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As a marriage counsellor working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous marriage counselling issues. While many situations are complex, there’s one profoundly simple truth that men need to know. It’s this — Women leave men they love.
They feel terrible about it. It tears the heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes and lives. Women leave for many reasons, but there’s one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand:
Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing, gaming, watching TV, fishing… the list is long. These aren’t bad men. They’re good men. They’re good fathers. They support their family. They’re nice, likeable. But they take their wife for granted. They’re not present.
Women in my office tell me “Someone could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my husband.” Sometimes the realization scares them. Sometimes they cry.
Men — I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’m telling you what I see. You can get as angry or hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment to moment. You earn her first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel you hearing her. Not nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil’s advocate.
Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing, gaming…the list is long…They’re good men… But they take their wife for granted. They’re not present.
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She wants you to feel her. She doesn’t want absent-minded groping or quick release sex. She wants to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion? Can you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex; your passion for being alive. Do you have it? It’s the most attractive thing you possess. If you’ve lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you are living on borrowed time.
If you think you’re present with your wife, try listening to her. Does your mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how deeply do you see her? Look again, look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for longer than usual, longer than comfortable. If she asks what you’re doing, tell her. “I’m looking into you. I want to see you deeply. I’m curious about who you are. After all these years I still want to know who you are every day.” But only say it if you mean it, if you know it’s true.
Touch her with your full attention. Before you lay your hand on her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what happens the moment you make contact. What happens in your body? What do you feel? Notice the most subtle sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes called mindfulness.) Tell her about what you’re noticing, moment to moment.
But you’re busy. You don’t have time for this. How about five minutes? Five minutes each day. Will you commit to that? I’m not talking about extravagant dinners or nights out (although those are fine too). I’m talking about five minutes every day to be completely present to the woman you share your life with. To be completely open — hearing and seeing without judgement. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a taste, you won’t want to stop.
<Note — The gender dynamic outlined above is reversible. It can go both ways.>
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This article originally appeared on Justice Schanfarber’s Website
Photo credit: iStock
The strong ones leave.
Yep!
I’ve been a hairdresser for 35 years. Guesse what my job (also) entails? Aha…. those conversations.
I’ve asked women “why -at the end of it all, why did you end it?” Most often than not, the answer was usually “because he just wast present”
Excellent article. We mens most of the time forget about this important interaction with our partner/woman. We need to be present for them. Agree…..But what about when is the other way around? When She is not present, she is more dedicate it to her own world. What about when She takes a man for granted? What we do about that? Leave too, for the same reasons she would do it. We men needs Attention, we just dont talk or ask for it cause We are Man, Though. We want a woman that respect Us, that Build you up, support in… Read more »
This is a fake response.
1. The author stated that this is only one reason, the one that haunts him. Many comments have responded as if this is THEE reason. It is just one, and although I’m a strong advocate of men’s issues within the scope of relationships, often defending men, this IS a reason, because there are SOME men that do this. I know this because I’ve spent years chatting, discussing relationships with both men and women either on my own board system or others. Sooo, when I see over 1k shares, see a number of women responding, my ear perk up. 2. Much… Read more »
@DJ Roukan Roukan. This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
This is another fake response.
I love my wife. I want to spend time with her. I ask her. I present myself to her. I am open. She has rejected me. Not the other way around. Eventually you give up. All it would take is a “yes” once in awhile. “Yes, I’d love to go for a walk”. “Yes, I’d love to go out for coffee”. “Yes, I’d love to go to a movie”. But they highly anticipated yes is inevitably no. At some point you move on. No interest in divorce. No interest in an affair. Just living my own life now. Mostly happy.
Just make sure the women actually has something to offer in return. So far it looks like the presumption here is women simply have nothing to offer any man.
Mostly they have little if anything to offer and much to receive. The few who have something to offer remind you of it daily. Then it’s like a favor.
Most of the comments by men make women out to be money hungry attention seeking b’s. If a man can’t give his female partner 5 min a day then why should she want to stay. What if the woman is the one working and taking care of the family and the man doesn’t work and spends time with his buddies. Is she an attention seeker….or maybe he should make his family and relationship more of a priority. If one partner is the one doing it all…eventually they get tired of it.
This is another Confederate response.
What is this like 1 out of 50? Focus on the main issue not on the rare occurrence
If he doesn’t make money then also she would leave him for not taking up responsibilities. And she must have fallen for him because he has a good job. So what should he do? Leave his job for her? Once men lose their jobs then also women leave them. And if she divorces him when he is making enough money, she gets alimony. Ban divorces, the woman will stay and adjust. After marriage they both belong to each other.
Hi,
So have you ever considered to marry a woman with a good job?
Another staged rrespons? WTF?
Or because some women are emotional cowards and rather than confront her man with her issues and commit to working the problem out, chooses instead to bail on the relationship because she’s found the “solution” in some other man with better prospects, and runs off with him. Problem solved. Then repeats the pattern in that relationship.
but what if the man is the one being an emotional coward she would glady take the chance to point out her side of the story but she feels unheard because the man is the one being distant about the issue
they also leave if you become ill
I understand and respect everything that was said; however, that puts the ENTIRE sustainability of the relationship on the man’s shoulders. Life isn’t fair, especially for poor couples. Yes, he’d love to shower you with attention day and night, but our survival occupies our thoughts too. It’s great that women want empathy, but how about some for husbands too. Ladies, be nice and empathize with how hard we try. You’re not unhappy with us. You’re unhappy with life, and secretly you know that. You just need something to attack, and your husband is convenient.
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what a joke. stop making shit so complicated.
either he’s there, loves you – or he’s not.
cut him loose and lose the mellow dramatics.
