A quick guide to your own celebrity tell-all.
The good news is that you can benefit from my guilty pleasure and glean all of the rock star wisdom with none of the bitter rock star aftertaste. In the interest of your precious time, here is a fill-in-the-blank rock star memoir. Simply complete it when you find yourself considering buying a tell-all book and dedicate those two saved hours to something with more redeeming quality, like a Duck Dynasty marathon. You’re welcome.
I was born on the _____ (adjective) streets of ______ (city). My father was a ______ (trade), and I was always all, “No way, old man! I’m not going to follow in your footsteps! I’m an artist!”
In school I was a ____ (adj.) student because I was always ____ (-ing verb) the girls’ _____ (plural noun). That’s why my close friends still call me “______ (rock star’s first name) The _____ (body part).”
When I was ___ (number under 16) I met ______ (drummer’s name) and my life changed forever. We chased girls, got in fights, and most importantly formed the nucleus of ______ (band name). From that point on it was like rock on!
My band was like my gang, man. Those guys were my brothers and I would do anything for them. I remember one time _____ (bandmate) and I were riding around in his ______ (exotic car) and I was all “you can _____ (verb) my wife, bro!” and he was like “dude!” and then we wrapped the car around a tree. I thank Jesus for saving me that day.
My _____ (son/daughter/both) was born right after that and I was like, “Bro, it’s time to grow up.” Then I divorced _______’s (son/daughter/both) and moved into an apartment right off the strip that we called Boner House. But I was always a good dad.
When we got famous I did too many _____ (consumable noun) and _____ (past tense verb) too many _____ (derogatory slang for women), but that’s cool because my faith in Jesus was always strong. I take total responsibility for my actions.
My actions were all the guys’ fault. They never listened to what I had to say or put one of my songs on the albums. It’s no wonder I got strung out on ______ (consumable noun). The music suffered and it wasn’t fun anymore so I was out of there. Also, the guys fired me.
But you know what? In the end I’m glad it all happened. I hated playing stadiums, partying hard, sleeping with hundreds of women, and making millions of dollars. No, man, I’d rather be playing a small club for three hardcore fans any day. And that’s why I wrote this book – it’s all about you, the fans. But for all my band mates out there, I’m ready for a reunion.
And that’s my story. Rock on!
photo Zac Zellers/ Flickr