If you really want closure, you have to shut the door — Jackie Wells Wunderlin
(Note: Some of the following advice may not be applicable for those who share children with their ex partner)
So, you’ve finally gone no contact with your narcissistic or abusive ex partner. You have found the strength somewhere in all of that confusion and emotional chaos to put yourself first, and deal with the pain of the break up come what may. All the advice on leaving a narcissist said you have to block and delete their phone numbers, block them on all forms of social media, don’t stalk their social media, and stop communicating with their friends and family. An emotionally monumental process that you dug deep and managed to do. So, now what?
It’s easy to find information about why you should go no contact, how you should go no contact, and why you need to maintain no contact. Not so much on the questions and doubts you may bombard yourself with as you move into the first months of no contact. I hope that my story will help you to navigate your way through the coming months if you have just implemented no contact with an ex, or if you are a few months in and struggling with rumination and second guessing your decision.
When the initial relief of being out of the relationship has subsided, here are 9 questions that may plague you as you slowly begin the healing process:
1. Was I too quick to cut this person off?
As the reality sets in and you are on your own, you have a lot more time to reflect on the major events that happened leading up to your decision to go no contact. Even though you go back over all the anxiety inducing abuse, lying, cheating, gaslighting and stonewalling, your fevered brain will still turn on itself and ask ‘Was I too callous? Should I have tried to stay friends to make it less painful for them?” No. The chances are that you gave this person many more opportunities than they deserved to treat you with care, and if you really think back, you can probably recall several times that you tried to warn them that you were not going to be able to stay in the relationship if the abuse continued.
2. Am I being cruel by cutting communication with other people in their family?
When you have been in a relationship, it’s inevitable that you connected with some of their close family and friends, sometimes even their children. Unfortunately, when you finally break free from an abuser, they won’t hesitate to use these connections as a weapon. They will often try to break no contact with you through these mutual ties. Your ex knows that you are likely to engage with someone else in their circle, so they will use that to their advantage. If you have had to cut ties and block people on the ex’s side, know that you had no choice in this. Your first priority is to yourself and your recovery from this abuse. Don’t feel guilty for having to make this call. Guilt is an emotion that will cause you to move your boundary. Stay firm, and make peace with the fact that in order to look after yourself, you may need to let some people go, including children unfortunately. They will all be ok.
3. Am I to blame for this situation happening?
“Maybe I overreacted, I could have dealt with things more calmly. Was I too sensitive? He/she did say that on several occasions.” Have a really good think about this one. Conflict is a natural and sometimes necessary element to all relationships. It’s not fighting that is a problem, it’s how you fight. If you can think back to the conflicts that you had with your ex, and know that your intention was only ever to try to come to a resolution, then you need not blame yourself for the ending of this relationship. Abusers and narcissists fight dirty and they want to take you down to their level. Many breakups are reasonably amicable, and you can even have a friendship after some healing time. This is different. You have gone no contact with this person for a very good reason, and you are not to blame for being in this situation.
4. I’m still missing them and secretly wanting them to reach out. Is this normal?
I can’t stress how normal it is to still think of your abuser and miss them even years later. It’s important that you don’t take this as a sign that they were your soul mate, and that you should make contact. The key to this one is understanding what is driving you to ‘miss’ them. Realistically, you don’t miss the person themselves, as they made your life so miserable that you had to remove them from your life. There is a strong possibility that you are yearning to finally ‘fix’ an unmet need from your childhood. This feeling can trigger the sensation of missing your ex and wanting them back. Allow yourself to feel these feelings and understand that although it’s normal, it does not mean you should sway from your decision to stay no contact. Missing someone does not mean they were the right person for you.
5. What will happen if I bump into them?
Depending on your proximity to your ex, there is a possibility that you may bump into them. This can be something that consumes a lot of your thoughts in the initial stages. I became a chronic ‘scanner’ when I left my house. It can even affect your desire to venture out, due to dreading an awkward meeting. I found it helpful to run through several scenarios and then have a stock standard reply that I would pull out. This enabled me to feel like I would be strong enough if it happened. If you can get away with not talking to them, that is ideal. But if they approach you and talk to you, have a polite one liner that you can quickly execute and then move on fast. A good strategy is to say that you are running late to meet a friend.
Note: You should prepare yourself to feel more emotional than usual for a week or two after a situation like this.
6. Was the relationship really that bad?
Not only was the relationship that bad, it was way worse than you actually realise, or you wouldn’t have stayed so long. One way to combat this thought is to keep a list of your ex’s ‘Greatest Hits’. Write down every shitty thing that they did to you during the time you were together. If you really want to make it powerful, record how each one made you feel in detail. Then imagine feeling like that again on a regular basis.
7. Should I have gone to counselling with them?
This was a big one for me, as my ex asked if we could go to counselling when I told him it was over. However, I had asked him to go to counselling with me on several occasions during the abuse, and his answer was always ‘We don’t need counselling. We can work these problems out ourselves’. Again, ask yourself if you really believe that counselling would have been the catalyst for this person to have an epiphany and start being a quality partner. I can’t speak for every single situation, however, there’s a good chance that even if you had gone through the process of counselling, you would have ended up here regardless. Only this time, you would have spent way more time, money and energy than your ex deserved to have poured into them yet again. A narcissist will usually offer up the very things that they would not give you, once they realise you are breaking up with them.
8. Will I ever be able to move on?
Yes, you will move on. Every person’s healing process is unique to them, but there will definitely come a time when you are fully healed and finally over your abusive ex for good. This is not to say that you won’t have the odd day when they may still come to your mind, but over time these thoughts occur less and less. There is a very good reason that all the advice points to no contact, no exceptions. Although it is more painful in the short term to block someone you loved from contacting you, in the longer term it is a better way of caring for yourself, and minimising the risk that you could slide back into the relationship. No contact is a boundary that can not be argued with. Honour that decision for yourself.
9. What will I do if they try to contact me?
There is a very high chance that your ex will attempt to reach out to you, despite all the barriers you have put in place. This is called a ‘hoover attempt’. When they come, they will knock you emotionally. Hoovers are like darts filled with slow release poison. There is the initial hit which stings, and then they just seep into your psyche and mess with your head and heart. They may make you want to reach out. Please don’t! The only reason they have reached out is to get you back under their control. Stay strong, commit to the process. I have experienced no less than eight hoover attempts over eighteen months in the form of an email (from a new email address), a handwritten letter in my letterbox, message requests on social media (even though he is blocked) and ‘bumping into me’ while walking down the street I live on. Each one has triggered me to want to call a few days later. I have found the strength each time not to break. I’m thankful everyday for this inner strength that I didn’t know that I had. If I can do it, I know you can too. The triggered emotions subside after a week or two, and you will feel strong again.
. . .
The first months after going no contact with someone are some of the most confusing and lonely times you will go through. There are no roadmaps or blueprints and the guilt can be extreme. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, without feeling like you need to put things right or gain closure. Sometimes, closure is gradual and only needs one person to take part. Allow yourself to put your recovery and mental wellbeing at the top of your priority list. It’s ok to set boundaries with people, even if they don’t enjoy it.
After eighteen months of no contact, I am finally starting to feel like my spark is coming back again. There is renewed optimism and a genuine sense of joy returning, even though I still have moments that I think about my ex. The journey can feel long and at times debilitating, but I urge you to hold the course! The feeling of empowerment as you come out the other side stronger and wiser, is more rewarding than you can ever imagine. Always look forward, not back. You deserve the very best, so make sure you have a space in your life for the very best to fit into!
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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