I agree with the steps “of repair” in this article but that’s where it stops. This a very one sided article. First I’d like to say if a guy gives you a little attention and you’re willing to break up your family over it, it is you at fault, not your spouse. Secondly when you do feel that spark just think back to when the person that you promised to love and cherish first met you and the spark was there too. So what makes you think it’s going to be any different with guy number 2? Sort of seems… Read more »
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I am hugely guilty of this.
My wife and I are separated and this had a large hand in leading us to where we are.
Can I undo the damage?
So true, Justin, and so well said. It’s the day to day things that build up, or wear down most committed relationships. When a partner doesn’t feel seen, heard, acknowledged, or known, there will be problems. Of course, there are some people whose self-esteem is so low that they do not believe they deserve more from their partners. They will not leave. Healthy people consider leaving, but get good relationship help and relationship advice before they do, though. Interesting timing that I saw your article today. “Being taken for granted” is the subject of my blog post. http://bit.ly/1JCvODF Thanks, Justin,… Read more »
If a woman leaves a man she loves due to lack of constant attention then its a lucky man she left and she fully deserves the pain she inflicts upon herself by leaving him.
Heres the thing…those men who shower you all their attention are unceremoniously kicked out…the so called nice guys :P. Women are an engima by themseleves…who are not at all sure exactly what they want….
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There’s a lot to be said about how a woman needs to man up and be tough occasionally. A mans first responsibility is to provide. If a woman can’t handle a little time away at work then she’s not holding up her end of the marriage. It takes two strong individuals to make it work. If the guys out golfing or playing video games then that’s another issue.
Interesting to not that there was 9 paragraphs on men and men’s failings to pay attention to their wives and just two sentences to balance the article and say they it requires effort by both parties. Most men, given their socialisation would just accept this as another task that they must complete in the relationship. I declare shenanigans. Men historically have been conditioned to show love to their families by providing and protecting them. This is best achieved by working hard and long. By being absent. Females are now asking that men be present in relationships. Excellent! Men have ached… Read more »
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I’m a man, ready to leave the woman with whom I’ve shared my life for 2 decades.
Why? because “someone could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my wife.”
Is my wife “bad”? No!
Does she care? Yes!
So…what’s the problem? Exactly what the author stated; she won’t express affection except in a very ritualistic and minimal way.
I need more. I’ve asked for more. I’ve been constantly denied.
I’m out!
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@ FlyingKal and elissa — I guess my point wasn’t as well-expressed as I’d hoped. I am absolutely including the situation of two people being physically in the same room, but not really ‘with’ each other, due to one being stuck to a phone or computer. That is not really being present, and yes, can result in terribly lonely feelings. BTDT. 🙁 And elissa, my point about passion and intention is more about avoiding the type of attention-giving that is really easily fallen into by people buried under everyday life. It can end up just another task that is done… Read more »
That’s the ultimately actual point. You spend your day out in the daily jungle dealing with whatever comes, then you come back to your lover, touch down on your lovely heaven, go deep into her and your couple relationship, commit to her pleasure (not just sex) trying to fulfill her demands,.one day after another… then One day comes when you are on your own and have a look deep inside yourself. Your goals are still unachieved, you desires (not just sex) are are yet unfulfil… You just realize what a waste of time is giving for too long that what… Read more »
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Prenuptial agreement. Enough said.
🙂
If anyone thinks this article is about something as shallow as wanting ‘attention,’ then s/he is missing the entire point. It’s about INtention. Being purposeful in how you communicate with your partner, how you touch your partner, how you view your partner…and also how much intention you have in general in your life. Is there meaning in what you do? That’s why Ms. Schanfarber talks about finding one’s passion for being alive. If it’s there, it infuses everything, including one’s relationship. If it’s missing, its lack is apparent in everything, including one’s relationship. To live with someone who is not… Read more »
Marie! THANK YOU!! The word INTENTION… everything.
Marie,
I would say that having a passion for being alive, but living wth a person who starts to take every opportunity to nag away at it, because you are “never there”, but when you are present the other person can’t get their head away from their job or out of their facebook, is probably an equally if not even more soul-killing experience.
That’s a nice idealistic position Marie. The starker reality is that passion is a scarce commodity and that life is filled with much more attention giving, and only seasoned with intention – which is usually enough to keep balance and some modicum of happiness. If we really stopped and analyzed our intent and free will to exercise intent, we would scare ourselves silly.
Thank you Elissa
I’m glad to see this in the article “” Far too often men are blamed for anything that goes wrong and we’re given lists of things that we should be doing to keep our partner interested, prove our love or rekindle that spark. At what point does the woman start participating in the relationship? I see less and less articles about what women can be doing to improve their relationships with their spouses.
It is definitely a 2 way street. There are plenty of hardworking loyal husbands/fathers out there who after 30 plus years of bustin’ ass are unloved and uncared for.
The wives have an equal responsibility to make the marriage work. Please write about what the wife should do in order to prevent her husband from just getting up and leaving.
I think women LIVE in relationship. All we do is try to connect and engage but we eventually grow weary…then angry..then bored of trying and reaching our men less and less. I actually said this to myself the other day, “I feel so vulnerable…I feel like I could be swept away by a man that came to me fully present”….it did scare me because I’ve never felt so open before. He has just given up…gotten too comfortable….found it easier to do his own thing for far too long. What can women do, they can only fight for it for so… Read more »
I think the most common mistake in any kind of relationship issue is people trying to extrapolate their own experiences to be some kind of universal “truth”.
Oh, forget it. Just go read the last tine, which says pretty much what your comment says, at least as far as I can tell.
And again, without quotations – apologies for my unfamiliarity with the eccentricities of whatever language this site is written in.