I have been chastised for going too deep sometimes, but after talking it through with some folks, it appears that this isn’t one of those times. I noticed something that was too shallow and realized that it would impede its ability to help others.
People often ask others who want to be in a relationship, “Would you date someone like you?” Here’s what the process often exhumes.
Obviously the question is geared towards a focus on the negative or undesirable traits that one has. But the mind is crafty, or at the very least, it is trying to defend itself. As a result, it will pivot to the good traits one has.
After getting off on how great they are, the person will say, “Yes, I would date someone like me.” Hell, maybe they’ll go as far as to say that they wished they were dating someone more like themselves. Maybe then their problems would go away.
As I said before, the mind will try to defend itself from things that would condemn it as bad or wrong. After all, we are programmed to value what is good and shun what is bad. So if we see things that are bad there is an unconscious tendency to hide from those bad things.
But as you know, that doesn’t stop the negatives from being there. And it doesn’t stop the negatives from creating havoc in your life.
So, if the question, “Would you date someone like you” isn’t enough, what should you ask instead? I would ask, “Would you date someone who approaches relationships the same way you do?”
This line of question is more targeted and more specific. You cannot escape by thinking about your work ethic, humanitarian values, love of animals, financial education, taste in music, political leanings or anything else that you consider to be good.
Maybe I shouldn’t put limitations on the mind’s ability to escape what it considers bad or scary, but it is harder to escape when the question is tailored with the relationship tagline attached.
When I asked myself the old question, I always said yes. But when I asked myself the new question, I confidently said no and could easily see exactly why no one would (or should) have dated me.
I said that I wouldn’t date someone like me because this person would really be looking out for themselves, not for me as an individual. They can’t love me. They only love that I mirror what they love back to them.
On the surface, this doesn’t sound great but it isn’t the worst thing in the world either. However, let’s take this to its logical conclusion. There will come a point where I will do something that they don’t value. Will they continue to love me? Of course not. They will withdraw their love.
A quick appraisal of my life unearthed a number of times that I withdrew my love from others and of others withdrawing their love from me. As it turned out, I was dating myself the whole time. They weren’t exactly like me (because that’s impossible), but we both shared the same problematic behavior.
At some point in my life I stopped looking at loving women for who they were and instead focused on what they could fulfill for me — companionship. Once they failed to provide the companionship I desperately wanted, I would withdraw my love.
Maybe you can relate to this or perhaps your life has shown you a different pattern of problematic behaviors that prevented you from enjoying a stable relationship. Introspection or talking with an expert can help you to better understand your relationship dynamics.
The fact of the matter is that you don’t have to treat people horribly to have a bad relationship. All you need to do is treat yourself horribly so that you choose people who will ensure that you’ll continue to have a bad time in relationships. This could be as innocent as incompatibility or as severe as abuse.
The truth is that sometimes it isn’t the other person’s fault. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you may put yourself in a bad situation thinking that it’ll be good, but when you realize things aren’t as great as they used to be, you start to look for someone to blame.
But if you ask yourself, “Would I date someone who approaches relationships the same way I do?” you will be face to face with yourself. Admittedly, it is not a humongous change in the question, but it unearths a humongous clarity for those who dare to ask.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Lon Christensen on Unsplash