it was our “domestic.” With a… Read more »
Tom – while that is admirable, I still see a lack of empathy here from you. You never offered any empathy to the women who were being discussed in this article. When I told you of my own abuse, you never offered any words of empathy for me. You never asked about it or acknowledged it. You asked how do you think men feel in an article about understanding abuse when women are victims and why they wait to report. Even above as you talk about all the things you did, you make sure we all know that these women… Read more »
Unbelievable … DJ is right. You’re never going to get it.
And BTW, I have been trained on many levels, not that I have to justify anything to you.
Exactly what Tom did not do, but called you on the fact that you are constantly doing what you accuse the guys of.
Why not just try and shut him up altogether and yell, “misogynist”.
I don’t think tom is a misogynist. Please tell me what Tom did do then.
it’s not women that we fail to see as human beings, Erin…and your constant disruption here is proof of that.
Fifteen years? Great, for you. We have guys that never speak of such, and that is the problem, the problem that you are rather then the cure.
Perhaps stop preaching and accusing men of what you are doing to them?
Just a suggestion.