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It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Indeed it has been a time that I continue to be disappointed in my fellow men. Not the generic word man as in “mankind” but the very specific “male,” variety of our species. I keep asking myself the same question, “when will we grow up?”
My oldest son has been dealing with a group of bullies at school for the better part of a year. They tease him with cursing and insults. Calling him a “fag” and telling him he isn’t good enough to go out for sports. They gang up on him in a group, like a pack of jackals circling a gazelle. This past week we made the decision to move him to another school that, from our research, seems to have a better handle on such issues.
Oh, I have heard all the jargon about this type of situation. “Toughen ’em up!” or “Let him kick their asses!” All that sounds great until you realize that, number one that isn’t how the real world works. Number two he was outnumbered and could have ended up in an even worse situation. My son is a good looking intelligent kid. He is an accomplished swimmer and an extreme extrovert. Yet, he was targeted.
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Bullying isn’t about just going after weaker victims; it’s also going after those you view as a threat. It’s a defense mechanism of the insecure and unproperly trained. Unfortunately, it begins at home and is fueled by parents who are either themselves bullies, or unable to see any fault in their own offspring.
I never really had a problem being bullied in school. Sure there was the occasional jerk you had to deal with but not to the extent I saw it happen to others, or to the degree that it happens today. I am well aware of those around me who had a much worse experience.
Social media is the new hunting ground for these predators.
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We’ve not grown at all as a country in this area. No matter what we say this problem is increasing. Social media is the new hunting ground for these predators. Every picture posted, every status update, every tweet and opinion in public view open you up to attack from the faceless trolls who never grew out of middle school.
We live to attack those who are different from us, be it based on skin color, sexuality, religion, atheism, weight, political views, or even socio-economic status. This country seems to thrive on it. Go to a political rally, especially this year, and listen. Not just to the speakers but also to what is being said in the crowds. We have no respect for each other, and we have no restraint in voicing those opinions.
I have had an acquaintance who’s son committed suicide at 11 because of bullying. And seeing stories like this are becoming all too common. When a kid is left feeling that his only option is to “give up” and take their own life, it is an indictment on the entire civilization.
Bullying isn’t just an issue that is relegated to the male of the species either. Girls are victims and participants as well. We however rarely tell our daughters they should “suck it up and deal with it!”
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Then today as I am scrolling Facebook I see this article from David French, and I realized, we may never grow up.
French goes on a long diatribe about how we are a culture that is no longer raising men basically because we don’t enroll them all in gym memberships. That because we don’t make them change oil or build porches, they aren’t able to develop masculinity. He states that we should “never ever underestimate the positive effect that raw physical strength can have on a young man’s development.”
While all that sounds great, and it hits on the key points of a Trump testosterone driven movement. It’s bullshit!
To simply focus in on this generation and claim that we are in some extreme moment of de-masculinity is to ignore human history. It’s also an argument that has been used in previous generations. It’s an argument that again, says women aren’t equal and can’t compete. It’s an argument against education, technology advancement, and innovation!
Mainly it’s an argument used by bullies!
Do we tell someone that doesn’t do manual labor for a living, say a writer for the National Review, that he is less of a man because of his chosen profession? We shouldn’t, but apparently that is what we are supposed to do. Do we tell a physically challenged male that he isn’t really a man? I mean after all his grip strength may not be on par with a coal miner from 1935!
I would ask Mr. French to compare his requirements as a youth to that of his father’s. Then compare his father’s to his grandfather’s. They aren’t equal for a couple of reasons. Technology, and intelligence. Human’s are intelligent, we are constantly looking for better, and yes easier, ways of doing things. When is the last time you saw a farmer plowing a field behind a mule? When is the last time you heard of a logging company that only used axes and hand saws? They don’t because that would be inefficient and stupid! But according to French’s argument, using a chainsaw, or riding in an air conditioned tractor means you’ve been brainwashed by militant feminists, hellbent on putting you in a dress!
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French makes an argument against the instant oil change. While I do like to change my oil and my sons do help me occasionally, the argument has a problem. Who do you think is doing the oil changes at the local quick lube? It certainly, at least so far, isn’t done by robots. For the most part, it’s younger men, and yes some women, who are working entry level automotive jobs to learn a skill.
The article also ignores another fact of generational difference. Humans get smarter with the passage of time. I suppose we should harken back to a day when we died of chickenpox, but we could bare knuckle fight a bear.
What do bullies say? You’re not as strong, you’re fat, you’re slow, you can’t do what I can do! Those types of beliefs lead to things like 13-year-olds taking their his life because he didn’t think he could ever fit in. A belief he would never measure up to some trivial standard that “men” should reach.
It’s not only an incorrect argument Mr. French; it’s dangerous.
