Women Don’t Want Grand Gestures

It’s a classic story: Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl spend time together and eventually have feelings for one another. Boy and Girl have poor communication and / or past trauma that hasn’t been resolved and / or a huge misunderstanding almost ruins everything. They break up and it seems to be permanent but they’re both miserable apart.

Then, one or the other (but very often in the stories it’s the Boy) makes a grand gesture to prove their love to the other and win them back.

Cue Girl running desperately through the airport to proclaim her love to Boy before he flies away, or Boy showing up outside Girl’s work/house/hobby with a sign/speakers/flowers/a ring or blaring music/hiring a band to capture her attention and win a second chance. And then they kiss and the movie or story ends. Happily ever after, we’re supposed to assume.

(By the way, Hallmark, if you need writers to develop a second plot line for all your holiday movies, send me a message. I’m available and have ideas!)

But — and this may shock you men out there — this is not what women want.

We don’t want the grand gesture to save everything when it all seems lost.

Or rather, women don’t only want a grand gesture. We want consistent effort. We want open and clear communication and emotional availability and an ability to tell us where you stand on issues in a rational and calm way. We want a partner who is working with us to navigate challenges as a team. We want someone who is committed to growth and willing to seek out tools to help work through past traumas. We want to feel safe being open and vulnerable with our partners (and for our partners to feel safe being open and vulnerable with us.)

Any grown woman would choose an undeviating and true love over tumult and chaos and last ditch efforts designed to prevent us from walking away. We don’t want you to let the distance between us to be that big.

We want our story to be: Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl spend time together and eventually have feelings for one another. Boy and Girl talk about their feelings, fall in love, and work through any challenges that arise. Boy and Girl live happily and peacefully ever after together.

But, then again, I guess the relationships that feel the happiest, most harmonious, and most loving don’t make for the most exciting dramatic movies.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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