So while David French may not agree, I am raising men. Three of them. Men who will respect their fellow “man”. Who will judge people on the content of their character and not by how much they can bench. Men who will be secure in their masculinity enough to know that women in the workforce aren’t a threat if you’re willing to work and compete on an equal playing field. Men who can lay their heads down at night knowing that all they’ve received in life was earned, not because of their sex, but because of their drive.
Then I will be able to sleep at night knowing, in some part, I contributed to the betterment of society. Not just from my own actions, but through the legacy of real men that will follow me.
That, Mr. French, is what real strength is.
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Photo: Getty Images
Following David French;s line of argument- Franklin D.Roosevelt(who led his nation through the Great Depression and then to victory in WWII)- wasn’t a “real man” because he was confined to a wheelchair due to polio!
You had many people in the CIA and the Pentagon thought JFK wasn’t a real man because he refuse to take military action against the Russian missile bases in Cubas because he knew it would have led to the end of the human race. Guys like General LeMay seem to have forgotten how horrible war was despite the fact that they saw it first hand plus they did not learn or refuse to learn about the long term effects of radiation from the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
“Mainly it’s an argument used by bullies”! Hear! hear! Why is it that those who run our most important organizations, seem to be bent on using bully tactics to complete their missions? I am concerned about how education’s mission to teach STEM is like the bully tactic that they deplore. Leveraging down on children and young people, forcing them into a particular kind of mode, leaves out important personal development and character sensitivities. When the other dimensions of what it means to be a human being get left out and are ignored they go somewhere. They come out in not… Read more »
Exactly, proving a position by bullying those you are trying to reach is not only ineffective but ignorant. We can improve greatly in this area when dealing with our own children. Thank you for the comment.
“Mainly it’s an argument used by bullies”! Here here! Why is it that those who run our most important organizations, seem to be bent on using bully tactics to complete their missions? I am concerned about how education’s mission to teach STEM is like the bully tactic that they deplore. Leveraging down on children and young people, forcing them into a particular kind of mode, leaves out important personal development and sensitivities. When the other dimensions of what it means to be a human being get left out and are ignored they go somewhere. They come out in not only… Read more »
Hear, hear, J.W.! I read the David French article and couldn’t believe what I was reading. Well, I could believe it, but it was just plain nonsense.
There are many types of strengths, and we should acknowledge that. Insisting that men and boys deny other kinds of strength in themselves in favor of focusing only on physical strength is misguided, and as you say, dangerous.
Thank you for writing this. It gives me hope.
Thank you Juana!
Thank you for writing this JW Holland. I needed to read it today and know that I’m not alone.
Thanks, it’s a reminder all of us need from time to time.
Excellent article, Mr. Holland. If men were confined to doing manual labor, we have no male scientists, doctors, writers, actors, philosophers, teachers, etc. Besides, coal companies are getting rid of its workers and who wants to dig for coal considering the dangerous hazards of it and what coal dust does to the human body? Furthermore, many guys don’t want to be farmers since it is hard to make money off it which is why small farmers need subsidies from the government; otherwise, we will be at the mercy of large corporate farming.
I have no problem with men or women who work with their hands. The world needs people to do all sorts of jobs, and I have done a little of everything in my life. I don’t think we should discredit anyone for what they do for a living, if it’s something they enjoy and provides a quality life for them and their family. Thank you for the comment!
Excellent response to the “World of bullies” article. On reading it I wasn’t sure if Good Men were publishing it to endorse its views, so was trying to figure out how to respond. Your critique is excellent. The other aspect of the article I react negatively to is the idea that men must be the protectors. For many women, what they need protection from is men. Perhaps a better solution would be to create a society in which women didn’t need to fear men because men recognised the strength there is in vulnerability is more worthwhile and lasting than that… Read more »
I was raised by strong women, in a home without a father. I never felt unsafe because of it. Thank you for your comments!
Excellent article.
Thank you!
No kid should be bullied for any reason. Their skin color, their dress, perceived sexuality, sense or lack of humor, the strength or lack of it, or anything but their character and behavior. We need to bully the bullies. Simple as that. Your kid doesn’t have to do it alone. The village needs to do it and support them and be damned with PC. Bullies are not insecure people. Common misperception. They have learned excessive egocentric behavior to get them what they want. And they want to control it all. They grow up to be very mean people because they… Read more »
The trouble is that we never hold bullies accountable when they are adults in high ranking management positions in both the private and public sectors.
J.W. Holland,
What an excellent & well written article on a subject that is still not discussed enough. Check out a great film running on Netflix right now called, “The Mask you live In”. It’s all about this topic.
J.W., keep on raising your boys to be great men and an wonderful example for both men and women. In our current culture it’s much needed.
david
Thank you David,
I have actually seen that documentary. A really well done piece that I wish more people would watch.
Thanks for your kind words.
Excellent article JW!
Elwood Watson,Ph.D.
Fellow Contributor
Good Men Project